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Need Advice About Parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by s5m1, Mar 24, 2009.

  1. s5m1

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    I am trying to decide what to do about my parents. I am now out to my siblings, who were all great about it, and pretty much the rest of the world (other than work, which I intend to change at my new job next month). Needless to day, it feels great to be out. I am torn, though, about coming out to my parents and would love some advice from EC.

    My parents are in their 70’s, and my dad’s health is not great. They live in another state, so I do not see them very often. My dad is extremely conservative and judgmental. My siblings all doubt that my dad will be accepting. They have stressed that I should do what I feel is right for me, and they will back me 100%. However, they all asked me to weigh the affect this may have both on my dad’s health and on my relationship with my dad. They have asked me to think about whether I would be okay with potentially losing my relationship with my dad in his last years.

    My original plan was to come out to my parents after I was out to my siblings. I was going to send a long email, with a PFLAG pamphlet, and then FedEx the book, "Now That You Know." I do not like the feeling of hiding who I am. My boyfriend and I are very serious, and I can see spending the rest of my life with him. My kids adore him. I hate the idea of keeping him hidden. For my entire life, my siblings and I have tried to live our lives in ways that our dad would approve of. I am at a point in my life where I am not sure I want to do that any more, in any way. I am a great father, a successful professional and am happy with who I am.

    After decades of struggling with being gay, I have totally accepted that there is nothing wrong with being gay. If anyone else does not like that I am gay, f#$% them. As Lex says, being gay “kicks ass.” If I do not come out to my parents, it feels like I am accepting, in some way, that there is something wrong with being gay. This is really my father’s problem, not mine. Having said that, I also do not know that I should come out to him simply to assert my independence from him.

    I am trying to weigh the benefits of coming out to my parents with the potential ramifications. Please let me know your thoughts.
     
  2. xadude

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    I'm curious since you are not mentioning your mother, how do you think she would react to it? I came out to her first and had a discussion with her about how to tell my dad (I knew my dad would be accepting, our relation is just not as strong as my relation with my mom). If you think she would still accept you try talking to her first, that might work, and if she accepts you have her be there when you tell your dad. Good luck!
     
  3. Just Adam

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    i think you ow it to yourself and them to tell them just do it slowly and gentle so not to shock them to much

    i hope it goes well
     
  4. s5m1

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    My mom is interesting. She is very much controlled by my dad’s wishes. A superficial view of her would be that she is weak and caves-in to him. However, I would say she must be strong in other ways because she has been able to endure his difficult personality for so long. I think that, at first, she will be disappointed that I am gay but that she will ultimately be okay with it. I do not think my relationship with her will be harmed.
     
  5. xadude

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    in that case try talking to her first, you don't have to come out to both your parents ont he same day. There are plenty of people who are in a situation like yours where they don't want one of their parents to know yet...
     
  6. Just Adam

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    im in that situation i would talk to your mum first then maybe the 2 of you sit down and talk to your dad together your mum can help support you and comfort your dad with the shock

    good luck
     
  7. Mickey

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    I agree that you should talk to your mom and get her opinion about your dad.
    If you then feel like he'd have that much of a problem with you being gay,then you can make your decision,based on what your mom thinks.
    I know people who have been out to one parent ,for a long time but not the other.
    Whatever you decide to do,I wish you all the best. This is from someone who has been there,done that. And congratulations on being a good dad,yourself.
     
  8. s5m1

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    I have considered telling my mom first and asking her advice. However, I think she would likely advise me not to tell my dad, out of her own fear of upsetting the apple cart. Her approach to things is always to avoid making waves with my dad. I do not think she will have any greater insight into my dad than my siblings and I have.

    My dad is a difficult man. I am trying to weigh my desire to tell him with the risk of seriously harming my relationship with him in his later years. I am also trying to figure out if I want to come out to him for the right reasons.
     
  9. Just Adam

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    what ever you decide man were here for ya :grin:
     
  10. xequar

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    You know, ordinarily, I would fully advocate coming out...

    But in this case, I think I'm going to make an exception.

    My boyfriend's parents, without going through the whole backstory, are both in their 80s now, with his dad in a nursing home. He's completely open, except he had never officially said to his mom that he's gay. But because he wants to be able to bring me to family functions, he officially came out to her about a month ago.

    It didn't go that well. She basically doesn't really even talk to him anymore, whereas before she used to call a couple times a week and they used to be pretty close. It's really paining my BF too.

    I dunno, if your parents are in poor health and at that age point, it might be better just to let it go unspoken. I dunno, I guess we'll see how well I'm accepted by his mom. The rest of the family's cool though.
     
  11. beckyg

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    Your parents sound exactly like mine! When my son came out to them, I was terrified of my Dad's reaction. Immediately he told Adam "You are my grandson and I love you." Love is a very powerful thing. You may not be giving your Dad enough credit. Is your relationship with him good otherwise? You sound prepared to do it. Maybe come out to your mom first and give her the information. Then she will be more educated when discussing it with your Dad when you come out to him.
     
  12. s5m1

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    Becky, I have a very good relationship with my dad. I do wonder whether I am underestimating him. My initial post lays out the parts of his personality that cause me concern. There is, of course, another side to him. He loves all of his kids and has been there for us over the years during some very difficult times.

    Until is spoke with my siblings this weekend, I was pretty much determined to come out to my parents in the next week or two. My conversations with them have caused me to step back a bit. I am still inclined to tell them.

    I don’t think telling my mom ahead of time would be good for her. I think she would be so worried about my dad’s reaction that it could make her ill. My mom is also a follower with respect to my dad, and I doubt she will be able to, or want to, challenge his views even if she was educated on the subject.

    My best guess is that he will react negatively at first, in the sense that he will say he still loves me, but he does not want to hear anything more about it. He is very intelligent and reads a great deal when he has questions about a subject. Over time, I think he will research homosexuality, learn it is not a choice and, perhaps, loosen up. Ultimately, I want to be in a position where I do not have to hide who I am and where my boyfriend can be with me, and my family, on holidays.
     
  13. Lexington

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    Sometimes, a different approach might be called for. Let me tell you a bit about my partner's family. Not because they situations are identical, but I think it brings up a good point.

    My partner's parents work for the military, and have done so for decades. Not surprisingly, they're fairly conservative on most issues. So how did my partner come out to them? He didn't. Well, not really. He certainly never had "the talk" with his parents. But there's a certain dynamic within his family that I'm unfamiliar with. If I were to spell it out, it'd be "There are certain things that are understood but not to be discussed." And my partner being gay is one of them. They DO know. There's no way they don't. They know we've bought a place together. I've been on vacations with them. When my grandmother died, they sent my mother a condolence card. They've shown in actions that they know, and that, in their way, they appreciate me being in their son's life. In return, I respect their (to my way of thinking, rather arbitrary) boundaries. I don't use the "G-word" in their presence, nor do I refer to my partner as "my partner". I don't do any public displays of affection in their presence, either (not that I would - neither of us are too big on those, anyway). To me, these are minor concessions, and I have no problem abiding by them in return for his acceptance. And perhaps the strangest thing is - due to the way these things work, we never sat down and discussed this. Ever. It sort of evolved naturally. That's just sort of how they operate.

    Now, I COULD have put my foot down. I could've called him "my boyfriend" and smooched him right in front of them. But I don't honestly think that would've accomplished anything at all. Yeah, it would've "pissed off the homophobes", and there's some people who would rub their hands in glee at the opportunity to do that. But it would've certainly wrecked my relationship with them, and probably my partner's relationship with them, and possibly my relationship with my partner. And for what, really? To show I'm "right"? Hey, I KNOW I'm right. I KNOW there's nothing wrong with my relationship with my partner. But I respect my partner, and I respect his parents, and if they want to do this rather strange unsquare dance in order for the relationship to sit well with them, I have no problem learning the steps.

    And yes, your relationship with your parents is presumably different. But don't feel there's only two choices - full disclosure and "being out", or not telling them and "staying in the closet". There may be another option. And if it works for you and your parents, then it's a good one. And don't let anyone suggest it isn't. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  14. s5m1

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    Thanks for sharing your experience, Lex. Your point that there are not necessarily only two options is something I have been considering today. There may be other ways of approaching this issue that I have not yet thought of.
     
  15. Lexington

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    Precisely. :slight_smile:

    Have your parents met your partner yet? Not as "my partner" but as "Fred"? Do you mention Fred in your conversations with your parents? Even casually? You might think about trying that. "We went to see (movie). I loved it, but Fred wasn't much a fan." If asked "Who's Fred?" you can say anything you'd like. "He's a good friend" or "He's my roommate" or "He's the guy I live with".

    Lex
     
  16. Jim1454

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    I'm just wondering about your kids, and their relationship with their grandparents.

    I am facing the same issue with my grandmother - who is 91. I wouldn't bother telling her that I was gay except for the fact that I want to tell my kids this summer that I'm gay, and that I have a boyfriend, and I don't want her to hear it from the kids. (I know that I have to be prepared for the whole world to know I'm gay after telling 6 and 8 year old girls...) We shouldn't ask our kids to keep secrets for us, because that definitely gives THEM mixed messages about us being gay. So for that reason, I wonder if you should tell your mom and dad if only so that your own kids can be open and honest with them too.

    That's what I'm contemplating anyway...
     
  17. s5m1

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    Jim, as obvious as your point is, I had not considered it. As you said, I would never tell my kids to keep it a secret, because that does give them the wrong message about homosexuality, not to mention honesty. Regardless of my dad’s initial reaction, I think I need to tell them because I would not want them to learn it from my kids during a visit. Talk about an awkward moment for all!
     
  18. xequar

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    I think Lex and I are mostly on the same page. Like I said, my BF and I both knew his mom knew, but it might have been better left unspoken and just kinda have me show up... I dunno.
     
  19. The Enigma

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    You've had 43 years to say something...you're almost half dead already. :slight_smile: Go for it. What do you have to lose? Really? You said it yourself, you're successful. I doubt you need their financial security and you're no doubt your own person now and flown the coup. Live life how YOU want to. They're in their 70's and closer to expiration, why not tell them? At that point in their life, I really don't think they care that much what you do with the junk in your trunk. :wink:
     
  20. EM68

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    What exactly did your brother and sister say when you told them your want to come out to your parents? Have you thought of writing a letter and giving it to them in person along with the book. This way they can read it, absorb what it says and then you can discuss it with them. I agree that you probably should tell both of your parents at the same time. It might be too much for your mom to hold onto by herself.

    From what you said it sounds like your dad will love you regardless. If that is the case go for it.
     
    #20 EM68, Mar 24, 2009
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2009