I'm a wife and mother, in a heterosexual marriage for the last two years. My partner and I haven't been intimate since before our baby was born last year because, frankly, the thought of having sex with him makes me feel uncomfortable and exhausted. This isn't a recent occurrence, but is something we've been struggling with from the beginning -- and I've lost many partners before him due to what I always assumed was a low libido. About halfway through our relationship, it was my husband who suggested that I might be asexual. I had never heard the term before and was shocked at how accurately it described me when I looked it up. I have always found sex difficult to endure (tedious at best, upsetting at worst) and despite my husband's assurances that this was something we could "fix" over time, I am no less averse to having sex with him now than I was when we met, and I am much less willing to fake a smile and get on with it. I'm feeling increasingly resentful, which isn't fair as he doesn't pressure me directly at all - - it's just the knowledge that I'm supposed to be having sex with him, that he wants me to do it, and that I can't muster up the energy to pretend anymore. Worse, I've recently had an unexpected and intense desire to have sex with women - - no particular woman, just women in general - - and the thoughts have become so pervasive that I wonder if I may not be asexual after all, but homosexual. I dated a girl when I was a teenager, and then another woman when I was in my twenties, but there was not much sex in either relationship. To complicate matters even further, I'm here on a spousal visa and if our marriage ends, I will have to leave the country, taking our baby with me, which is NOT something that I want to do. My husband is an excellent father and I can't imagine raising our child without him. What should I do? Would it be best to just ignore my feelings for the good of my family? Or is that doing my husband, who is a good man, a disservice? I haven't met anyone and have no plans to cheat.
Hi welcome you have come to the right place. Thank you for opening up and telling us your situation it must be so stressful. First things first is clarification. You said that youre on a spousal visa? I never heard that term before because once you marry someone in a country you do have ability to gain citizenship. If not you need to go to a lawyer and explain the situation. Now since you havn't met anyone this makes things a little simpler. Why don't you two sit down with a councilling service that's lgbtq friendly. I had done so with mine and it makes everything so much better. Ignoring things is not the answer. Do not ignore it. You're husband sounds understanding and will help you through. Open marriage is an option but its a huge trust. Also getting a divorce right away might not be the best thing. Right now I believe your husband cared and wants to help you. Talk to him about your preference to women and maybe you two can agree to let you experience a meet up with a lady. But it depends on the relationship and it involves a lot of trust. Just keep in mind that he might not want to do it. Even though you have no intent to cheat which I understand, you still need to talk to him. In the absoulute end, it will be you who will come to terms. Regardless we support you and know we are here for you ☺
Wait a minute. Full stop. Open marriage is only an option if the husband is open-minded enough to agree on this term. I would really suggest not to tell your husband about your interest on women. Not yet. Not this time. You will jeopardise your spousal visa. He might go berserk and throw you out of the country. I do not know your husband but you certainly can guge what could happen, right? So, I suggest that BE PATIENT. From your story, he seems to be a nice guy. The only problem here is your low libido in men, perhaps. I do not think you're asexual. You just probably don't get what you want in SEX. Have you ever experienced orgasm? If not, then, that would be a problem. Know your body. Learn what you want. You said that you're experiencing an intense urge to have sex with women. What do you want to do when you're with the woman? Picture it in your mind and try to simulate it in bed with your husband. Communicate with your husband what you want. Sex is not just BANG! It certainly NOT ONLY for the pleasure of man. Your husband want to pleasure you too but you have to tell him how you want it. If you have sex with a woman, it's the same thing. You have to communicate. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Regarding my visa: In the UK, the spouse of a British citizen is not immediately entitled to citizenship, or even indefinite leave to remain in the country. It's a lengthy, expensive process during which we have to prove that our marriage is legitimate. We need to live together, share expenses, etc. It's a lot to ask of him if I tell him about my feelings and he's unhappy but doesn't want to lose his son. That's why this decision is so agonising. I can't imagine that he would throw us out, so he would have to live with me for years before we could separate. How would either of us move on under those circumstances? An open marriage really would be the ideal option, and it's the one that appeals the most to me, but I genuinely don't know that he would go for it. How does it even work with a baby at home, a small flat? I can't work out the logistics in my head. I've considered trying to make our sex life work, I really have, but I'm just not interested and he can tell it's a chore which makes it unpleasant for him, too. What I want from a woman isn't anything that he can give me. I don't know how to articulate it. My experiences with women have been mostly innocent crushes with very little physical involvement, so it could be that I'm longing for that: the sort of giddy, pure infatuation that I had for the girls I knew when I was younger. It's hard to know. It feels good to at least get this out, because I haven't told anyone. I tried to tell a friend of mine, and I managed to tell part of the story, to say that I was unhappy in my marriage and considering my options, but I didn't really touch on the thoughts about women. Even when I was actively pursuing women, I never actually came out to anyone. I never said to anyone, "I'm gay."
Okay thank you for the clarification. I can understand a little better now the situation you're in. Open marriage like I said involves trust, communication and some ground rules and the respect for them. It's not for everyone though fair warning. My ex-husband and I talked about it and in all honesty, he didn't want to do it and I hrespected his wishes. But I don't have a kid. There's nothing between us except saving up some money to move out and find work closer to home town. If you don't think he will throw you out, I still say confide in him or a friend or a support worker. It helped me a lot and I don't think keeping it bottled up will help. You said you were looking for that innocent infatuation feeling when you were younger and that you two were married for two years? I know it's common for things to go stale (which it took my seven years with my husband to figure out its not just time but my sexuality that kills the sex). But I believe this is something a little deeper. I'm glad you told us. Keep us posted if you want, we love updates. I will still standby talking to a councillor one on one about this and make sure they're safe space.
Wow, that's a very difficult situation! I can't even imagine how stressed you must be. I have to agree that I think you should talk about what's going on with someone, even if you aren't really ready to tell your husband just yet. Being asexual myself (and being an asexual that is active on forums that focus on asexuality), I've seen many, many different stories from both asexuals and sexuals, and there are various things that I've heard worked and didn't worked and so on . . . and you definitely might not be asexual, or maybe you are. It's hard to say and of course, you're ultimately the only one who can really know. Just a question: have you ever talked to your husband about your sexuality (and by that I mean when you believed you were asexual)? How open, exactly, are the two of you regarding your sexualities?
My husband was actually the one who suggested that I might be asexual, after I confessed that I have never felt about sex the way that everyone else seems to feel about sex. At the time, what I was saying felt inconsequential, like admitting that I don't really find Friends funny, but he reacted very strongly, which only drove home the point that I do not understand how important sex is to him. He was upset and hurt, and later he apparently Googled some of the things that I'd said and found AVEN. He sent me the link and I was honestly quite relieved to read that I'm not alone in feeling this way. My husband insisted that it might just be a temporary thing and asked me to try to overcome it, which I agreed to do although it didn't strike me as something that could change. We've tried various sexual acts since then with no luck. For clarification, here's how I feel about sex (with men, at least): it's omnipresent and I recognise its power to delight and inspire others. I've certainly used it to gain the attention and interest of people I like. I occasionally enjoy reading and writing about it (particularly Anais Nin's erotica) and I can appreciate it in a cerebral sense, as an abstract concept -- flirtatious or suggestive language, for instance -- but the physical act itself doesn't do anything for me except make me anxious and uncomfortable. The physical sensations, the odours, the fluids etc just put me off. My bits are fully functional, and I've experienced orgasm. I generally find women much more aesthetically pleasing than men, and I think that sex with a woman would remove the "ick" factor, at least, but I cant know for sure because I've had so few experiences with women compared to men.
Well . . . I hate to say this, but I imagine this is something you already know, anyway: your husband probably isn't going to take this very well. He does want you to be sexually attracted to him. It is in no way your fault that you aren't, though. When (or if) you tell him, it will likely be painful for both of you. That doesn't mean it can't be worked out. I've also heard of a man who identified as fraysexual and his wife, a heterosexual, and they were making their marriage work. It wasn't ideal, but they stayed together nonetheless. It is absolutely possible that the same can be true for you and your husband! He might be willing to make compromises about having an open relationship. Again, this is a very hard situation, and I'm sorry that you're having to go through it.
Hey there! Just want to say I'm in the same predicament as yours. Married and having urges towards the same sex only in fantasy though. And I intend to keep it like that. I am inlove but too afraid to tell my husband about my other self. We're planning to have a baby someday, i love him but I can't help but feel guilty when I watch videos and read fanfics of women being with other women. (Sigh) I know I can't be unfair to him like this but I don't want to complicate things, sometimes my other self gets me down but I have done a good job hiding so far. I hope I don't say names of women out koud when I'm asleep. Grhhhh. Anyways, goodluck!
