Should I come out to my best friend first?

Hi Doughmaster. There are many people on this site that can directly relate to what you are going through.

Whether or not you choose to tell anyone is completely your choice, but you should be comfortable with whatever decision you make. Many of us Come Out first to a best friend or several friends before we ever (if we ever) Come Out to family members. Provided it goes well, that gives us support as we continue the journey to fully understand, explore and accept our sexuality – that and the simple relief that we no longer have to hide who we are inside so completely, can be a great confidence boost. So, in this case, how can you be comfortable with a decision to Come Out to your best friend? Well, a couple of things can be important, depending on your personal situation. First is do you have reason to believe that he will be accepting and supportive? From what you posted, it seems like you do – especially since he already has a gay family member. Second, can he be trusted to keep your information private and respect your right to Come Out (or not Come Out) to other people on your own timeline and at your own comfort level? That can be especially important if you are not Out to your parents and don’t feel comfortable that they know at this point. (You may consider your friend reliable in that he won’t tell your parents, but could you see him telling someone else which could lead to word getting back to your parents? Again, IF that is a concern in your situation.)

Being scared to tell anyone is completely normal. It’s hard to talk to anyone else about something as personal and private as your sexuality. In that moment, when you Come Out to another person, you are trusting them completely with this information and you feel totally vulnerable and, regardless of how long their reaction takes and whether it is supportive or dismissive, you feel like you are on trial waiting for judgment to be passed. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable as h*ll!

Your concern about not being taken seriously is also both normal and completely valid. Non-LGBTQ people often don’t understand how we can ‘know’ that we are other than heterosexual at younger ages. But, in fact, we were born the way we are and each of us come to a realization that we are not like everybody else in ‘that way’ at some point in our lives and it can be a very young age for some people. For a lot of us, we really start to recognize it around puberty. (In my case, I recognized that my sexual orientation was different from most of my peers around age 13, but it wasn't until I was around 25 that I felt that I had a really good personal understanding and full acceptance of it. ) Almost worse than rejection from a friend (or family member) is not being taken seriously when we finally muster up the courage to Come Out. I would say, just stay serious (don’t laugh it off with him or get mad) and be insistent - tell him again and again as many times as it may take for it to sink in with him, if he thinks you are just joking.

Just some thoughts. I hope some of this helps.

Remember, only YOU can make a decision to Come Out or not. Good luck with whatever decision you make!

Take Care. Stay strong and proud!

 

The story Quantumreality just told goes a little bit as my story goes as well. Ever since I was really young, I noticed that I had an interest that could be considered bein' different from what guys should think. In my case, I have a higher interest when it comes to female clothing. Always admire their kind of fashion and have been longin' to have a second wardrobe of my own in the future. I thought that I could live with that as a secret for my whole life, that was my plan back then. It's remarkable what puberty does to your body since I do recall bein' around 12-13 years old that somethin' changed: My interest took speed and I started to give it more thoughts about livin' this secret second life. Still thought that I could make it out.

Not 'til I reached the age of 22-23, I started to hesitate that livin' with a secret from everybody was a good idea afterall. I was about to be outsourced from a job I had and everythin' felt like crap. Back then, I've only told one friend via the cellphone about my true self, my interests and my dream about the future. I was very vulnerable and thought that maybe comin' out might be a good idea to ease abit of my heavy heart. (Now I don't mean that you have to do in such situation ofc, I just happen to feel like that vulnerable in order to tell somebody else No recommendations, just part of my story to be clear^^)
I did put alot of thought into it. Like Quantumreality mentioned is his text (big cred for those words Quantum, I did admired and enjoyed readin' your tips. They're excellent and I did recognized my path in your words ). There was one of my friends where I had a feelin' that I could really trust him. It wasn't somethin' I considered over night, I have to be sure to pick a friend that wouldn't reveal it to somebody else without my permission. I always tried to make him talk about the subject just to see if he was open-minded See how he would respond to certain things and what he thought about stuff, things like that^^ Tiny puzzle pieces that creates a whole picture and I felt confident with him So I decided! The truth is, and it's quite funny that my mum has actually said these words when we were out for a walk and she doesn't know about my true self: "Tellin' your family is always the hardest part" she said when we talked about that subject No wonder why I decided to tell a friend in the first place I saw everythin' like a bubble: If I went to his place, I entered his bubble where he knows about me And when it got late and I had to head home, I could exit that bubble. That's why I thought it was safe to talk with my friends about it and hope for their support. Now, how would it be if I told my family and created another bubble here? I'd have a harder time time to escape that one IF I would ever feel uncomfy. That scares me alot today, not sure of when and how I will be able to come out to them.

After that I've told one friend, I've been keepin' it up by tellin' one friend after the other one I'm happy that I have such great open-minded friends who can accept me for who I am, it was really hard to make that decision as I had no idea of how they would respond. I just had to enter this vulnerable state as I started to call "My sensitive state/level" and only when I was triggered by it, I received the courage to open up. I'm still the same person and friend as they've known ever since elementary (and high school-times for one). Not everybody know, I only tell a friend one by one at a place where no other ears can hear my words. If you've decided to come out you will learn which moments that feels good for you to open up. Moments when you receive more courage Always go with your own terms and when YOU think it feels right and the perfect time If you get a feelin' of hesitation or come to think that you're unsure if it really feels right: Never force yourself into situations where you feel bad. You surely don't want to make the eventual coming out to be a bad experience for you. Always listen to your heart, no matter what

I wish you the best of luck and I do hope that my story might be of some help as well Good luck with everythin' Doughmaster! Like Quantum said and I say it as well: Only you can make a decision to come out or not! If you have any more question, please ask and I'd be happy to tell more if there's somethin' you wonder about I'll do my best to clear out some thought and come with more advice if you need^^

 

Hi doughmaster, my friend came out to me as bi when we were 12, and I came out to her the next year, because I knew she would be okay, since she was bi. It's your own personal decision, but if you want to tell him, if he accepts his brother, he should accept you too!