(Not sure if this goes here; mods please move if necessary, thanks!) I keep trying to explain all this and it turns into 11 paragraphs of me rambling about family anecdotes that no one cares about, so I'll try to get to the point -- I want to come out to my parents, I think I'm 96% ready to do so, but I don't want them to tell my grandparents. Because my grandmother has been explicitly homophobic in her speech (during a pro-gray commercial she said, "oh can't they all just go back into the closet?" and then much more recently something was on the news and she said "that's the worst thing I can imagine, two women kissing; doesn't that make you sick?" and i at the time was just starting to date my now steady girlfriend, and I was like "yeah, sure grandma, whatever you say" while wanting to go hide and cry :icon_bigg: ) Anyway, that kind of thing. It's pretty common for people of that age in our one horse town, but it's still kind of shocking to hear the woman who helped raise you spout such things so casually. Anyway! Two or three years ago when I was just starting to think I was gay, and the whole idea of coming out was just an academic discussion, I told myself, "Well, I can just wait until my grandparents die. There's no need to worry them with all of this, to upset the family, to ruin their idea of me. They can just die in peace." And so on and so forth. And now, not to be a completely piece of trash, but I'm like . . . wow . . . they are not gonna die any time soon, are they? And I want to get on with my life. I want to move back to my hometown with my girl and start a life and be open and out and all that good stuff. I want to hold hands with her in town and not be scared someone is going to see and report back to the family. We both know what we want but we can't do it while I'm in the closet back home, but I'm so scared to come out because of my grandparents. And that's not to say I don't love them. As old fashioned and gross as they are ("from a different time" and all that), I love them and I wish I could share this part of my life with them, but I know they'll freak out and I don't want to deal with it. And they've even met my girlfriend! I took her to their house on Christmas! She and my grandma got along great and she wants to spend more time with my grandmother but I'm so scared grandma is going to catch a whiff of The Gay and figure it out and the dream will collapse! I just!!!!! ????? ! So I don't know. I guess it's just a bad mindset: I can't come out until my grandparents die. I want to come out, therefore I want my grandparents to die. However, I love them and don't want them to die any sooner than they have to, especially since they're both in pretty good shape for their age. But therefore I can't come out? Any ideas for overcoming these thoughts? Similar experiences? Anything? Like, I'm not sitting here crying as I type or anything (been there, done that), but I'm just like, Surely I can't be the only one with these thoughts running circles in their head, or something similar. And to specify, if I did come out to my parents in the very near future, I would ask them to keep it to themselves and not tell anyone, but I'm afraid they wouldn't be able to keep it to themselves. We're in a small town (I'm talking under 200 people total), and word gets around. One of them might mention it to a relative (we're rednecks and we drink when we socialize and people do not limit themselves to just a drink with dinner) who might take it back to the old folks and then who knows what'll happen. I honestly don't care about the opinion of any of my other family members (I mean, I'd be hurt if they called me a monster and told me to go to hell, which with some of them I expect, but I'd live and I'd tell them to go to hell right back if they brought it up), but for whatever reason the idea of upsetting my dear old grandfolks just upsets me so much. Anyway, thanks for reading.
I'm in the exact same thing right now. My grandad died and I loved him so very much and I still love my grandma. But they both disagreed with any type of gay people being accepted. I personally haven't dated yet or told my parents so I'm kinda at the same point you are. I personally am gonna hope my grandparent never finds out. My parents have very openly said that while they think being gay is different that they don't want to see it. They think it should be legal and don't hate it but . I don't think I'm helping you at all right now but yes what is going on with you is very much a common thing since their just from a less accepting time. I've just told myself that it's none of my family's business and if they find out they find out but. Yea definatley not helping. I just wanted to say your not alone!!
Honestly, I wish my grandparents were still alive so I could tell them. Maybe they would hate me or not accept me but now I'm always wondering what if? What of my papa wad completly okay with it? What if my Nana knew all along? You gotta do what you're comfortable with. If you don't want to tell them don't but from my experience, I would have taken the risk.
Hi. I'm not advocating coming out to grandma. I too share Linkmaster's wish that my grandparents were still alive. I don't know how they would have reacted, but I know they loved me unconditionally. I admit that mine weren't demonstrably homophobic, they certainly came from an early era. Mine were born in the early 1900's. I don't know how old you are beewolf, but I suspect that I'm at a later point in life. It's a choice you could live to regret. Just food for thought.
Quite often people say you have to tell the world and let people react how they will. I, however, don't think that's how it has to be. Sometimes NOT telling some people is just easier for you. It's not about being ashamed or being afraid, it's just about wanting a bit of an easier life. I wish I had the courage to tell my parents, but grandparents? No way. I have no desire to ever speak about being gay with any of them and I would rather they never know. That actually makes coming out to my parents quite tricky as I really do not think it's possible to keep the information compartmentalized.
Obviously this depends upon the grandparents in question. Many are quite liberal. OPs grandma certainly does not seem to be an accepting person, which is why I agree that she doesn't need to know. I think the difficulty arises for LGBT folk who want to be able to celebrate major life events, such as marriage, with their whole family. Grandma gets excluded simply because YOU think she won't be accepting. I do wonder how many grandparents would say that over the last 10 years their minds and hearts have been opened by the changes in society, and although they may have expressed anti-LGBT sentiments in the past, they have changed their minds on the subject, at least a bit, and would be more accepting of a gay grandchild now. But they never got the chance to be accepting because it was just assumed they would be intolerant. Again, I'm not saying OPs grandma fits that description. Maybe I feel differently on this subject because I don't have living grandparents. Maybe I feel differently on this subject because I'm already out. I determined when I came out that I was going to do this for me. If I encountered anyone who couldn't handle it and rejected me, so be it. Even if it's family. Maybe I feel differently on this subject because I'm 47 years old and don't have time enough left for any more bullshit.
I feel ya lol. My grandparents are like that. I love em to death, but they would denounce my very existence if they found out about my boyfriend
