Hello everyone, I'm new here! So, It was noon and I was in the kitchen making myself lunch, my mom and my little sister (12-year-old) were sitting behind me at the dining table, my mom asked how's life going on, and you know.. the usual stuff... It has been a few months since I have changed my name (the name I chose (Oscar) is quite unusual and unique to where I live) she is still not able to get used to my new name so she asked how do people usually react to my name at work, So I told her it's all fine, because it is. But now comes the part when she asks me (in front of my little sister) Maybe you decided to change your name because you want to become a woman? Maybe it means that you're gay? (she probably doesn't understand the difference between gay and transgender) And I was like Huh? What?! No... Why would you think so? (and to be honest the answer is certainly no, I did not change my name because I'm gay) And then she said: you know.. nowadays there are some men who like other men and that's ok if you are gay, I have no other choice but to accept you, you're still my son. And I was like No, I'm not gay mom, what are all of these weird questions? She said: maybe this is the reason you decided to change your name, I don't know... and a few seconds later went upstairs. It isn't the first time she's suspecting me for being gay, I think she has been suspecting me for a while since I was young but did not say a single thing about that. I was quite surprised to hear that from her because she's usually very ignorant and closed minded about so many things and I aways remember her saying that gays are disgusting and filthy people (even though her favorite artist of all times was and is Elton John, the irony..). My mom works as a kindergartener and last year she had a girl with two lesbians moms, I think it made her change her view about the topic. To summarize everything, I'm just 19 and I think that I'm definitely NOT ready to come out yet but I don't want my parents to suspect me. It's not like I'm acting "femininely" or something. I was caught watching gay porn once when I was young but other than that I don't know what makes her think that way.
A lot of moms just know. It's not unusual, and you shouldn't downplay the importance in her mind of the gay porn. Watching gay porn isn't proof of being gay, but, to be fair, it is an indicator and would make me suspect. I'd like to suggest that your mom's statement of acceptance is very affirming. You now know that when/if you decide to come out to her she will likely accept you and still love you. This conversation may have scared you a little, but it sounds like a WIN to me.
Hi OscarX (like the name btw), Like Imgay47 said, its a good thing that she said she'd accept your sexuality - definitely a good thing. So if/when you decide to come out you know what her reaction would be. I'm not clear on what you main concern is - is it that you worry you might be giving of gay vibes or that your mum brought it up and you are worried she will do it again? Are you concerned she will confront you about being gay? Or is it some combination of the three? If you are happy to clarify what your concern(s) is (are) then we might be able to provide some specific advice.
My actual name is Oscar but it wasn't available so I added the "X" Lol. Everything concerns me, I don't want my life to change, I'm not ready yet. I don't want this day to happen like EVER! I tried not to show it but I was terrified inside. I'm concerned because she may just come out of the blue and confront me about it again, I don't know what she's thinking right now, maybe it made her even more suspicious?
Hiya, Lol. Sorry, I meant the name Oscar - sorry for the confusion, I should have been clearer. Ok, so you absolutely shouldn't have to come out before you are ready. Is your mum likely to bring it up again? If she isn't would you be happy just to not mention it again? If she is then you'll need a way of saying that it isn't any of her business unless you bring it up - but to do this in a way that doesn't confirm anything. Would be prepared to turn it back on her (if she brings it up again) and ask why she's mentioning being gay? Seeing as she mentioned your name, do you think it likely that that has caused her to wonder? Maybe she is trying to understand what motivated your name? If so then if she mentions being gay again then you could say 'is this because of my name' and perhaps to talk to her about that? Would be prepared to do that? Try not to worry if you response(s) will make her more suspicious - it'll just make you worry about everything you do and you could end up paranoid about how you behave in front of her. This is not something that would help. Unless you do anything that is overtly a stereotypical 'behaviour' then it is unlikely you will be able to figure out (unless its the name) whats caused her to think this without talking to her. Have you got any other ideas about what might have made her bring it up or does the name strike you as a likely reason? As a side issue, does that fact she said she would accept you being gay not reassure you at all? Or is just that you aren't ready to talk to her about it? It's also possible that she may think she is being helpful by bringing it up because she doesn't realise that coming out should only be up to the person coming out, no one else. Is there anyway you could discuss LGBTQ+ issues and work that into the conversation? I know this isn't full of advice but it's important finding out what you might be prepared to do if she does bring it up again or how you might preempt her discussing it again. Try not to stress about things too much - keeping calm will help you deal with things. If you have any hobbies or distractions to get some head space make the most of them. Hope you're doing ok.
Like Imgay47 had mentioned...a lot of mothers just suspect and know. I can totally relate because it was my mom who confronted me about my sexuality as well. Unfortunately, she had some assistance from the guy I was living with at the time because although I did not come around family a lot but when I did ...he would make a point to call throughout my visit many times until I returned back home. As a matter of fact, when she confronted me..this was mentioned by her. Now...I'm going to suggest or tell you how to go about handling this because in so many situations such as this...it has a lot to depends a lot about how the conversation was presented and the tone of it as well which has a lot to do with whether to be honest or avoid it altogether. Best wishes to you...JS
Hello Oscar I hate to tell you mom's know my always new about me and she was accepting and it sounds like you mom is as well you should probably just tell he but it's up to you
Yeah, I don't think you have to out yourself if you don't want to. Your mom has probably been working in the background trying to figure you out. She says that if you are gay then she would have no choice but to accept you, but she does have a choice. If she didn't you wouldn't hear about so many parents who hate their gay kids. The fact that she asked and you said no and she immediately left means she probably wouldn't have been ready to hear the truth. What is your relationship wither mom like outside of being asked about being gay? Is it great? Terrible? Do you just exist in the same house but don't really have a relationship?
Oscar, you can come out on your own schedule, whenever you feel like you want to. I suppose that, when you do, your mom "probably" will figure out a way to love you just as much, especially since she's an Elton John fan.:lol: She was being kind of tactless for asking you in front of your sister. Do you think your response might have been softer if she had asked you in private? Moms aren't too clueless. Like or not, she knows you pretty well. Is it possible that this gay thing is the biggest "open secret" between the two of you? Anyway, I agree with the others who suggest it's up to you to come out whenever you feel it's right to do it.
Ok, so I didnt notice anyone ask, was there a reason for the name change? Do you go by different pronouns as well or did you just want a new name? I still dont see why the name changes implies homosexuality, but I am still very curious about the name change... I thought it was messed up to say it in front of your sister, but I also dont know how your family behaves normally... I think your mom may just not be that great at being on her side of the conversation, and was trying her best... When your ready I think she will be too... Hopefully you figure out what you want to do, and it works
Thank you for your response, I'd say that our relationship isn't too personal, I never really talk to her about personal things neither with my father, it's always the usual things like "how was your day". We usually fight a lot, we don't really get along. She has been suspecting since I was really young, there were a few hints here and there. When I was 4, both of her parents died, she was only 30, which is something that left her traumatized for life, since then she isn't mentally the same, she is usually an angry person and rarely even throws tantrums about stupid things (it happens very rarely), and when she does throw a tantrum she swears at me and often calls me "gay" as an insult (among other unkind words which moms are not supposed to call their children), it's not like she means it, she has a problem because when she has a tantrum she isn't being herself and even forgets about it the next day. She's 99% of the time a normal person. But now I understand what motivated her to call me "gay", it's something which was always in the back of her mind. ---------- Post added 2nd Oct 2016 at 04:28 AM ---------- Thank you for your reply, I prefer not mention my old name but I can tell you the reason behind why I decided to change it if you're curious. Since I was born I did not feel like the name I had (it was a native name to my country) matched my personality, I didn't feel like my old name defined me as a person, I aslo didn't like the "religious or cultural meaning behind it" something that I've never felt belonged to. So with a 100% objection from my family I still decided to change my name, I did it. I have absolutely no regrets, I can feel myself now.
I'm sorry you've had such a rough relationship with her. She might never be wiling to accept you as gay. Many people never change their minds.
Hi Oscar, Thanks for answering ABeuatifulMind's question regarding your name change. I wasn't suggesting that the name change meant you are gay, I was wondering if it may have made you mum think that there were other issues related to it. From what you say, it sounds like you have explained to them why so perhaps it is just a general thing your mum suspects. I'm sorry about your mum losing both her parents at 30 but that really doesn't excuse the tantrums (although you say they are rare which is at least a good thing). You don't sound like you are worried that that will happen if you come out, is that right? I still think the most immediate question is how likely do you think it is that she will confront you? Is she likely to leave it be for now or not? If she does bring it up again could you say something like 'If had something like that to tell you, I'd decide when to tell you'. Could you make sound like a hypothetical so that you don't commit to anything but could let her know how it should play out?
Overall my mom loves me, she always did and always will, she just sometimes has some personal problems which are affecting her mood, that's it, it isn't that big of a deal. I don't come from a bad family with bad parenting or something. I don't believe she would get angry if I would have come out to her, maybe very sad and disappointed. It just disappoints me that she used to call me "gay" as an insult while having a tantrum, because often while having a tantrum the subconsciousness of a person is taking control over the conscious mind. I don't know if it was due to the fact she was suspecting me or just because the word "gay" considers a kind of a "bad word" in my language, kinda like the word "faggot" in English, she even used to call my father "gay" a few times so the motive behind it is unclear. It is not likely for her to bring it up again, but if she will I think I'll be more prepared.
I wouldn't read too much into what she says when angry - I think we all can revert to the words we grew up with that are 'bad' words. It sounds like where you are it is used as an insult so that is probably why she uses it. Even if she did mean it, she has since said she would accept you being gay (and like you mentioned about the lesbian parents) suggests that she has changed or thought about it more and come to a more accepting mindset. Most importantly, you sound like you are feeling better and are more prepared if she brings it up again - which is great. I hope that that is the case. If she isn't likely to bring up again then you can relax for now and just keep a response in your back pocket if she does bring it up. But, you know your mum better than us, if she isn't likely to mention it then the ball is back in your court (where it should be).
Thank you and everyone for the comments, it really helped! So glad I stumbled upon this site :icon_wink
