Married Gay Man

Well first off, it's very good that you have no kids. That will make anything you do a lot easier regardless.

Secondly... I'm not saying you have to tell her, but.. from what you've said, I'm assuming you want a relationship with a man. Perhaps, since you've said you're afraid of losing her and her hating you, there's a way you could go about this and stay on good terms with her?
Or perhaps, if she's open to the idea, see other men but stay married? It's not really an orthodox thing to do, but it's a thought.

 

Hi wvbear,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. First, I want to let you know that you are not alone. This is your first post, but maybe you've been reading some posts for a while. Good job in telling your story! It's hard to face the truth, seeing the words on the screen, even if it's anonymous. That's actually one of the best parts of the EC community, and my favorite, in that because we're all sharing anonymously, there's a freedom to just let it all out, saying whatever comes to your mind, and being truthful here because it's often one of the only places where you can.

I share many similarities to you. My wife and I passed our 20th Anniversary just a week ago. Of course, it wasn't a "Happy Anniversary" because I came out to her as gay just three months ago. One month ago I came out to my 2 kids and the rest of my family, friends, and my closest coworkers. I tell you all this because I want you to know that coming out can happen. Not one of all of those people that I came out to rejected me, including my wife and children. Even as I write this message to you, my wife and I are sitting on the couch, watching some TV, and she's fully aware that I'm answering you on a Coming Out forum.

I don't know if you will get the same awesome reception that I received. There's no way for me to know that. I also didn't know that I was going to be lucky. I sure didn't expect it. I expected to be kicked out of my house by an angry and bitter wife. I expected that my kids would tell me they hate me for ruining their lives. I expected my mom to tell me that I'm the biggest disappointment to her. I expected my friends to drift away.

None of that happened, thankfully.

My experience isn't a sure thing, but neither is it uncommon either. Today's society has become so much more accepting that when you and I were just sprouting hairs on our balls.

From your post, it sounds like you really want to come out. I totally get that. By the time I came out, it had become an imperative to me. I simply could no longer live in hiding. I had already accepted myself 2 years prior to coming out, and I was just ready to do it, despite my gigantic fears of rejection.

Your post tells us many things about you, but there are some other things to consider:

1. If you came out, what would you want to be the outcome of your coming out? Would you want to divorce? Or stay married and continue to suppress your gay desires? Or stay married and have an open marriage that allows you to see men on the side?

This doesn't mean you necessarily get to have the outcome of your choice, but it does help to clarify what you want out of this.

2. If you want to separate, or if your wife wants to separate, are both of you able to live separate lives financially?

3. If you decide to come out, you should do it for you, not for your gay crush. This is all going to take time. Your crush might not be there when you're ready, or you might not end up being compatible with him, or potentially many other reasons it doesn't work out with this guy. You could end up regretting leaving your wife if you make him the reason you come out of the closet. So, I think you should consider that if you do this, you are doing it for you.

I married my best friend, too. It's one of the reasons our marriage has been so easy all these years, because we get along so well. Best friends tend to do that. Unfortunately, compatibility alone isn't enough. It lacks the passion I need. It just took me a long time to figure that out.

Be gentle on yourself and on your wife. This will get a lot rougher before it's over. And continue to post here on EC. That's what we're here for.

Take care.

ps. People here know that I tend to write long posts. I hope there's something here that helps you.

 

Hi wvbear,

I know about this feeling you have right now. I almost told my wife over and over again for multiple days before I just couldn't remain silent anymore.

One of the things I realized after about the second month after coming out was that I was emerging from depression. It's been three months since I first came out, and it now feels like I'm a new person in several ways. I have a renewed self confidence, and a renewed interest in things I haven't cared about in a long time. I realized that I had withdrawn from so many things I used to care about, and it's because I was depressed.

I didn't become depressed over coming out. I became depressed years ago over being gay and in the closet, over my longing for sexual intimacy with a man, over feeling like I was trapped and stuck in this life forever. I truly believed just over three months ago that I would never come out, that I would take my secret to the grave.

If you look back over the last few years, do you find that you've withdrawn from things that you used to care about? It's a classic sign of depression.

You can give yourself permission to not think about it for a few days and give yourself more time. I used that extra time to come to some final resolutions about how I felt and what I needed in life: I'm 47 years old. I have a life expectancy of mid-to-late 70s based upon my family history. So, I have perhaps 30 years left in life. I have spent the last 30 years repressing my homosexuality, denying myself the sexual life I needed, and denying myself a real passionate relationship with a man.

Everyone is different, but for me, I had reached a point years ago that made me unable to perform sexually with my wife. It just didn't work anymore. My only sexual outlet for years has been masturbation. Am I really prepared to have no sex for the rest of my life? The simple answer was no. No matter the consequences.

 

Hi WVbear,

First, waiting until after your therapy session is a good idea. I tried, but I was only able to manage getting an appointment with a therapist, but I completely broke down that night and came out to her. I wasn't able to hang on. I hope you are able to. I know all about the anxiety you must be feeling, the need to take deep breaths just to ease it for a moment. It will pass.

Do you find yourself just consumed by thinking about all of this? Like all the time? I retreated to the garage, it's been my area of the house anyway, and spent time just thinking about, and rehearsing what I would say. The more I did that in the week leading up to coming out to my wife, the more anxious I got, so maybe I would suggest trying to not think about it all the time. Easier said than done probably.

I'm also sorry to read about your cancer. Like you, I had reached a stage of life years ago where, through a traumatic event (my dad dying from cancer), I started a process of evaluating my life's choices. This led to me coming out to myself.

I also "celebrated" my 20th Anniversary with my wife just a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I came out to my wife in June, so it wasn't immediately upon us. We didn't really celebrate it, but I took her to lunch. Something simple.

Let us know how you're doing, ok?

Take care.

 

WVbear,

I don't know how your wife will receive the news, but I wanted to share my experience from the other side. I've been in a serious relationship with the man I thought I would marry, and he recently came out to me that he's gay, but unwilling to tell his son. It will be another 4-5 years before his son is old enough to move out. Prior to meeting me, his original plan was to relocate and reinvent himself.

I was very hurt by the situation, because I had invested myself fully in this man. I am a bisexual woman. He had told me that he was straight, but occasionally experimented with men. Prior to his coming out, he was so depressed that he was suicidal. I confronted him because I knew something was going on, and he broke down and confessed the truth to me. The situation caused me a lot of pain, but I was not hurt because he came out to me.

I am glad he told me, because the idea of him bearing that burden all alone breaks my heart. I had brief moments of anger at him, for entering into a relationship w/me knowing he's gay, but I realize the shame he feels is not his fault. It is the fault of a society that does not accept openly gay men.

Our situation is further complicated by the fact that he is homoromantic, but bisexual. He and I both want to stay together, as he cannot see coming out to his son until his son is much older. I do not know what to do. I want to stay with him, and he says he wants to stay with me, but I also do not want to hold him back from finding the relationship he dreams of.

Unfortunately now, I am not sure how to proceed. Do we stay together? Do we break up? We're best friends, and the idea of giving each other up is more painful than I can say. Imgay47 has a lot of great advice, and I hope things go well for you WVbear. Be brave, the life you want is there. And if she's your best friend, she probably wouldn't want you to suffer alone.

 

Hey WVbear,

Wow! I know how you feel - I've been there. It will take some time for your wife to process this, and she will likely go through different emotional phases during the next couple of weeks. I know that was hard to do, probably the hardest thing you've ever done. It was for me.

How do you feel about it? Now that your secret is out, how does that feel? It's ok if it doesn't feel good to you. You're going through a very emotional period as well, so it's normal to have mixed feelings about it.

Keep posting though! It helps to talk about it.

 

Hi Wvbear
Let us know how things are going. And for now just be there for your wife because I'm sure this must be so so hard for your wife although I know it's been so tough for you too. I'm married and bi and in the closet so I've some idea what you've been through to get to this point. You've been very brave and took a lot of strength to do what you did.

 

I'm sorry to read this post. I've been rooting for you through this.

You say "as long as my wife is happy," and I totally understand where that comes from - mostly guilt. Don't you deserve happiness too?

You may also find that she won't really be happy even with you trying to stay closeted and pretending like that didn't happen. Because it did. You came out to her, and she knows it now. The genie can't go back into the bottle. You are making a big sacrifice for her happiness, which is understandable, but will she actually be happy? If not, then your sacrifice will be for nothing.

I'm not suggesting that you have to leave your marriage. However, you are making decisions that potentially affect the rest of your life, and you've only been out to your wife for such a short period of time. I've now been out to my wife for 4 months, and my wife is in a much more accepting place now than she was in the first few weeks. Your wife's feelings will continue to change and adjust as time goes on.

I would like to suggest to you that you put off any decisions for now and give this more time.

 

Google this film: "Making Love (1982)"
It's on youtube, you should be able to find it.

It's about a married man who is going through the same thing as you.

Long, slow paced, different from what we are used now, much deeper also.

edit: I just finished reading the whole post, damn, I'm sorry. This is one of my biggest fears now I'm questioning my sexuality (in my 20s)