Having feelings for a friend but in complicated situation

I've been in a similar situation but was the other man. We were coworkers who were friends and ended up falling in love with each other. He didn't admit his feelings for me right away and one day he just broke down and told me. He wasn't married but was a single father. But we were able to have a relationship and he slowly came out to his family and kids. He said he felt liberated and weight was lifted off his shoulders once he came out since he was able to express his true feelings. Since you're married, it's a difficult dilemma your in. But just follow what your heart tells you. If you really love this guy and he's told you how he feels about you, then just be honest and let him know how you feel about him. You don't want to life the rest of your life having regrets and thinking "if only I told him". As for your wife, if you want to set her free, the earlier the better. I wish you the best in your journey

 

Married myself and hoped my feelings would go away but I never let myself have children because a part of me knew it would come back to bite me. But I'm not going to judge you on that because I know how it feels to have a conserstive family. I get it. But what you have to think about is your happiness. You matter and you're not alone on this. It will not be easy and it might hurt others but I think telling your wife the truth is the first important step. It will be hard but you will feel amazing. Then worry about this Co worker interest. Having an affair and trying to lead a double life has not the greatest consequences. It hurts everyone, you feel terrible about yourself and it strains everything. Just please talk to your wife and I'm sure she will understand.

 

First off, welcome to EC, Gigi76 and SagitarianGuy

Gigi, nobody here will scold you, laugh at you, dismiss you or judge you. There are MANY people who lived a straight life, got married, had kids, and only really come to terms with their sexuality at a later stage, after all has been said and done. There's no shame in that.

I think you should put off telling the guy at work for now. It's more important for you to come out to your wife. Prepare for the worst (She wants a divorce) but expect the best (She wants to stay with you, but wants an open marriage). Sorry, but I'm a romantic at heart, and tend to get carried away sometimes. That aside, I really think you should tell your wife first. Get that over and done with, then plot your next move. I know it's daunting, scary as hell and in a way, embarrassing to admit to your opposite-sex spouse that you are attracted to members of the same sex, but the longer you live with this secret inside you, and the longer you try to keep up appearances, the more miserable you'd become.

Please keep us updated on the matter. In the meantime, just enjoy your stay here (*hug*)

 

You can also check out the LGBT Later in Life section if you haven't already. I agree with you that it's better to come out now than put it off time and time again. It's never easy to do, so I wish all the best of luck in your endeavours, and hope that things work out for the better

 

Stay strong! You are not alone!

 

That is a predicament, and I know I may be in the minority, but I might tell your friend at work first. Tell him you could never be with him until you settle things with your wife, that you havew wanted to do this for a long time, but that you didnt have the courage until he came along, or you know, something like that.... I say this because if your in the closet and married, Im betting you dont have any LGBT people in your life to give you support... I would bet this guy would probably be a pretty good friend while dealing with all this, and once you felt comfortable with how things are regarding your wife both of you would know you like each other... Even if you never date you would at least have your friend back, and it would probably be a lifelong friendship....

I am not positive this is the best course of action, but after seeing what others were writing and what I have been seeing in my experience, having an LGBT friend/ally might be very beneficial for someone in such a precarious predicament..

Either way, dont feel bad, this happens a lot thanks to society having made it so much harder for LGBT to be themselves... We all want to live by societies rules so we will be accepted... I do have a quick question, out of curiosity (I doubt it will help too much in the convo, so feel free to ignore if you dont want to respond), would you want an open relationship with your wife? If your just gay, and not bi, then I wouldnt think that would be appealing to you.... Unless you would do it for the sake of the kids I suppose...

Anyways, best of luck, it gets better

 

I'm with Abeautifulmind on this one.

Talking to your friend, having that support, that friendship, might well be your saving grace.
It may give you strength to deal with issues at home in a different way and keep you grounded when it gets rough.

It'll also save your friendship.

I am in the same situation. Minus the friend at work. Married. Conforming. Kids. Gay.
I've yet to tell husband all about it.
It's just finding that right time, that right moment and the first word of the first sentence.....

Good luck.
Oh, and welcome to Ec. It's amazing here. X

 

Hi Gigi76. I feel for you. Rest assured, no one here at EC would scold you for doing what you thought you were supposed to do all those years ago. I was in denial and in the closet until just this June. I'm 47, married to a woman and have two kids 16 & 12.

I am now out to my entire family, most people at work, and most friends. I am still living at home with my family, but my wife and I are working on all the divorce issues and figuring out how to move forward. It wasn't easy to come out to her, in fact it was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. Coming out to my kids was almost as difficult.

My wife has proved to be loving and generous, but it's been difficult on her as well. The kids don't seem fazed by it so much, but it will probably be difficult for them when I move out. I'm planning on doing that in November.

I don't know how your family will react if/when you come out. I hope you receive as good or better reception that I did.

Post on my wall if you want to talk further. Good luck to you!

 

Well if it was open, you would have to be prepared for her to be seeking some intimate connections elsewhere as well...

I would look at an open marriage between you two like a political marriage... I wouldnt even think it would remain once the kids moved out... its basically just for the kids.... I even have heard of straight people who want to divorce who wait until right after the kids move out....

For now though, I would just remember to relax, and make the decision as to what you want to do next.. Its one of three I think.. come out to your friend then your wife... come out to your wife then your friend... or dont come out... Do some soul searching...

Good Luck and I hope whatever you decide that you are happy

 

Honestly, and this might be too harsh or brash, but I would confront him and tell him the truth. I would tell him about the situation and tell him that you are a loyal man. Not only will this save you from a mess, but it will most likely cause his respect for you to grow. If you cheat on your wife, not only will you hurt your family, but you will probably show the man you love that you are not faithful. So, before you do anything sexually, tell your wife the truth. You and her both deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship.

I think you should be with this man, but only after you are no longer married to your wife.

 

I re-read this thread and have a couple of suggestions.

First, you are at the crossroads point. One direction is "fixing this mess you made" and the other is continuing to live in the closet. It sounds like from your post that you have reached the point of being ready to come out. If you're really ready to do that, then I suggest that you talk to your buddy at work. Come clean. Be completely honest and tell him why you freaked out. If you have any chance with him, complete honesty right now is the way. That's if you really do intend to come out. He may or may not wait for you, by the way, because this is going to take some time to unravel.

I suggest that if you decide that you need to come out to your wife and family (and friends?), then you do it for you. Not for your work crush. He may or may not wait for you, he may turn out to be not the right guy for you, you may feel differently later. There's all kinds of possibilities. If you pin all your reasons for doing this on this guy, you may feel regret for coming out if it doesn't work out with him. So, be really clear on why you are doing this and make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

Yeah, I totally get that. I can tell you from my experience, though I don't judge guys who have cheated, I am proud of myself for never having cheated on my wife. Not once. And I won't do it while we are still married. Beyond my own pride is that it is much easier to end your marriage on good terms if there's not another guy in the picture. Infidelity is a total killer on trust. If you can confidently claim to her that you never cheated, it will be infinitely better than if you can't.

Finally, I've posted this before in another thread and I think it's important for you.

You've waited a long time to be who you really are. As you said, "you only live once."

 

I think I'm gay hit the nail on the head here. I agree with his advice. I don't doubt you are a stable and loving person who would provide for the family. But faking am intimacy is hard. Good luck and know you're not alone

 

Well just remember to breathe and take your time...

It is a complicated situation and you will only regret it if you rush it...

I would still advocate telling your friend the truth first though.. He is obviously embarrassed about it all, and the sooner you tell him, the sooner he will be comfortable around you again... And then you will have support in real life AND EC

And with your wife, she clearly sees something is bothering you. I doubt she has any idea what it is, but maybe you prepare yourself and the next time she says something after your ready, it will be an easy way to start the convo...

Either way, still wishing you the best of luck. I hope things turn out well for you.