(older lesbian) NEED to COME OUT, but I dont feel ready

Hi Guys,

I would love to get a little feedback and perspective on this. I am currently 26 years old. I am a fairly attractive black women who is used to being around diverse groups of people. I think am seen as pretty cool, and I get hit on by men (and sometimes women) all the time. But, I am a gay. Well I think I am gay, and I am closeted. I have only told just a few of my very close friends.

I have known about this ever since I was about 21 years old when I was in college, and explored my feeling through TONS of books, Youtube videos, Movies, TV shows, and really anything that I could relate to in terms of sexuality and being a gay women. 5 years ago, I was pretty sure I was gay, and I was excited to explore dating and relationships. Soon after I moved to Los Angeles for a career in music and nothing seemed to happen.

I have been in Los Angeles for over 4 years, and I have not been in a relationship with anyone. Too be honest, I have barely gotten past the 4th date with any girl. I have been sexual, but they were horrible experiences, they didnt last, both girls left me literally right after. I wasnt crazy about these women, but it still hurt. The last time I have been sexual was over 2 years ago.

I am busy with work, but I have been actively trying to meet new women, and it is just so hard to get anything to take off. AM I WEIRD???

I know that I am not ugly, I am fit, I have a nice smile, a fairly pretty face, and I am smart and somewhat successful, I am also a very good conversationalist.

Women tend to be very into me for the first 3 dates, some will even say "omg I like you so so much", but then by the 4th or 5th, they are gone and something changes.

I am finding that a lot of women are scared of dating me because I am not out yet, and I know I need to come out, but I would have really liked to have had one positive somewhat dating experience with a women before I do that. I think a lot of women are scared to date me because they would be my first "real" relationship. Most women know all of this by the first date. They are very aware of my situation before saying that they like me.

The way I grew up and with me being gay, it makes sense that I have not been in a relationship previous to now. I didnt know I was gay until later in college, and before that I dated men that were jerks I was bored hanging out with them.

I am a bit introverted (a lot of people are surprised by this because I can act extroverted), but with that maybe I confuse people because they expect me to be something that I am not. Maybe I am simply attracting the wrong people? I am black, but I grew up going to all white schools, and my friends were and still are mainly white. Maybe I confuse people with that as well.

I want to COME OUT and be free so bad. But I can't until I get just a bit of real experience where I have sex with a women more regularly, rather than once, where I feel somewhat of a connection and that it actually goes somewhere, where I think to myself "hmmm i could fall in love with her". I pretty much know that I am gay, but I feel like for some reason I cant date women. I am shy but i just don't understand why my path is so vastly different from anyone elses. It is very frustrating and I am feeling like this all is a Catch 22 and I wont get anywhere with this.

Please I would love advice on this, and I would for anyone to speak up if they are possibly going through something similar.

Should I come out before really knowing, and not having someone there or has been there to affirm my feelings to my family?