A few months ago I was out to lunch with a friend, and during our conversation, he asked me if i was a lesbian. I had thought about coming out to him, but hadn't found a way to work it in, so i decided it was definitely better to tell the truth than to lie, and then have to tell him later. He had a pretty good reaction, and then we didn't really talk much more about it. Since it was my first time telling anyone, i don't think i really explained myself well, but figured it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't really ready to tell other people though, so asked him not to tell anyone and haven't told anyone else since. Last week, i mailed a coming out letter to my sister and ran into him right after. I was anxious about it, and since i am not out to anyone else wanted to tell him. He seemed kind of weird about it, but then again he is kind of an awkward person in general so i didn't think much about it. Then, the other night, he texted me asking how my sister had reacted. I told him I hadn't heard back yet, but that with national coming out day coming up, i thought i would write a letter to my best friend and send her one as well. He told me that he doesn't think i should tell more people yet, since i haven't ever kissed a girl. I guess in his eyes he probably thinks he is being thoughtful, but i am kind of offended that he thinks i don't know myself well enough, or that he thinks i couldn't know my sexuality without being with another girl. His tone was super condescending, whether it was intentional or not. I don't really know what to tell him, and now i feel kind of uncomfortable because he keeps calling it experimenting. I've accepted I am gay, but now he is making me feel like maybe i was wrong, and should wait to tell people, even though i want some closer friends to know. Should i tell him he is being offensive? or just ignore it and do whatever i want? Or should i listen to what he is saying?
wilson00, Don't be too offended by his remark. Most straight people don't really understand how sexuality works. They often think it's a choice or a phase non-heterosexuals go through. I would suggest that you try to patiently explain to him how you view it. You could also ask the obvious question of how he knows he's straight and see if he can actually explain it rather than just saying something like "I just know it" - which is the answer I'm sure you'd give if he asked you how you knew you were homosexual. As far as who to Come Out to and when goes, only YOU can decide when/if you are comfortable Coming Out to anyone else. You have to Come Out (or not) on your own timeline, as your own pace. Your friend can have his opinion, but he has shown his ignorance on LGBTQ issues and it doesn't seem like he can offer an informed opinion at this point. If he's really a good friend that you want to keep around without getting mad at him occasionally for making ignorant remarks about LGBTQ issues, you really might want to see if he's open to you teaching him about the LGBTQ community - maybe even hooking him up with a local PFLAG chapter, if he'd be willing to do that... Just some thoughts. Take Care.
I agree with QuantumReality completely. Straight people just don't understand and usually haven't needed to ask themselves if they are sure they're straight. It's just a given for them. That's the real heteronormativity. It's ok though. I have straight friends, and I know they mean well. I just don't give their opinions on it any weight to my thinking.
