Hi Guys, So reading through the EC forum has helped me a lot in the past but I thought it was about time I started posting. Summary to date: I’ve always known I'm probably gay, but growing up I had a big problem with it (pretty much still do!). As a result, I spent years forcing myself so far into the closet that I thought it would be impossible to ever come out of it. Which brings me to the present where I am trying my hardest to fix all that. Three weeks ago I came out to my mother, something that only a couple of months ago I said would never happen. Obviously she wasn’t happy about it, but said all the right things and told me she loved me anyway. At the time, even though the words came out all jumbled and awkward, I felt empowered, that I could tell anyone. I told her that I planned to tell the rest of my family in the next couple of days. But that strength was short lived. The next morning everything felt hugely awkward, I found it hard to even speak to her. I eventually told my sister a week later, but only because I knew my mum was struggling with it and needed someone to talk to. My sister was supposed to be the least difficult person to tell (as I knew she would be ok with it), and yet it was even harder to tell her than my mum. I was dreading it for days and spent hours pacing a room before I forced myself to go and tell her. Fast forward to today where I know I need to tell the rest of my family but it seems even harder now. I thought coming out to a few people would get rid of some of the shame and help me to accept my sexuality. But it’s just made me feel awkward around my family, like they know something bad about me. I keep thinking what if I was wrong to tell them, and what if I’m not gay, but just confused (which I doubt is true!). I know I need to come out, so that I can try and accept this and get on with my life. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I thought coming out would have made things easier and helped me to accept who I am. Instead, it seems to have made me want to go back into the closet. If anyone has any thoughts, they would be much appreciated.
Family is always that awkard step in my opinion. It does get better with them, but it does take time. Just be patient. How about your friends have you told any of them yet?
Hey Questions93, Coming Out, in general, does get easier, but there is a specific group of people that are (so it seems) always very hard to Come Out to – best friends and parents. That’s mainly because we are so close to them and love them and the consequences of their possible rejection are just so potentially devastating to us emotionally. As far as your mom goes, that was a great initial response. Congratulations! That was a very brave thing to do. But, just as you have had to come to terms with your sexuality, she also has to have time to come to terms with what it means to have a gay son. So give her the time and space she needs. It sounds like she’ll come around and things will be just fine again – possibly even better than before because your secret won’t be keeping the two of you at a distance anymore. I always believed that it is most important that you understand and accept your own sexuality before Coming Out to others. It sounds like you understand, but haven’t fully accepted yet. (For myself, I came to fully understand my sexuality at age 23, but it wasn't until I was 25 that I fully accepted it and became comfortable with it.) You said that you felt like telling your parents might mean that they know something ‘bad’ about you. But you know very well that you are normal, not bad, not weird, not perverse in any way. You may still be in the grieving process – the loss of your ‘normality’, the fear that you are disappointing your family by being gay, and the unknowns of living a life as a homosexual man. So about the grieving process. There are 5 steps to the grieving process. First comes Denial: in this case, “no, I’m not gay.” Next comes Anger: “I hate this and I hate myself! Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ like most other people? Why ME!?!” Then comes Bargaining: “So, maybe I’m gay, but then again maybe I’m bisexual or really just straight. But, no I’m certain I’m gay. Or am I…?” After that comes Depression: “I want to be ‘normal.’ I wish I was heterosexual. This sucks and I don’t think I could ever really live life as a homosexual. It’s so hard to face my parents. I don’t even want to face society. I’m just going to hide somewhere until it goes away. Why did I have to be the victim of this cruel joke?” Until, finally, there is Acceptance: “Hmm… Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I can accept my homosexuality, my same-sex attractions. And you, know what? My sexuality is just a part of who I am, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am going to be the person I was born to be and I will do amazing things with my life!” The steps don’t always occur for any given person in that order and people sometimes go back and forth among the steps. This is a journey that each of us has to undertake on their own, but know that there are people here at EC who love you and will support you as you go through this. And, cliché as it sounds, it does get better! I hope some of this helps. Take Care. Stay strong and proud!
Quantum said it perfectly. I agree with his post 100%. To OP: I did find that it got easier to do with each person I came out to. However, as Quantum suggests, I had reached complete acceptance of my homosexuality prior to coming out. Perhaps that's an area you should address next.
Thanks so much for taking time to reply. It really is great being able to talk to other people about this stuff! Linkmaste994 : No, I haven't been able to tell any of my friends. Most of my friendship groups are full of very heterosexual/Masculine/sporty type lads, where being gay is often the punchline of the jokes. I've also had a bit of a bad experience confiding in a friend, where something personal was revealed to many of my other friends as a joke. (It wasn't malicious or anything - they just aren't aware of this hidden side of my life and that by telling people it was going to have such a negative affect me). So I'm sort of nervous to come out to friends now. Quantumreality : I had wished that I accepted being gay more before I came out to them, but I've been so terrified of anyone finding out, that I haven't allowed myself to actually explore any of it (if that makes sense). I hope by actually getting it out there, I won't be constantly looking over my shoulder if I ever work up the courage to go to a gay bar or something. But you're right. The truth is I still have big problems with it, but I'm not sure why. I have no issues with anyone that is gay. I know there's nothing wrong with it. I do actually have a couple of friends/acquaintances in college that are lgbt. But for some reason, when it comes to me being the one that's gay, I have issues with it, and I do feel ashamed of things. (I'm actually even more ashamed at the fact that I have a problem with it!). Obviously I haven't told this to my family. I don't want them to know how difficult things have been and that I've been in a some pretty dark places over the last year especially. When I did tell my mum, I said it was tough for a while but I'm ok with it now and I'm happy with it. Imgay47 : I'm moving overseas for the foreseeable future soon, which is one of the reasons I am trying to come out to my family quickly. I feel like I need to say it to them in person instead of over the phone from the other side of the world in a few months time (probably because I want them to think that I'm ok with it all). Buy you and Quantumreality are probably right. It might be easier to tell them if I actually have accepted it myself. Not really sure what to do now. Thanks again guys for posting.
I understand. Once bitten, twice shy. Once you accept yourself, maybe you can get the courage to come out to one or some of them – whomever you evaluate as the most likely to be accepting – if you so choose. Personally, all of my close friends are or were in the US military during a time when homophobia was rampant. I chose my friends because they were not overtly homophobic, but even some of them would play along with the ‘standard’ homophobic jokes – just not really in a mean manner. All of the ones that I have come out to so far have been completely accepting. I guess what I’m saying is that an individual’s homophobic behavior in a group does not necessarily predict their behavior towards you one-on-one as an individual. And, frankly, if the minor fact of your sexual orientation makes such a huge difference to them, they aren’t worth keeping in your social circle in the first place. Your acceptance will come in its own time. Worst case, you find a therapist to help you work through your issues. But there is not a predetermined deadline for you to fully accept your homosexuality. And, believe it or not, being ashamed of being ashamed of being gay is actually quite common. You will overcome that, too! Your uneasiness around other LGBT friends/acquaintances is a direct reflection of your lack of acceptance. The first time I hung out with one of my LGBT friend and his buddies after I had come to fully accept my sexuality, I was nervous and overly sensitive to everything, but then I slowly relaxed and finally, it was the most comfortable thing in the world to just be able to be myself among my ‘own people.’ Best of luck! Take Care.
Quantumreality, I completely agree. I know deep down that most of my closest friends would probably be ok with it. And that they don't really mean what they say when they make homophobic comments. But again it just returns to me not wanting to make my relationships with them awkward. I know that I'm imagining all this in my head and I need to realise that I'm the one that has a problem with it, not them. Thank you for your support. I know I'm going in the right direction anyway. I'm in a very different place from where I was 2, 3, 12 months ago, back when accepting my sexuality wasn't even an option for me. I'm hoping that when I move away I will find the courage to meet some more lgbt people and like you said start to become more comfortable in that setting, because right now it feels so foreign to me. Thanks again
Questions93, I would second what Quantumreality has already offered - right on! I also think you may want to put this in perspective and do what you need to care for yourself. Be really, really good to yourself right now, be kind to yourself, and do not criticize your perceived self in light of some idealized "should be" version of yourself. You've just gathered the courage to take an incredibly important step in your life, so take credit for that and appreciate how strong you really are. You may also need to accept that this process will take time. Your initial experiences coming out to family are absolutely critical, but this is also just the beginning. This coming out journey will unfold over time and you've just taken the first step. It sounds like your family is already being really awesome, and I think that in time they're going to be a foundation of support for you as you continue coming out. I also think your outward journey will reflect an inner journey as well. The conflict you feel indicates to me that you are undergoing an evaluation and adjustment process. You're letting go of old assumptions about yourself and allowing yourself to consider new parts of your gay identity that may be really unfamiliar for now. You may want to find the writings of Joe Kort, a licensed mental health therapist who's gay. His stuff deals really well with finding authenticity as a gay man through coming out. Good luck, and please think of us as a resource on your journey! Patrick Seattle, WA
Does coming out get easier? The answer is quite simply NO! you just learn to accept who you are and demand that others accept you for who you are. As someone that was so far back in the closet, it would make Narnia look like a pride parade, I know that coming out to those that matter to you is one of the scariest things in the world. Every time you get a knock back it makes the world a more hostile place. Your siblings are different people and are of a different generation to your parents. I know it's scary it is coming out to your siblings, when I came out to mine I was terrified. The reaction from the person that I thought would be the most homophobic was "OK.... so any other news?". .... and these are people of your parents generation. As I come out to more and more people, both friends, family and acquaintances, I realize the important thing is giving me the freedom to be myself and not hide the real me. If someone rejects you for your sexuality, that's there problem! After I came out to my family (in my mid 50's) I have been more relaxed, more honest and true to myself. We can make jokes about my sexuality and then go back to talking about cars, race times or football results. (Being Irish, we can be offensive in a loving way) All I can say about the reaction of people you come out to, family or friends, is: if they don't accept you, they don't deserve to be your friends (even if you were straight). Telling people you care about something deeply personal will always be difficult but being honest with the people you care about is, for me, important. I wish you the best of luck. (*hug*)
Thanks for the advice lads, it really does helps a lot! Patrick7269 I think you might be right about being happy with myself right now. I have been trying to plan coming out to my whole family as perfectly as I can and putting it on a deadline due to me moving away. But the truth is although this is probably the best time to do it, I've realised that I'm still not really that comfortable coming out yet, that and the fact that I'm going through a bit of a stressful rough patch at the minute. I should just be happy with what I have done so far and not put more pressure on myself. (I'm liable to change my mind though because I cant decide if I should tell my brother before I go or not). Unfamiliar is an understatement! I haven't a clue what I'm doing with all this. After all these years of trying to deny it, now that I'm actually considering being gay as a possibility, I haven't a clue what to do now. Or what the next step is. (But I'm picking up lots of good advice on here ) YermanTom, I know how brutal Irish slagging can be all too well. But the worst of it is if that stopped. The stupid gay jokes don't bother me, but if my friends are nervous about saying a joke around me and things get awkward between us, I'd hate that the most. I know my true friends will accept me for who I am. It's just I've spent my whole life pretending to be someone else so that I fitted in, now it's pretty hard to turn around and say "you know what, I'm actually a completely different person". Thanks again for all the advice everyone
