Telling spouse

Tough situation, Hexamum.:dry: I can't advise you from personal experience, but as a military leader, I had to deal with major relationship problems with some of my married Soldiers on many occasions and. from my outside point of view, I've always thought that straightforward honesty (even couched to take the 'bite' off) was always best. On more that one occasion, I talked separately to my Soldier and then their spouse. With permission from both of them, I proceeded to explain the others' point of view (don't ask me why the couldn't talk about these things directly between themselves, I've never been married - to me it seemed too easy) and they usually reconciled after my limited intervention. (And BOY, was it uncomfortable for me to be in the middle of another person's marital relationship... But, of course, that was part of my job and I never said anything like that to any of my Soldiers or their spouses.)

Having bored you to tears at this point, I think you can see where my recommendation is coming from: be straightforward and honest with him. I KNOW that that is very hard! (Why else would I have had to have been too deeply involved in some of my Soldiers married lives if things were always as simple as the couple talking directly and frankly to each other?) But regardless of your husband's reaction, you are married and you owe him as honestly, however much it may hurt him (and you) to lay it on the line. Say what you mean and mean what you say about your feelings and your sexuality.

I'm just offering advice, though.

Best of luck!

 

Dont worry so much on the first conversation. You will likely be so nervous that anything you prepared to say will go right out the window anyway. That was my experience. It's the subsequent conversations where better understanding can result as the initial shock will be lessened. Coming out to my wife was the single hardest thing I've ever done. I'm so glad now that I did it.

Good luck to you. We're here for you.

 

Tell him and expect him to be upset. But this is for you. This is your life and you deserve happiness.

 

I have just been in this situation and I decided to write everything down so after initial shock, he had it in writing to help him process it. It was the hardest decision of my life and for 2/3 days I felt worse then what I did when I was safe in narnia!! But now we are a week and a half on and I feel like I can actually breathe. However you decide to do it, good luck and the initial reaction isn't a lasting one x

 

I have been in the same situation as you. I just went into into in prepared for him to be upset and confused. After the cat's out of the bag you will eventually feel better. It is tough at first but hopefully he will be supportive. My husband was accepting at first, but then turned angry and hostile about a week later. Now he is supportive, but we have decided to move apart. He moved out, but we still co-parent our 3 year old. We have a healthier parenting relationship now. I wish you luck hun. I am here if you need support. I know it is difficult situation and it feels as if you are going through it alone..

 

I'm looking for help with the same problem. I finally started working, but its not nearly enough to help me survive if he were to just up and leave, but part of me feels like I need to just say it already.

 

That's the point I got to. There was a million and 1 reasons why I shouldn't of told him: finance, I'm in university, childcare etc but I literally couldn't keep it in any longer.

 

Do you think maybe a affair would help you understand your feelings before you come out?(asking for myself.) I've always had feelings but felt like I need to hide that side of myself. Now I'm 25 and just want to be myself and happy. Not sure what to do either.

 

Hard one really, because then you've crossed the line of doing something wrong. When I came out to my husband he suggested I just lead a double life and have affairs but be discreet. It didn't sit right with me so refused. That wasn't me being me. That's again, hiding from something I'm so sick of hiding from.

 

are you still together? if so how did you compromise?

 

With me, I blurted it out one day. My wife was very upset and confused and worried. And of course she was, because she didn't know what was going on in my head. It dominated our relationship for a week or two but then things settled down and our marriage seemed to be ok. She actually said it was fine for me to find males sexually attractive, but she was afraid I would leave her for a guy. She even bought a nice artists print of a male nude for the bedroom. But she found it uncomfortable if I pointed out guys in the street or told her about my fantasies. Which was fair enough. I was very lucky to have someone so understanding and tolerant. And I could understand if she had wanted to end the marriage.
Then there came the time when I started having casual sex with men without her knowing and eventually I reached a point where I had to be more open about that, but we never really discussed it in any detail. I guess we were both in denial about the consequences. We also had other problems in our relationship unrelated to my sexuality, but I loved her very much and so I don't know what it would now be like if she was still alive. It's why I've decided to label myself as gay and not bisexual because I have made a promise to myself never to put another woman through all I put my wife through. It wasn't fair of me. On a very selfish level I loved living an active bisexual life, each gender has so much to offer sexually and erotically and emotionally, but I didn't enjoy betraying my values and my wife and our marriage.
Don't know if my story helps in anyway.

 

We are living in the same house but separately if that makes sense. This is only until I finish university. At times it gets difficult but it's mostly working for us. Whatever you decide, good luck xx

 

Hi Hexamum,
I know exactly what you are going through. I just came out to my gf of 10yrs. We have a child together which made things tougher for me. My advice is to have a conversation about where your future is headed and then just let it come out. I've heard this term many times "Just rip the bandaid off". I found it dumb and not at all practical, but the truth is, that's exactly how it needs to happen. Theirs no easy way to say "I'm gay" especially to someone you love but it's the only way. I've had such amazing support on this site in which I would've never been able to go through with admitting to the woman I love, my true self. Surprisingly, she understood and was very supportive. Not to say she isn't heart broken, but as I'm learning through my own experience and from the support on this site, is that it's all part of the grieving process. Be strong and always know that you have a supportive family here whenever you feel lost.
I wish you the best of luck and a lot of love!