I'm 19 from the pacific northwest, and i'm in a really rough place. I've been dating this guy for almost 2 years- with one two month break when I left for college but we got back together. I've thought I was bi since I was 13 years old, and never really questioned the fact that I've NEVER had a crush on a boy, my only real crush was a long suffering one on my best female friend when I was 15 (I knew she was straight and never told anyone). Anyway, I started questioning why I was so afraid of commitment a few months back and that led me to the realization that I'm not attracted to men. As soon as I started questioning, I lost what attraction to my boyfriend that I had, and suddenly resented having sex/making out that I at least liked before (not loved). The problem is that I feel like I can't be sure, and he's one of my best friends. Is this a normal sequence of events for other lesbians? I haven't been able to get it out of my mind for months but I can't seem to accept it either. I haven't told anyone anything since I thought it was just my commitment fear. Who should I talk to about this? Who should I tell first? How can I be sure? I feel trapped in my own head.
Take a deep breath to start with, it's going to be ok. I think the feelings you are going through are completely normal and have been experienced by many people in your position. It's totally understandable you don't want to rush into things with your boyfriend but if you really don't have any kind of attraction to him then in the near future for both of you, you are going to have to end it. EC is a great place to start talking to people about it and being more confident in yourself. Does anyone know you are bi?
Thank you for responding! I'm out as bi to him and my close friends. We're long distance right now, which I think is part of the reason it took me so long to realize. I started questioning at the beginning of the summer when we were back together in person.
Do you feel like you would want to talk to one of your friends about it first or do you think you would rather talk to him first?
I don't know, I think I would rather talk to a friend first so it at least feels real... I just don't know how to get over the feeling that I'm faking or lying to myself and I don't know why I can't accept it. The signs are there enough that I feel dumb for not figuring this out earlier yet here I am months later. I know my friends and family would accept me so I don't know why I can't.... I feel like it is impossible to know until I've done it (I've kissed girls but never anything further) even though every sign is there. I feel like I've gone through the five stages of grief lol but I haven't hit acceptance yet.
It's okay to tell people that you're not certain. Honestly, that is the most honest approach. Honesty often prevails on the road to acceptance, at least among those who wish to understand you.
so should I open with "I think I might be gay and I don't know what to do"? I don't want to lose him as one of my best friends but I don't know what will happen especially long distance. I initially wanted to wait until I left for school to see if I still felt the same way or if it was the stress of being home, but here I am still thinking I'm gay. Then I wanted to wait until I could talk with him about it in person again (it's been almost three weeks now since I saw him last) but I feel like I'm just lying to him if I wait and do that.
It sounds like a reasonable opening to me. Just be completely honest that you really care for him and you don't want to hurt him that's why you want to tell him. You can say that the more physical the relationship becomes the more you realised something wasn't right.
Seattle, Now granted im saying this as a gay man, so grain of salt and all that but, it doesnt sound to me like you're a lesbian at all. Second, can you say more on how this fear of commitment came about? It seems like thats one of your main issues you need to work through first. Then ,you can begin to sort your feelings between physical and emtional attraction. So you wrote you havent really had many crushes. Then you said you liked being physical with your boyfriend and it only became unpleasant once you started having fears about the relationship. (And thus had perhaps a temporary emotional disconnect from the relationship) Im also curious how this crush started with your best friend...would you say it was strongest at the beginning or stronger after you really got to know her and became closer to her emotionally? From everything you wrote so far, if you want to label it, it sounds like you're "emotionally bisexual". Y
idk I definitely have never felt a strong attraction to men in my life so I don't really doubt that part of it. I really think it was more of a "I should probably be dating around now" thing combined with my friends pushing me reason that I even dated either of the boyfriends I've had, and while my first relationship was a mess I think I convinced I liked my current boyfriend because I actually like him as a person/friend. As for the crush on my best friend it started with me being very in denial about it until months later I just admitted to myself "calm down you like her". Followed by months of "she's straight and there's no chance and you should get over it", and after about a full year I finally moved on. I was friends with her years before that and years after, but the crush didn't start until I was 15. I'm not really sure what emotionally bisexual would mean, I feel like I wouldn't be having this crisis unless it was real considering how much I care about him as a friend. I feel like I've been searching for the answer for why I've felt something wrong in my relationships. I'm not really concerned with proving myself as much as I am concerned with how to move forward and accept it, I was/am just in crisis mode just trying to feel normal.
