Okay guys, I'm new on this forum, don't even know if I'm starting a thread in the right category. I'll try to keep my story short. I'm a 22 year old gay and I met a really nice guy. He's part of the group of friends I'm with and I really start liking him. He has a really feminine way of doing things and the way he dresses. He's French, so I always thought because it was because he's French. I asked him once if he was gay and he really was angry about that question. It's like such a sensitive subject for him apparently. Anyway, I tried to avoid him just to make sure my feelings wouldn't get any bigger for him. Today I checked his phone because I had to change the music. I went on his browser to Google it and in his history was a lot of gay porn, like a huge amount of gay porn. So my question his, how should I deal with it. Can I just tell him what I saw, or will it make the situation even worse? He's already really deep in the closet (does that make sense??) I just want it to make it easier for him, but I don't know how. Thank you so much for your help! (!)
It's a catch 22 I'm afraid. One end you confront him and it freaks him out and he gets angry. Or you have to twindlle your thumbs and see if he comes to term on who he is. My advice is don't pressure him on it. If he doesn't want to come out he doesn't want to come out. That's something he has to do. Be a good friend and support him. Have you told him you're gay? I would assume so or maybe your group of friends. Maybe just relating your experiences to him will male him at ease. But he's not going to like how you went through his phone. I'm not scolding you in the least but I'm trying to see where he's coming from. Are you guys in a safe community to be out and open? I'm not sure the social stigma in France on homosexuality but maybe it was negative for his childhood? It's a tough call but as long as you're there for him you are doing great!
Linkmaste994 makes some good points here. It probably isn't wise to pressure him or tell him that you went through his phone history. You gave two reasons for wanting your friend to 'come out' about his sexuality. 1/ you are concerned about his wellbeing and happiness 2/ because you hope to act on your feelings and develop a relationship with him The thing that you need to decide is which one of these reasons is the greatest motivator. Even if he is gay and you help him to come to terms with that, it doesn't automatically mean that he will have romantic feelings for you too. That is something you should be prepared to accept if you want to get more involved in his life. As Linkmaste994 said, it may help to discuss your own experiences with him and confide in him to demonstrate the trust in your relationship. However don't be too persistent. For someone struggling to come to terms with their sexuality it can be overwhelming when others are so open about it. If he tries to shut down the conversation then move on and talk about something else for a while or if you can, try and be silent for a while. Give him time to think and process what you are saying and he may feel more comfortable re-starting the conversation himself.
Thanks guys, really awesome to get so much of responsiveness from you. Thursday I will have a drink with him, and will talk about it in a really subtle way. I will keep you posted!
He may admit it to you when he's ready, there's no reason to do anything about what you. Just be a good friend and don't make it awkward. I would be more subtle and not directly approach the subject. Be sure that he knows you're gay and maybe he'all find comfort in that, maybe hint at things lightly over some time. I would not be too forward about anything, it could push him away.
