This is obviously a sensitive question so only answer if you're comfortable doing so. For those of you who did seek out sex while you were not publicly out whether anonymous, casual, or with someone you knew, did it bring you a lot of turmoil or even shame? Did having same-sex sexual experiences while closeted help you move towards coming out, keep things the same, or did it only serve to increase the complexity of your situation? Was it something you enjoyed despite the stress? Maybe you needed to do it to know for sure? I've read many posts about this that ranged from feelings of self-hatred to an unexpected clarity & understanding, so I wondered what everyone here had experienced. Thoughts?
These are interesting questions, but I will have to preface my comments with the understanding that the last time I had sex with a guy was about 25 years ago, and I was 22 years old. I'm now 47 and have been married for 20 years. I was closeted at the time, so I think I can speak to these questions even though it was a long time ago. Absolutely! I only knew that I had desires for men and I acted on them with 5 guys during my late teens to 22. I also had experiences with two boys when I was 11-13. I was nowhere near any kind of acceptance of being gay. Growing up with influences from some homophobic family members as well as my social/school/family circles taught me quite clearly that what I was doing was wrong. It was totally taboo, and I felt like I could never let anyone know what I was doing with these boys. I totally felt shame after these encounters. Just before and during sex? Well, lust and desire are more powerful than shame. It definitely served to increase the complexity of my situation. Some of my experiences were incredible and wonderfully erotic, while others were unfulfilling, awkward, and made me question my sexuality all the more. I didn't really understand at the time that my bad experiences were caused by a lack of knowledge on how to have gay sex. I also think that my most horrible experience with a guy also occurred because I wasn't really attracted to him (in fact, as I think back on it I think I was even repulsed by him), but I was a horny teenager and he was a willing partner. These negative experiences with guys served to confuse me and helped me to believe that my homosexual experiences were just experimentation, that I wasn't really gay, and so it helped me to stay in denial. Any time that I thought about guys over the years since, I would think about my negative sexual experiences and remind myself that I wasn't really gay, just confused sometimes. Sometimes, especially during the sex. Unfortunately, it was always overshadowed by the shame. How can a sexual experience be any good when it feels shameful afterward? It taints the memory of it and twists many of the good parts. I wasn't questioning myself at the time, so I never thought about having sex as some sort of test of my sexuality. For me, it was simply acting upon my urges. All but one of my sexual experiences was with a guy that I was friends with, and each one I didn't know was gay until after becoming friends.
Thanks for replying. Having read stories all over the web about people who engage/ed in same-sex-sex the resulting shame is something that flows through almost all of them. Sometimes even after they come-out. Also the fear that others will find out "what they have done" tends to be over-whelming. Especially for men who have sex with other men. Yet, if the tables were turned and these same men were having sex with woman, it would be something to celebrate and brag about. A "notch of the bed post"... yet almost everything about "gay" sex, is stigmatized. Quite sad really when sex SHOULD be enjoyed and is known to be quite healthy. The bit you mention about it being experimentation and it keeping you in the denial is quite common too. I can't tell you how many times I've read about men who regularly seek out sex with other men but insist it's just sex, just fun, not gay, or that they have no attraction to men whatsoever. I'm definitely not saying that everyone that has a sexual encounter with a person of the same sex is gay, there are many points of the spectrum, but I think repeated same-sex experiences warrant acknowledgment.
I had sexual encounters of various degrees since I was 7, and I didn't come out as an adult until I was 22. When I was having sex of the "playing doctor" variety, I definitely felt guilt and shame about it, but this was never overwhelming and certainly not equal to my curiosity. It clarified my orientation in my mind so that in my teens there was no real ambiguity. I consider myself fortunate in that I've always known I'm gay and there's no turmoil over having to figure that out. My first encounter as a sexually developed boy was when I was 12, and it also only confirmed what I already knew. This experience added a lot of nuance because I was with an older boy slightly more developed, and this encounter involved ejaculation. I also began to know what emotions are like in the context of a full post-puberty experience. So in summary my pre-coming out sexual experiences were exploratory, and they confirmed what I wanted to know or already thought I knew - but at the cost of some shame and guilt. The experiences themselves were very erotic, very visceral, and are still wonderful in retrospect. Today as an out gay man, my relationship with sex is very affirmative. I'm not ashamed of it, I celebrate it, and I really enjoy pleasing another man with what I know intuitively. It's something I really cherish in my life. However at times I'm mystified by how gay relationships work, but that's a slightly different topic. My only advice would be to experiment (safely) and try things out. Listen to what your body is telling you and see what resonates at a deeper level. I think good sex and relationships engage the body, mind, and spirit. I think you'll have found the answers when you get input from all three. Hope that helps, Patrick Seattle, WA
It caused me a lot of turmoil and pain because I was in a long term relationship with a wonderful girl. But, it also did help me to come out and understand my feelings as something real.
Thanks Patrick. This is totally true for me as well. My struggle was always about hiding and shame, as well as "accepting" my sexuality. Deep down, though, I've always known that I'm gay. It must be even more incredibly difficult for those who have trouble identifying their sexuality.
