So...I am here because I am currently hating life. Am 16 years old, second year in middle school (Stuff happened.3 .years homeschooling was absolutely awful but the good part is I had a lot of time to think about my problems), am a Male-to-Female trans person, and am bisexual. Only recently got back at school and I was put in 2EH (Electricic/Wood Classes) without asking me if I wanted to do 2EH or 2M-VV (Fashion/Daycarethingy, yknow, babysitting and just helping others/Cooking Classes). This annoys me so much that they didn't ask me what classes I wanted to take when normally you ALWAYS have the choice when going to 2B... And I would have said 2M-VV, not 2EH. The above really annoys me, and it's pretty much too late to change now so I HAVE to do this for the rest of the year. yay, just like I wanted! I ABSOLUTELY HATE THESE TWO CLASSES. But... anyhow, as it's too late anyways (I'm considering intentionally fail 2EH and ask to switch to 2M-VV, even though I'd be 4 years behind), I have other problems. Specifically, what does a trans girl who looks and sounds like a guy and hasn't come out to anyone yet do? Everytime I have to say what do I like or something like that, what do I write? I don't like lying, but the only "masculine" things I like are: -...Besides Dragon Ball/Z/GT/Super, I can't even think of anything. Sure, I used to.be interested in video games. But now I find them to be so boring that they don't help improve my mood like they used to. Tell me ONE thing I like that you consider to be more masculine than feminine. Next week i have to write 3 things: -What do I like? (It could also be what do I like about myself but I'm not sure) -What don't I like? (Same as above but with not) -Do I get jealous of other people's body? And about what? (something like that) You see, as someone who hates lies and as someone who is VERY scared to talk, that last question is...rather personal. So like, my problem is, is this: I am 16 years old, 2 years older than the 2nd oldest in all of 2B. If my little, uhm, "secret" is leaked out, would they even understand about my problems? I know it differs for everybody but still, I feel like they wouldn't understand at all and be disgusted so I try to hide my personality which is something I somewhat fail to do (Could someone tell me what a masculine personality is like? Because my body aint moving like others at all and I'm not so boyish as the others at all, and seriously. I scream when I scream. Btw I almost cried multiple times at class. 9 days at school and already multiple times...sure. I definitely don't understand what masculinity is), like, hiding my personality is hsrd but I am scared of others... My question is — whenever I have to answer a question, should I just say the truth? As hard and shy as I am, I could probably say truths. I'm just scared of things. Another question is — when I have to somehow show my personality, should I just not lie about my personality? Because, long story short, in Regional Education thingy, we had to cut out stuff from magazines (I hope thats the correct word), and represent our personality by pasting it on paper. What I had is this: -日本大好き (Actually it says 日本daisuki on the paper, and it literally means "I love Japan" in Japanese. Well, the correct phrase has です/desu after the first stuff...) -Winter <3 -Along with snow and fire -The letter N. Supposed to stand for Natalie, a name I usually go by on the Internet. I lied and said I forgot why I put the N there, because...well yeah.) -"Lekkere Keuken" (Means "Delicious Kitchen" in Dutch) -Coca Cola -Coffee -Cat/Moon right above a heart. I. LOVE. CATS. AND. THE. NIGHT. That's all I had. I saw a bunch more stuff Iike eg I mean I wanted to paste some of these shoes / clothes but I didnt paste, I guess I like (more like want to try out atm) make-up, and I saw a drawing of multiple animals being pregnant (An Elephant's pregnancy takes 645 days, humans 288. I am absolutely shocked, compared to mice's 19 days), including a female human being pregnant. I wanted to paste this because I care about others and would love to be in a day care. Besides I want to have children in the future, so yeah. But I didn't cut it out and.paste it.on the paper. Now, not that much I could have used but I could definitely have pasted a lot more if I was going to be saying what I really am… Oh yeah, I also found a piece of text talking about being in the wrong body, quoting "Why can't I be a girl?". This is one thing I seriously wanted to paste on the paper…I obviously didn't as I have not come out to anyone. Let me re-ask though. Should I just stop being fake and just show my personality? (I wouldn't give a single *** if people think I'm gay. Truly.) One problem is is that my class is crazy and that I'm pretty much the most mature in 2B (though the 4 few girls might be more mature, but of the 9 boys including me I'm the most mature it seems. I truly can not handle being in the same class as 6 of the 8 boys, 0 of the 4 girls. No, seriously. CAN YOU JUST DO WHAT THE TEACHERS SAYS?! It gets a little out of hands. At least they ain't bullies… Another thing I'd like to say is this. I have realized I was trans for 2 years. Never have my parents asked what' wrong? Why are you sad? Or something like that. 7th day at school.Holy crap someone asked me if I'm feeling sad. (I was, I wanted to cry, but I said everything was fine and I'm doing fine which is a lie) SEVEN DAYS COMPARED TO TWO YEARS. Good parents I would be myself at school but my main conern is my parents. My dad randomly shows a topic about a trans, mother sighs in a "This shoukdnt be a thing" way. (Although my mom HAS referred to me as female before, sure it was an accident anf she "corrected" herself, but still. Does this mean ANYTHING? Or… I did have long hair so there's that) I'm just afraid of coming out in general. But I really want to be myself, it's just that I'm afraid of coming out. It's just the things that I like/don't like that holds me back from being "myself", as I am much more into feminine things and it would be much easier to reply to questions if I just say what I want tk.say, it' jjst that what I'm scared of is accidebtally coming out. …I'm sorry if this is so stupidly long, I just need to say this thing…My reason for putting this in Coming Out forum btw is because I know I'd end up coming out sooner than later if I do try to be myself. Especially with the question "Do I get jealous of other people's body? And about what?". Though here I'd just rather write I'd rather not reply because my answer is too personal… But I just don't know if I should stop faking and be myself because I feel like the only 2 friends I have would find it weird I'm much more into feminine stuff and have absolutely no interests in masculine stuff… I'm sorry for this unnecessary thread, I just want to have answers to stuff right now ;~; and i'm bad at explaining my problems which is anotber thing... Anyhkw I guess bye.. ~Catly
Since you don't seem to be bothered by what others might think of you, and you do seem bothered by the hiding and secrecy, it seems like you really want to come out. Can you identify specifically what's holding you back from doing that? Are you out to anyone? Is there at least someone, a friend perhaps, that you could come out to?
I guess I'm out to my sister, but I don't exactly trust her when it comes to lgbt topics. What I had to do was write my priorities in life. I didn't write lies and wrote transitioning from MtF...and wrote "have a boy/girlfriend". She did say she's there for me and all, but two-three weeks ago she said "your name is (male name), (male name)." which is why I don't trust her witg LGBT topics. Truly, what's holding me back is my inability to talk. I am so scared to talk, I literally try to avoid talking. Besides, I really feel uncomfortable while talking... Which results into me talking pretty quietly to avoid getting uncomfortable. I am generally really shy, and I'm also really easy hurt emotionally (Well, depends on how you hurt me. Merely thinking I'm disgusting for being bi or trans wouldn't hurt me, but saying I'm an attention seeker does hurt me for example) Physically I also get hurt easily since i'm weak, which is also another thibg i'm worried. In general, I just find it hard to talk and I'm really shy, plus my sister asked me "Why do you want to.be a girl?", this question is hard for me to reply to and I just said I was born like this. She didnt believe me and like what do you want me to say? This question and the last thing that holds.me.back from coming out is the way people ask questions. So, story time. End 2014, December 30th at 1PM, my mother wakes up and because the kitchen walls were painted pink, I randomly told my mother pink is my favourite colour. (still is) My mother went all like "You like the colour pink?! That's a colour for girls, not for boys! Boys like blue, green, etc., not pink!" something.like that. She seemed to freak out honestly. Same day, 11pm, no one in the kitchen except me and my mom. Mother repeats "you like pink?!" and after she finished i got mad wenr to the hallway talked to myself said "I'm not a boy, i'm a girl" and my sister heard me and tokd my mother and father. They then told me to come to the living room and asked questions. One of those questions just pretty much made me stick to lying instead of saying the truth. "You want to have titties?" this question is just weird and like I couldn't help but lie... He just couldn't say it normally... If they were calm I probably would have come out at the time (even though i started crying when my.mother asked whether I like guys or girls I still got away with it and now they seem to think I'm male/hetero), but the way they were asking the quedtuons judt made me unsure aboyt coming out, and this is what scares me about coming out, whether they use dialect words (titties or tits) instead of normal words (breasts, for example) really affects my answer. Use dialect words and it's less likely I'll say the truth. I'm pretty bad at saying the truth so it is something that scsres mr, but in general to sum it up, things that hold me back from coming out: Extremely shy, and feeling uncomfortable with my voice, resulting into being pretty scared just to talk (I love whispering though), scared of the reaction and on how they ask questiins and scared of what questions they ask. "Why do you want breasts" I barely have any answers to these sorts of questions. And that's the last thing that holds.me.back frkm transitioning. Again sorry for an unnecessarily long post ._. And to Lily, thank you ~ Edit- Jesus christ I should learn to create smaller posts... Sorry 'bout that
Needed something for PO (Plastische Opvoeding, I assume it's just called creativity in English because Plastic Education sounds weird), and... I mean, I didn't see the pink inside the outside, but still no one knows I like pink (I lied and said red is my favourite colour...>_> will say truth next time someone asks, I guess) I guess this map might make being myself easierish? Honestly though. I chicken out when I am being myself because I'm so unconfident...I just need to know, is there any way I can get more confident and feel better when talking to people? Because in general I talk so quietly. Also I realize this thread probably should of been in another forum because right now, as much as I want to come out, I think I'd rather wait so...which forum did it have to go to anyways?
This thread was pointless TBH. Got to change classes anyways, all I had to do was simply ask some specific person. I was already allowed the next school day, surprisingly. Although there seems to be a transphobe in class...well at least it's nice to actually see the word transgender on paper in class that was put by the teacher. Yay for teachers! I will not come out sometime soon anyways, and my main problems have been fixed. As pointless as this thread was, could mod close it please? Thanks~
Hi. I don't think it was pointless. I'm really sorry you're going through this. There is still so much misunderstanding and intolerance for the wonderful differences that exist in all the people in the world. I'm sorry I missed your last reply to my question. I didn't see it until now. When your sister asked you "Why do you want to be a girl?" I think the best response might be: "I don't want to be a girl. I am a girl." Not that you necessarily want to go back to her now and say that, but having that idea in your mind for the future might give you something to say back. You don't have to come out soon, or ever for that matter, if that's what you want. This is scary, and there's no timetable for you to have to follow, except the one that's in your heart. I don't know how your parents would react if you came out, only you can best judge their potential response. You identify here on EC as transgender female. You seem to accept that well enough, so you have made great progress already. You have a general belief that you're bisexual in orientation, but still questioning that as well. Give that time to percolate in your brain, and you'll figure that out in time. As for coming out to anyone else (besides your sister), you've got plenty of time for that in the future. My best advice to you is to focus on school for now. Before you know it, you'll be an adult with independence, and you can decide then if you want to let people know of your gender identity/sexual orientation if you wish. Ultimately, even at 16 you know that you only get one life to live in this world. Just one. In the grand scheme of things in the universe, your life will go by in a blink. Only you can decide how much of it you want spend by pleasing other people and not yourself.
