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Advice on being brave enough to come out please?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Halfwayout, Oct 2, 2016.

  1. Halfwayout

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    Im a classic 'thought i was straight until i wasn't.' I fell in love a girl about two years ago, and was with her for nearly a year. she was amazing in a lot of ways and it was her who made me hyper aware of the fact that i was not straight. It took me a while to tell people, just cause it was so new to me, and then I guess I was scared of how people would react. When I told my friends, they were amazing. At Uni, I could be super open. Now most people I know know, but not my parents or my extended family.

    I'm back home from uni now, and I have not yet told my parents. When I first realised I was gay/bi/whatever label i am, I was never going to tell my parents at that time. My sister is a lesbian and was engaged to be married to her fiancee, and although my parents were great with them and their relationship by that point, it had taken them a while to get there, so I wasn't going to do anything that would risk reverting their views. When my sister came out to them, my mum ran upstairs crying and my dad went on and on about how it was unnatural and she was taking the easy way out. Although they were shit at that time, my parents have been amazing in how far they have come, and at my sister's wedding, I've never seen them look more proud.

    However, even though they're okay with the gay now with my sister, I'm still terrified to tell them. My mum has said things like 'if you are with someone, please let it be a boy' and when I told them i was playing football again, she said she was concerned about the number of lesbians in case it would turn me. And in the past when I've said I've dated boys, they've jokingly cheered about the fact it was a boy. So obviously, as a result I'm really scared to tell them. I don't want to upset them I think.

    But, I'm in a place in my life where I really really want to tell them. I don't want to have a secret anymore. I'm back home after uni, so I want to be able to be open and honest and I don't want to have to hear comments like that that make me feel guilty for not being straight. I want to tell them. And I'm in a fortunate enough position that I know even if the reaction is shit, it will eventually be fine, because my parents are actually decent people and I've seen them completely change and grow and accept my sister and sister in law. I'm just terrified for the temporary shit time that is almost definitely going to occur when I tell them I like girls. Does anyone have any advice on how to be brave enough to just get it over with and say it?

    My friends are great and supportive, but I feel like they don't completely get the fear/worries/feelings that comes with this whole situation, so I was hoping nice folks on EC would be able to give a girl some advice. If you've read all this, thanks. xxx
     
  2. europeanguy

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    no amount of advice will ever stop making you anxious about it, or worried, as none of us know your family. i got all the advice in the world but i still almost threw up saying it. (im internally homophobic, but thats another issue haha)

    the strategy i used was to just say it was no overthinking, just "here we go" saying it without thinking about it, your mind will freak out about it, make you think its the end of the world if people know, which will stop you saying it, but if you feel its absolutely needed to tell them, but just dont let your mind obstruct you too much.


    my look on your situation is that it seems that your sister really paved the way for acceptance for you, so if they can accept her, then surely they are already at least partially prepared for you, so maybe it wont be to hard. its good that your in a situation where if it does backfire your safe, thats good, that gives you all the more reason to do it, just dont think about it too much when your trying to say it, that will only build up the tension of it. imagine they already know, and have done for some time, does that make you feel more comfortable with saying it in a conversation?

    one thing i see you struggling with here is initial accepting of that truth, the argument "but you've dated guys" will probably be strong here as they'd see that as evidence that maybe its not true, so id be careful of that. like id never dated anyone, or shown an interest in people, so my parents didn't believe me at first, as id never tried anything.
     
  3. Quantumreality

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    If you think you would have trouble just telling them, have you considered writing them a letter? Perhaps you could make sure they get the letter and leave for the day to for the day, allowing them time to digest what you wrote.

    Just a thought.:slight_smile:
     
  4. redneck

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    When I came out to my mom I sat down and wrote out a letter in an email. Just save it to your drafts folder. One day when you are in one of your brave moods pop open your email and hit send. FAIR WARNING the instant you hit send you will very likely have a panic attack.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    The bottom of this post made me laugh. I have so been there haha

    ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2016 at 04:58 PM ----------

    It's tough situation, I totally get your fears, you just need 5 seconds of bravery. I think when you tell them, be that in person or through a letter you should just be honest and tell them that you have been putting off having this conversation because you know how disappointed they will be but that you really wanted to be honest with them.
     
  6. Ruby Dragon

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    This is gold! I fully agree. There's no better way of coming out to someone. Your insides will feel like it's fighting to exit your body, your heart will be pounding a million miles an hour, your palms will become sweaty, your mouth will become dry, but the only way to come out to someone - and sound convincing - is to just say it. Don't think about it. Don't wait for "the right moment". Don't obsess over possible outcomes. Look at it this way: You know the pool's water is really cold, but you want to swim. You stand there in your swimwear, contemplating whether you should enter the pool by means of the steps, and gradually make your body used to the water by inching deeper and deeper into the pool, or whether you should jump in straight away and get it over with.

    Obviously the best would be to jump right in and get it over with. And that's exactly what you should do with coming out to your parents. Just jump right in. Hope this made sense. I wish all the best of luck and I hope they will be super supportive and accept you without any issues (*hug*)
     
  7. 108

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    I have nothing to really add, but the world is so much brighter after you finally come out to your closest family. Just do it. You said it yourself, you know for a fact it will eventually be fine. There maybe a short period of emotional awkwardness at first, but it's a necessary step to really being free to live your life in peace.
     
  8. europeanguy

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    haha when i did do it, i was in the car going to college with my mother driving, we got there,i had to get out of the car to go and i just said it since it was the last minute and in a cowardly way, my mother would be leaving so she wouldn't be back till Saturday so it was kinda safe (it was a thursday) haha.....i was 15 minutes late in the end after her massive speech i got about acceptance and all that stuff. but it was definitely clearing my mind and not thinking that got me to do it in that last minute


    another thing to add, perhaps they might offer to tell others, my mother asked if i wanted her to tell my father and grandmother and i said yes, so she did, that made it alot easier.