Scared to come out?

Hi Alex,

I do know how you feel. I hid myself for a very long time. I'm 47 years old and just came out of the closet. As a FTM trans you have a journey that's different from mine, but we share a history of hiding in the closet. I've just been in it for so much longer.

You know from all the posts and comments that "you should only come out when you're ready" and all that. Since you already know that, I'd like to suggest a different thought for you.

No matter when you come out, the reaction of others won't change. You can stay in the closet for years or come out tomorrow. How others will react won't change. Either they will accept it or they won't, or they won't initially but come around after a time. The more time you spend in the closet the harder it is for you, and only you.

I wish you good luck in your journey, dude.

 

the first thing I notice is that you say yourself your not ready.

I personally am not out so I dont feel right giving too much advice on the subject, but I do know that you will know when you are ready... I see that on these forums frequently

I would suggest including some more info though... Why are you nervous specifically... they are homophobic, they are religious, etc.... your relationship with them, any chance they are wondering if your gay, etc...

Anyways I think that is all the advice I would feel comfortable giving, but someone will be along shortly I am sure... I do wish you the best of luck

 

You will know when the time is right. Just know that it is completely normal to be terrified of coming out. Even if they aren't religious, it can be really hard to come out. My mom told me multiple times before I came out that she would be okay if I were to be Gay and yet I was still utterly terrified of coming out and what her reaction would be, same with my friends. It would help if you provided some more info, anything would do whether it be your family is religious or if there is no specific reason which is totally fine. Good luck for whenever you do find the right time to come out.

 

Hi does anyone know how i can figure out if im transgender as im noy 100% sure

 

Being scared of coming out is completely normal. In my experience, you should be prepared.

Do you think you can handle any surprising, negative reactions from people? Are you up for discussing it and getting asked personal questions? Are you ready for having your identity questioned? If yes, then you are ready to come out, even though you're nervous about it.

When I started coming out I couldn't even say the word 'gay' to describe myself because it sounded so... well so gay it was a word full of prejudice, but also of a brave self-identification. I started shaking while considering saying it out loud.

Now I throw the words 'gay', 'queer', 'not-straight' and 'lesbian' in peoples faces all the time and I feel wonderful doing it!

 

Yea, I think saying you are bi, gay, lesbian, trans, anything LGBT out loud is always hard because of the negativity of it in society... It is only recently starting to change... And change takes time... Hopefully we will eventually reach a point where coming out will be a thing of the past because assumptions will no longer be forced on people until they resist them....

I know, pie in the sky guy here...

 

I came out to my parents this weekend and it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I had about 5 nervous breakdowns during the day, even though my bother, who supports me all the way, was there to help me. I suggest you keep someone close to you, a friend or partner, who you can trust and lean on for support.

I am never able to say the word gay either, it still feels so weird to be finally openly saying I'm gay. I mostly stumbled around and told my mom: "Well, the thing with the girlfriend... that won't happen any time soon." She was ultra confused until I was able to stay: "I'm gay."

Do you have any friends living close to your parents? I had a backup sleepover place just in case my parents would kick me out of the house. That might take away some of the stress...

And one thing: My parents asked for some time to process everything and I was really hurt. I expected to be hugged and loved. But I realized that acceptance was a rocky road for me too, so don't be to crushed if your parents don't know how to handle it right away. It might take them some time to accept the news. But parents will be parents and most of the time the love in a family is more important then anything else.

Hugs and lots of well wishes. Do what you feel is right, when you feel the time is right. But don't wait for the perfect time either. It takes some courage and the time will never be perfect!

 

I was terrified of coming out. My parents were among the first I told. They were really accepting and they really, to be honest, didn't care. It was an instant relief. Like all the weight had lifted off my chest and I'm glad I told them. As for coming out to everyone else, I didn't have to do that. Some dude blackmailed me for months and he eventually told everyone for me. Although a lot of people don't accept me for who I am, the ones who do are the people u want to hang around with. If u don't feel ur ready, thats okay but it's as simple as saying hi or asking how someones day has been. Just be brave and give it a go.

 

""No matter when you come out, the reaction of others won't change. You can stay in the closet for years or come out tomorrow. How others will react won't change.""

What a fab few words.
I shall keep those in my mind, if I may?

I'm at the beginning of the 'coming out' road too, so no advice really, but just be kind to yourself x
When YOU are ready, it'll happen.

 

My family suspected, and when I was 22 my brother found a PFLAG (Parents, Friends, and Families of Lesbians and Gays) brochure in my car. He asked me point-blank, and I came out awkwardly and not by my own timing, but still I was in my second year of college and I was mostly ready. This was in 1994 in the Midwest, so not nearly as accepting as today.

It's a door you can never go back through, so be willing to have a permanent change (hopefully a good, liberating change) in your life. You must be so sure of your identity that you're ready to have others label you basically for the rest of your life. I had been miserable in the closet so although unplanned on my part, coming out I was still a relief in the end. Today I could never be closeted the way I was.

How is the topic of homosexuality currently handled in your family? Is it discussed openly and in a positive way, or is there a feeling of shame or taboo? Do you think your family understands or can have empathy, or would they be quick to judge and harsh?

I would suggest thinking about what to do if things don't go well. Are you sure you would have somewhere to stay, money for survival, and people to support you? Can you deal with hostility, confusion, or even possibly ridicule? Not to scare you and hopefully this wouldn't be the case, but be prepared just in case.

Finally, be gentle with yourself. You're answering a big question in your life and the answer may not be obvious for a while. It's an important decision, so give it time, let yourself breathe and think, and take really good care of yourself. And when the time does come, have courage, hold your head high, and be proud of your awesome self.