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Homophobic Parents! What should I do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Silver Snow, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. Silver Snow

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    :help:I'm not ready to come out to my parents, AT ALL. I want to change the way they view gays first.

    They cling to the stereotypes of gays, blame them for dumb and unrelated things, considering them spiritually sick and living in sin, and immediately dislike anybody who they discover is gay.

    The hardest one for me is when my mom said lesbians were mean and ugly and all acted a certain way. :bang: For any Once Upon a Time fans, the whole Ruby/Dorothy thing didn't blow over well with her because "Ruby was never gay before and now all of a sudden she is?" The idea of bisexuals or maybe even not being certain of your sexuality for awhile is apparently foreign to her.

    So, if I tried to tell my parents I wasn't attracted to men, I don't think they'd believe me, because I don't "act gay." And I certainly didn't know I wasn't straight all my life.

    When I was very young, I pretended to have crushes on random boys just so I could be like my older sister, "Kara". I really wasn't interested in any of them, but I always put on a good show for some reactions.:eusa_clap(!)

    During my tween years, my dad accused me of flirting with Kara's boyfriend. I wasn't, obviously, but I was unable to convince him otherwise.:dry:

    As a teenager, from time to time, I'ld pick an actor to claim I had a crush on. I honestly don't know why. I guess I was just trying to fit in again.:eusa_liar

    At around 16, my mom pointed out how I never "admit" when I think a guy is cute. Afterward, I made a big deal out of pointing out all the attractive men I saw, whenever I could remember to, anyway. Again, I really don't know why I did that.

    Now, I'm afraid if I try to tell my parents I don't like guys at all, they won't believe me. Once I realized I was gay, I decided to stop pretending I liked men so I wouldn't make it worse, but I think it's already too late. I didn't realize I wasn't straight until not all that long ago.

    They're very homophobic, and sadly, ignorant about the LGBTQ community, mostly due to religious beliefs. If I came out to them, they'd think I was either possessed by demons:eusa_doh:, lying, or confused because of the media.

    Any idea on how I can get them to see gays differently without tipping them off? I kinda feel like it's hopeless.:tears:
     
  2. JonSomebody

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    I think you need to not try to convince them or make an attempt to have them change their views because its not that easy or more than likely it will cause more problems than what you think. I have read several other posts on this forum in regard to this very topic and far as I am concerned if you underage such as yourself...then you need to avoid this conversation at all costs until you are out of school and have a job where you can afford to take care of yourself without their support. Many homophobic parents will abandoned their children altogether once they come out to them because they do not understand or comprehend with gay people and furthermore...I tend to believe that homophobic values are stemmed from the family environment that they were raised in and it those values get passed on from generation to generation. As you get older...you will come to terms of not fighting them or going against them for their beliefs especially once you get out in the world on your own and start making your own way in society. So..if you care to hear my opinion ...I think you should just keep quiet and let them think whatever because you still live with them and you still in need of their support. If this is the case...then I have to agree with you in terms of saying that this is a hopeless case right now.
     
  3. BenFreeman

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    Why the urgency? I am not sure I would tell such parents at all. Why put yourself through that?

    blessings
     
  4. HuskyLover

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    My parents are like that too, but they're way more brutal I'd say. I'm extremely uncomfortable with my sexuality when I'm around them, and I have absolutely no idea if I ever should tell them that I'm gay either. In my case though, I don't love my parents at all (not because of the homophobia, but other causes) so I'd have no problem with starting fresh somewhere else without them in my life.

    I made a thread about the odds of a anti-lgbt parent loving their gay children, and the responses I got is that it's not entirely impossible. Even in some cases, especially when family is involved, love wins over homophobia.

    If they are as ignorant as mine are, they certainly won't listen to anything you say about the lgbt community. You could try to mention some honorable things lgbt people have done, or maybe if one of their favourite celebs are gay but they don't know about it etc etc. But honestly, I think that coming out would be one of the only ways to make them change their minds. There are a lot of factors to think of before coming out though, just as a friendly reminder.

    I hope this was to some help. Take care :slight_smile:
     
  5. KSatt

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    I agree that it might be a good idea to wait until you're not dependent upon them before you come out to them. I can identify with having family who opposes homosexuality on a religious basis. I recently read a book that I think could be a really good resource for you. It's called "God and the Gay Christian" by Matthew Vines. It looks at the Bible verses that supposedly "oppose" homosexuality, but it views within the context of both the time of that day and the language of the scripture. It also looks at the totality of the message of scripture. It's a really well researched book.
     
  6. BiGuy78

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    I'm in the same boat. My family is the exact same way. So i finally just decided to not ever tell them. To be honest, it's really none of their business anyway. My boyfriend is openly gay so his folks and friends know about us but my family doesn't. And not all of my friends know either. Only a few close friends whom are gay know. I'm having to stay at my mom's right now so even if I were to come out, it wouldn't be the best time to do so. My boyfriend wants to get married someday but I don't know if I will follow through on that. I have been married before (to two different women) and I swore I would never get married again. But you never know I may have a change of heart someday. And if we did get married then I may eventually have to tell my family. But i wouldn't advise coming out to homophobic parents and family while you're still living with them. It would only make things worse. If my mom knew she would more than likely kick me out and then I would be homeless. So just lay low for now and make the best of life and if you happen to start dating a guy then just make sure y'all have an understanding about things and keep your relationship on the down low until you're in a better position to come out. But remember, you really aren't obligated to come out to them. It's really none of their business what you do in your personal life. So unless you get married to a guy then just let it be. Best of luck to ya!