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National Coming Out day preparations, 3 letters, extreme anxiety... Suggestions?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ABeautifulMind, Sep 13, 2016.

  1. ABeautifulMind

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    Ok so I am starting a new thread because I just finished 3 out of 4 letters for my family.

    They are still incomplete, but barely. I have been pretty anxious so I just wrote what I could and after seeing any helpful suggestions, I intend on refining them... I have 4 weeks until coming out day, so I think I am on schedule... I would greatly appreciate any comments ranging from just support, to revision suggestions, to similar storys and how it went for you, etc...

    Without further ado, the letter for my dad...
    Ok dad, I want to clear the air about something that I would really appreciate staying between us for now… I know you think I am gay. I am not. Im also not straight. The term that best describes me is bi-demisexual. I know that sounds like some weird term, but it just means I am bisexual. However, I also have to know someone on a personal level before I will usually experience real attraction for both guys and girls… A level that usually meant I was in the friend zone before I realized I was attracted to them… For example, if you think back and remember when I was growing up, I never had a lot of gf, but when I did, it was always a friend first who became a girlfriend… and they did not become a gf as new friends… Most of the time it takes a while. If you think back to my first girlfriend, back in CC, B, best friends then became first time bf gf…. It is also what happened with JD. Just like with J… we were good friends, before I first felt like I liked then loved her…

    I wanted to tell you this because I think you keep fishing by always saying how ok you are with LGBT people and issues… I also need to be able to stop feeling like I have to hide this all the time from you and live my life honestly/openly as the person I really am. My hopes are that you will be accepting of this and of me, and that nothing changes between us. I am still the same son I have always been. Nothing will change between us from my side/point of view, except that, hopefully, we can have an even better relationship since I can now be completely honest with you about myself.

    But now I also want to explain why I still felt a need to hide it. I have an early childhood memory I believe to be the first time I ever got in serious trouble.. When I was playing I think football with Josh at around 3 or 4.. Something happened and I called him a fag. I didn’t even know what it meant, but I knew it was mean. I am curious if you remember any of this? (pause) Anyways, mom snapped. Sat there yelling at me about do you have any idea what that is? That is when two boys have sex, do you know how gross that is? do you think your brother is that gross? I don’t remember everything she said verbatim obviously, but it was definitely implying extreme negativity for anything gay. She instilled that in me before I ever realized I even liked guys at all… Luckily I was able to hide what she had such disdain for, because I was attracted to girls too…


    Next, I want to point out a couple things before explaining the next memory… First of all, I need you to promise to never mention this part to mom. (pause) We used to hang out in my room and all smoke pot and chill every evening and we all got a long pretty good, though obviously not perfect… Then we started drifting apart slowly until mom wrecked my truck and “created a chasm” between us… I never told you about this, but mom and I had a conversation when I was around 24 or 25… She explained to me that when I was always hanging with Justin, she thought for sure I was gay, and she didn’t know what to do because she knew she could never accept a son who liked men… That is why I started distancing myself. That is why I get angry at mom easily compared to other people… Its why mom thinks I have such explosive anger… Its why I get so incredibly angry about the truck. Its like the truck is obviously something I am justified in being pissed off about, but I am almost positive I am just using it as a valid reason to take out my anger on her about the comment about never being able to accept me if I liked guys… Im ultimately sorry I never told you, but I really hope now you will understand why I never did… It just seemed easier to ignore any guys I liked, and focus on the girls I liked… That way I could just hide it from everyone… But I am not doing that anymore…

    I am not sure if and when I want to tell mom all of this… I was thinking of trying to get into see a therapist a couple times to fill them in on what’s up, and then have mom come in with me, but then when you said she was moving in with David I wondered if it might be better to tell her soon so she can process it over there… I doubt she has changed very much since the last time she said she could never accept a son who was into guys…. So I would rather not have to be around her if she doesn’t take it well..

    The letter for my brother:

    I feel like this has been a long time coming… I know you probably think I am gay... I am not… I am also not straight… I am pretty sure you knew that because of, well my entire life. I doubt you have ever heard of it, but I actually identify with the term bi-demisexual. I know that sounds like some weird term, but it just means I am bisexual. However, I also have to know someone on a personal level before I will usually experience real attraction … A level that usually meant I was in the friend zoned before I realized I was attracted to them… For example, if you think back and remember when I was growing up, I never had a lot of gf, but when I did, it was always a friend first who became a girlfriend… and they did not become a gf as new friends, most of the time it took a while. If you think back to my first girlfriend, back in CC, B, best friends then became first time bf gf…. Just like with J… we were good friends, before I first felt like I liked then loved her… It also happened with M my sophomore year in highschool… In fact one of the reasons I have never said anything is because it took me a long time to realize what the hell was going on… A while back though I started reading about shit like this, and upon reading about demi sexual, a point on the asexual spectrum surprisingly, I realized this was what was so different about me from others… I only had a small handful of people in my life that I was ever attracted to, and it has ALWAYS been close friends… I also think it has something to do with why I have dated EVERY single one except J more than once… It was always easier than trying to move on to another…

    I have already told dad about this, but no one else. I actually want to tell you first, but I am honestly questioning your response more than dads. I have lived my entire life hiding myself from this family for different reasons. We can talk about those later if you want, but my point is, now that I actually understand how I feel myself, I am no longer going to hide.


    The letter for my sister:

    Me and you have been through thick and thin… We have always been the ones that when shit hits the fan, we sit down behind mom and dads’s back, and fix the fan. I am not certain whether or not you think I am gay. I know based on interactions dad and josh do. I have also written some stuff for them about this… I am not gay, but I am not straight. I have never told anyone this before these letters, and I am almost certain you can guess why. I have always been worried about how our mother would behave… She has said some pretty terrible things in the past that have made me hesitate even acknowledging anything besides the social norm… Anyways, to make a longer story somewhat shorter, I am both bisexual and demi sexual... I know you know what bisexual is. The term demi sexual is, surprisingly, on the asexual spectrum. It relates not to who I am attracted to but what it takes for me to be attracted to someone. I have to know someone on a personal level before I will usually experience real attraction … A level that usually meant I was in friend zoned before I realized I was attracted to them… For example, if you think back and remember when I was growing up, I never had a lot of gf, but when I did, it was always a friend first who became a girlfriend… and they did not become a gf as new friends, most of the time it took a while. If you think back to my first girlfriend, back in CC, B, best friends then became first time bf gf…. Just like with J… we were good friends, before I first felt like I liked then loved her… It also happened with M my sophomore year in highschool… In fact one of the reasons I have also never said anything because it took me a long time to realize what the hell was going on… A while back though I started reading about shit like this, and upon reading about demi sexual, I realized this was what was so different about me from others… I only had a small handful of people in my life that I was ever attracted to, and it has ALWAYS been close friends… I also think it has something to do with why I have dated EVERY single one except J more than once… It was always easier than trying to move on to another…


    I have been hiding this whole life, always just pretending to be just like everyone else ignoring who I really was… Granted it has not been as hard on me as some others, because I am attracted to women, but I need to stop hiding who I am and start living openly and honestly… I sincerely hope you can accept this. I am still the same little brother I have always been, I need you to remain the same big sister I have had since we got on the same page with green jalapenos… I need you to remain my number 1 ally when it comes to mom.

    So, I wrote them in that order as well, and I think the opening improves with progression, should I rewrite my dads first paragraph to sound more like my sisters in the explanation? IDK if I am reading too much into it... I always assume my writing improves in every iteration :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Please comment with anything you think of... I am a little scatter brained and I really dont want to mess this up... I really appreciate the help I have had so far.. Thank you for your comments/replies...

    PS I tried to use spoilers to make the post shorter, but I have never used them, so no clue if it works...
     
  2. Shorthaul

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    Firstly, the spoiler thing worked lol.

    Secondly, all three are pretty good. You kept to "I" statements and they flow pretty well. I wish you the best of luck.
     
  3. ABeautifulMind

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    Thanks :slight_smile:

    I am really glad the spoilers worked, it was really long otherwise...

    I think I am going to wait a day before trying to revise them, just to help kinda clear my mind.

    I thought of something funny though... if parents make a bet about their child and whether they are gay or straight (I have seen this scenario in movies) and the kid comes out to them as bi, who wins the bet? I vote the kid :grin: :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. killswitch0029

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    They look pretty solid. The first paragraph in the one to your dad seems a little formal-ish to but there ain't anything wrong with that. Great job :slight_smile:
     
  5. ABeautifulMind

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    See, I think as I continued writing I got more and more comfortable and it made me relax and explain a little better... I think that is the first one I will look at when I start revisions tomorrow.... I had thought that, but I wanted to make sure I wasnt reading too much into it..

    Thanks :grin:
     
  6. ABeautifulMind

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    Ok, I revised them some, I didnt alter them a lot, but made a few improvements...

    Sorry to keep posting these letters, but I really do appreciate the help...


    Dad's
    Ok dad, I want to clear the air about something that I would really appreciate staying between us for now… I know you think I am gay. I am not. Im also not straight. The term that best describes me is bi-demisexual. I know that sounds like some weird term, but you know what bisexual. Well demi sexual is a term on the asexual spectrum, it makes it so I also have to know someone on a personal level before I will usually experience real attraction for both guys and girls… A level that usually meant I was in the friend zone before I realized I was attracted to them… For example, if you think back and remember when I was growing up, I never had a lot of gf, but when I did, it was always a friend first who became a girlfriend… and they did not become a gf as new friends… Most of the time it takes a while. If you think back to my first girlfriend, back in Corpus, Bernadette, best friends then became first time bf gf…. It is also what happened with Justin. Just like with Jackie… we were good friends, before I first felt like I liked then loved her… In fact one of the reasons I have also never said anything because it took me a long time to realize what the hell was going on… A while back though I started reading about shit like this, and upon reading about and considering demi sexual, I realized this was what was so different about me from others… I only had a small handful of people in my life that I was ever attracted to, and it has ALWAYS been close friends… I also think it has something to do with why I have dated EVERY single one except J more than once… It was always easier than trying to move on to another…


    Finally feeling like I know who I am is a big reason I am finally coming out. I have never felt confident enough in what I felt before to try and defend it to anyone… I also wanted to tell you this because I think you keep fishing by always saying how ok you are with LGBT people and issues, and I don’t want to keep this from you… I also need to be able to stop feeling like I have to hide this from you all the time, and live my life openly as the person I really am. My hopes are that you will be accepting of this and of me, and that nothing will change between us. I am still the same son I have always been. Nothing will change between us from my side, except that, hopefully, we can have an even better relationship since I can now be completely honest with you about myself.

    But now I also want to explain why I still felt a need to hide everything. I have an early childhood memory I believe to be the first time I ever got in serious trouble.. When I was playing I think football with Josh at around 3 or 4.. Something happened and I called him a fag. I didn’t even know what it meant, but I knew it was mean. I am curious if you remember any of this? (pause) Anyways, mom snapped. Sat there yelling at me about do you have any idea what that is? That is when two boys have sex, do you know how gross that is? do you think your brother is that gross? I don’t remember everything she said verbatim obviously, but it was definitely implying extreme negativity for anything gay. She instilled that in me before I ever realized I even liked guys at all… Luckily I was able to hide what she had such disdain for, because I was also attracted to girls, in the right situation atleast…


    Next, I want to point out a couple things before explaining the next memory… First of all, I need you to promise to never mention this part to mom. (pause) We used to hang out in my room and all smoke pot and chill every evening and we all got a long pretty good, though obviously not perfect… Then we started drifting apart slowly until mom wrecked my truck and “created a chasm” between us… I never told you about this, but mom and I had a conversation when I was around 24 or 25… She explained to me that when I was always hanging with Justin, she thought for sure I was gay, and she didn’t know what to do because she knew she could never accept a son who liked men… That is why I started distancing myself. That is why I get angry at mom easily compared to other people… Its why mom thinks I have such explosive anger… Its why I get so incredibly angry about the truck. Its like the truck is obviously something I am justified in being pissed off about, but I am almost positive I am just using it as a valid reason to take out my anger on her about the comment about never being able to accept me if I liked guys… Im ultimately sorry I never told you, but I really hope now you will understand why I never did… It just seemed easier to ignore any guys I liked, and focus on the girls I liked… That way I could just hide it from everyone… But I am not doing that anymore…

    I am not sure if and when I want to tell mom all of this… I was thinking of trying to get into see a therapist a couple times to fill them in on what’s up, and then have mom come in with me, but then when you said she was moving in with David I wondered if it might be better to tell her soon so she can process it over there… I doubt she has changed very much since the last time she said she could never accept a son who was into guys…. So I would rather not have to be around her if she doesn’t take it well..

    Brother's
    I feel like this has been a long time coming… I know you probably think I am gay... I am not… I am also not straight… I am pretty sure you knew that because of, well my entire life. I doubt you have ever heard of it, but I actually identify with the term bi-demisexual. I know that sounds like some weird term, but you know what bisexual is. Demisexual is a point on the spectrum from sexual to asexual; it means I have to know someone on a personal level before I will usually experience real attraction … A level that usually meant I was in the friend zoned before I realized I was attracted to them… For example, if you think back and remember when I was growing up, I never had a lot of gf, but when I did, it was always a friend first who became a girlfriend… and they did not become a gf as new friends, most of the time it took a while. If you think back to my first girlfriend, back in CC, B, best friends then became first time bf gf…. Just like with J… we were good friends, before I first felt like I liked then loved her… It also happened with M my sophomore year in highschool… In fact one of the reasons I have never said anything is because it took me a long time to realize what the hell was going on… A while back though I started reading about shit like this, and upon reading about demi sexual, I realized this was what was so different about me from others… I only had a small handful of people in my life that I was ever attracted to, and it has ALWAYS been close friends… I also think it has something to do with why I have dated EVERY single one except J more than once… It was always easier than trying to move on to another…

    I have already told dad about this, but no one else. I wanted to tell you first, but I was nervous about your response so I told dad first. I have lived my entire life hiding myself from this family for different reasons. We can talk about those later if you want, but my point is, now that I actually understand how I feel myself, I am no longer going to hide.

    Sister's
    Me and you have been through thick and thin… We have always been the ones that when shit hits the fan, we sit down behind mom and dads’s back, and fix the fan. I am not certain whether or not you think I am gay. I know based on interactions dad and josh do. I have also written some stuff for them about this… I am not gay, but I am not straight. I have never told anyone this before these letters, and I am almost certain you can guess why. I have always been worried about how our mother would behave… She has said some pretty terrible things in the past that have made me hesitate even acknowledging anything besides the social norm… Anyways, to make a longer story somewhat shorter, I am both bisexual and demi sexual... I know you know what bisexual is. The term demi sexual is, surprisingly, on the asexual spectrum. It relates not to who I am attracted to but what it takes for me to be attracted to someone. I have to know someone on a personal level before I will usually experience real attraction … A level that usually meant I was in friend zoned before I realized I was attracted to them… For example, if you think back and remember when I was growing up, I never had a lot of gf, but when I did, it was always a friend first who became a girlfriend… and they did not become a gf as new friends, most of the time it took a while. If you think back to my first girlfriend, back in CC, B, best friends then became first time bf gf…. Just like with J… we were good friends, before I first felt like I liked then loved her… It also happened with M my sophomore year in high school… In fact one of the reasons I have also never said anything because it took me a long time to realize what the hell was going on… A while back though I started reading about shit like this, and upon reading about demi sexual, I realized this was what was so different about me from others… I only had a small handful of people in my life that I was ever attracted to, and it has ALWAYS been close friends… I also think it has something to do with why I have dated EVERY single one except J more than once… It was always easier than trying to move on to another…


    I have been hiding this whole life, always just pretending to be just like everyone else ignoring who I really was… Granted it has not been as hard on me as some others, because I am also attracted to women, but I need to stop hiding who I am and start living openly and honestly… I sincerely hope you can accept this. I am still the same little brother I have always been, I need you to remain the same big sister I have had since we got on the same page with green jalapenos… I need you to remain my number 1 ally when it comes to mom, particularly when I do come out to her...

    Also, some may notice that my letter to my mom (posted in its own thread) appears to be more assertive/open about everything. This is because I know once my dad hears I am bi, he will be fine. When my mom hears, she will think, "he might still go with a girl" and I fear she may attempt to pressure me or influence me to only date girls... So I wanted to make sure I was very clear with what I said to her.

    Thanks again for all the help and support.. Let me know what you think and make sure if you see anything that might not be taken well or might not be understood well or anything, please let me know.
     
  7. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    I think the letters are wonderful! Coming out in letters are somewhat easier, because you can read through it again and again, chop and change it before actually giving it to someone. I also came out to my parents in letters, and though they initially didn't say anything, they are now at a point where they can talk about it with me.

    I wish you all the best (*hug*)
     
  8. ABeautifulMind

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    I just finished revisions on my dads letter, so I am going to post it now and work on my siblings...

    My dad is getting a speech, I am only using this letter as a way to make sure I say exactly what I want to say. But I am too close to my dad to just give him a letter... My mom is getting a letter.. not sure about my siblings just yet, but my dad definitely is not :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Ok dad, I want to clear the air about something that I would really appreciate staying between us for now… I know you think I am gay. I am not. I’m also not straight. I identify as bisexual and demisexual. I know that sounds like some weird term, but you know what bisexual. Well demisexual is a term on the asexual spectrum. Meaning it has nothing to do with who I am attracted to, but rather what it takes for me to develop attraction. I have to know someone on a personal level before I will usually experience real attraction for both guys and girls… A level that usually meant I was in the friend zone before I realized I was attracted to them…

    For example, if you think back and remember when I was growing up, I never had a lot of gf, but when I did, it was always a friend first who became a girlfriend… and they did not become a gf as new friends… Most of the time it took a while. Just like with J… we were good friends for years, before I first felt like I liked then loved her… I have been using this alone time, and I started reading about shit like this, and upon reading about and considering demisexual, I realized this was what was so different about me from others… In fact I started looking back at past relationships and every single one made much more sense. I only had a small handful of people in my life that I was ever attracted to, and it has ALWAYS been close friends… I also think it has something to do with why I have dated EVERY single one except J more than once… It was always easier than trying to move on to another…

    Finally feeling like I know who I am is a big reason I am finally coming out. I have never felt confident enough in what I felt before to try and defend it to anyone… I also wanted to tell you this because I think you keep fishing for me to “come clean” by always saying how ok you are with gay/LGBT people and issues. I also need to stop feeling like I have to hide this from you all the time, and live my life openly as the person I really am. My hopes are that you will be accepting of this and of me, and that nothing will change between us. I am still the same son I have always been. Nothing will change between us from my side, except that, hopefully, we can have an even better relationship since I can now be completely honest with you about myself. That is, if you can accept me as your bisexual and demisexual son.

    PAUSE?

    But now I also want to explain why I still felt a need to hide everything, despite you saying you were fine with gay/LGBT people. I have an early childhood memory I believe to be the first time I ever got in serious trouble.. When I was playing I think football with J at around 3 or 4.. Something happened and I called him a fag. I didn’t even know what it meant, but I knew it was mean. I am curious if you remember any of this? (pause) Anyways, mom snapped. Sat there yelling at me about do you have any idea what that is? That is when two boys have sex; do you know how gross that is? Do you think your brother is that gross? I don’t remember everything she said verbatim obviously, but it was definitely implying extreme negativity for anything gay. She instilled that in me before I ever realized I even liked guys at all… Luckily I was able to hide what she had such disdain for, because I was also attracted to girls…

    Next, I want to point out a couple things before explaining the next memory… First of all, I need you to promise to never mention this part to mom. (pause) We used to hang out in my room and all smoke pot and chill every evening and we all got a long pretty good, though obviously not perfect… Then we started drifting apart slowly until mom wrecked my truck and “created a chasm” between us… I never told you about this, but mom and I had a conversation when I was around 24 or 25… She explained to me that when I was always hanging with J, she thought for sure I was gay, and she didn’t know what to do because she knew she could never accept a son who was gay… That is why I started distancing myself. That is why I get angry at mom easily compared to other people… It’s why mom thinks I have such explosive anger… It’s why I get so incredibly angry about the truck. It’s like the truck is obviously something I am justified in being pissed off about, but I am almost just using it as a valid reason to take out my anger on her about the comment about never being able to accept me if I liked guys… Im ultimately sorry I never told you, but I really hope now you will understand why I never did… It just seemed easier to ignore any guys I liked, and focus on the girls I liked… That way I could just hide it from everyone… But I am not doing that anymore…
    I am not sure if and when I want to tell mom all of this… I was thinking of trying to get into see a therapist a couple times to fill them in on what’s up, and then have mom come in with me, but then when you said she was moving in with D I wondered if it might be better to tell her soon so she can process it over there… I doubt she has changed very much since the last time she said she could never accept a son who was into guys…. So I would rather not have to be around her if she doesn’t take it well..

    Thanks again everyone for the help/comments/support. It has been very helpful and stress relieving to come on here and read your replies...

    I revised my dads letter a bit to remove more of the so called evidence because when I thought about it, I doubt I have to convince or prove anything to him... But I wonder if I should wait until I get a response at the big "PAUSE?" point? I mean before I explain why I have had such a hard time coming out... Because the first part is really me coming out, the second part is really me explaining everything about my mom so that not only does he know why I never felt I could come out, but also because I want him to understand why I want his help/advice in coming out to her... But I wonder if before I burden him with all that if I should like... pause and make sure he is on the same page as far as him accepting me? just a thought, but really I could go either way (<funny right? lol)

    ---------- Post added 16th Sep 2016 at 08:56 AM ----------

    Remove the if and when at the bottom, it should just be when... IDK how I missed that..