Something new to me.

Welcome to EC! I'm Maddy, one of the Advisors here (as you can tell by the nifty little title under my username), and you're welcome to get in touch with me if you ever want to talk one-on-one
It's totally normal to be really nervous about approaching a crush for the first time, don't worry (*hug*) You're infatuated and nervous and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Do you ever see him on his own, or always with his group of friends? If you pass him in the halls or something when he's on your own, try to meet his eye and smile. That's all you need to do at first - it'll make him notice you, it'll put you on his radar. After a few times, add a nod or a quick "Hey". Countless people do that every day, and it shouldn't be interpreted as flirting, just friendliness. If you get to the stage where you're saying hi when you see each other, drop in a hint of conversation - just "where are you heading?" or something along those lines. I know how nervous something like that can make you, but trust me, you'll be way, way more aware of your blushing/heart beating faster/brain melting than he will. He most likely won't notice. If you become friendly with him, the worst that can happen is that there's a new person you're friendly with. Good luck!

 

hi arteb im adam, you need to get to notice each other first maddys right the odd ... hey as you pass can do that then work your way up to chatting best thign to get to know him without seeming like flirting is if you and some mates are doing summat invite him and his mates and chat to him. your interests are a great way to start. it is hard talking to someone you like in these situations but the best way is time to get to know each other as you need to find out how he feels about guys. just take ya time and get a new friend

good luck take care
x

 

Hi there and welcome to EC! I hope this site helps you come to terms with your orientation...

Dealing with a crush is really, really hard. I think many of us have 'been there, done that.' And adjusting to university is also really hard, and when you add the complexity of same-sex attraction and the questioning that comes with that, life becomes really tough. We're here for you.

As I read your introduction, what struck me is how much of your life you live in your head. I think I did the same thing growing up, and I regret it. What I'm not hearing about in your thread is your friends or your real interactions with people. Have any of these 4 crushes ever known you were interested in them? I'm guessing no.

So... going from having not had a relationship with anyone to befriending a complete stranger - who you have never spoken to and know nothing about, who you think is straight, and who is so hot that you don't think you'd have a chance with him - in the hopes of having a relationship with them, is something that happens in movies but almost never in real life.

That's perhaps harsh, but I've learned the hard way through personal experiences that it's important to have realistic expectations of life in order to really enjoy it and get the most out of it. And I worry that you're building these romantic fantasies in your head that will continue to disappoint you when they don't come true - hence the depression.

The reality is that this guy might be gay, and he might be into you. And even then, he might still turn out to be a complete jerk that you really wouldn't want to spend time with.

My advice? Work on YOU. Consider coming out and getting comfortable with your orientation. Join a club at university if you haven't already, and meet people that have interests similar to yours. Make new friends and meet other people through them. Try to get out of living in your head, but not in a way that requires all the stars to be aligned just right for things to go well. Instead do it in a way that is more likely to result in a series of small successes and victories. In a way that helps you overcome your shyness.

I really do see myself in you. And I wished that I'd let go of the fantasy, the idealism, the perfectionism when I was younger. But I didn't. And the depression persisted. Only when I finally gave up the fantasy and developed a rigorous honesty about myself and life did I find happiness.

A saying that I have to remind myself of over and over is:

That's not to say that you shouldn't expect good things from life. But the higher and more unrealistic your expectations, the more disappointed you may be.

Send me a private message if you want to discuss any of these things further. This wasn't meant to discourage you from trying to meet this guy. But it was to encourage you to do other things as well, and at the same time to temper your expectations around what might come out of getting to know him.

 

oh god dude i feel like im talking to myself with you lol mirror image. perhaps you should try catching him before he meets his friends or after youve finished for the day do they meet up then? is there a window of opurtunity to say hi and introduce yourselves. you dont have to worry about relationship yet beeing friends is the battle and your wrong you do deserve to be loved everyone does

x

 

arteb, i cant really comment myself on the situation your in i havnt really had that kind of experience, but the advice your getting from these guys sounds like good advice to me. firstly though you have to be confident and happy in your self, u say you dont deserve o be loved and that no one would want to be in a relationnship with you, how do you knoww this? everyone.. EVERYONE deserves to be loved. and u cant say no one would want a relationship with you as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, there are people out there who want to be with you now go find them boyo

 

Hey Arteb!

I have a different point of view and my ideas are closer to Jim1454's, when you have an intense crush, you believe you found your soul mate, when you have stomach ache when you see the person, it is an initial emphatuation and the truth and the matter is that you don't anything about the person.

My advice to you is DO NOT OBSESS! Imagine if you gathered all the energy and the time you have spent obsessing on this person and spent it on something more productive (i.e. approaching him, working on yourself, doing something that is actually productive) you would be much further right now. It's something you learn!

You learn by first understanding that a deep obsession with nothing backing it is useless. On my end, what I would do is that I would definitely become friends with one of this guy friends (it would be too difficult to approach him), find someone with who I have a lot of common grounds, and eventually reach out to him and get to know him better (as friends), eventually get his number, discuss gay issues with him, see where he stands, blablabla smooth, discreet and unnoticed. No rejection garanteed AND no expectations on my end, he might be my soul mate or not, I'm not obsessing over him! He's a human being just like me, my equal to whom I happen to be attracted!

 

It's really hard to answer a question like this. And frankly, at this point it's unnecessary to.
While you're in the middle of a crush is possibly the worst time to be worrying about how to define yourself.
Perhaps this is a one-time thing, perhaps you will have crushes on other guys later on. Perhaps you will discover that women never really did it for you anyway? Who knows? You should probably give it some time.
Sexuality shouldn't be something that you define yourself as. Just a convenient label that you can apply as needed.

There could be any number of reasons why you're having these feelings towards her again. Maybe you never really got over your crush on her in the first place? Or maybe you're just so infatuated with the guy your mind is bringing up similar memories for comparison? Or maybe a dream is sometimes just a dream, and not this super-cryptic memory from your subconscious about what you need to do.
All I can say is that it's not abnormal. I sometimes dream of people I crushed on years ago. Even the ones that turned out to be jerks.

 

Wow... I would just like to say, comment #4 by Jim blew my mind. I am inspired. Thank you for that.

 

And yet you're obsessing over this guy.

Don't get drunk. Alcohol is NOT a way to cope with life's problems.

You have a 'common' friend of sorts. So you should just get introduced. But again, make sure you're grounded in reality here. You don't like his friends - yet you think you'd like to spend time with him. Do you think he's going to stop hanging with his friends if he becomes friends with you? Do you think he's going to come out to you - one of the most difficult things any of us here have ever done - when he hardly knows you, assuming he's even gay to start with, or willing to admit it to anyone yet if he is?

Keep it real. I'm not sure you're managing to do that. Good luck though - I really hope you can resolve this one way or another.

 

Start a conversation of any kind. If he noticed that you're always looking at him, and hasn't confronted you about it yet, is because he likes it. Again, start a conversation of any kind. You'll never win nor lose if you don't run the race.

 

For what it's worth, that does happen to me too. There's one boy I crushed on in highschool (8 years ago!) and whenever I see him again, which happens once per year or so, I always start feeling obsessive towards him again.
I'll be damned if I know what that means, thoug...

 

I am in a loss of words right now.

It happened to me too and I'm still in a big crush. But I can't meet him, or talk to him, or even see him anymore.

So I advice you the same thing Jim did: keep it real. Many times when we fantasize of this great things that might happen with a *not so random* stranger, we build anxiety and hope that will most likely be never fulfilled, hence the depression.

I'm stuck there, so I tell you, please do NOT get there. Please.