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Coming out to your adult child

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gigi76, Oct 7, 2016.

  1. Gigi76

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    Hey just wanted some advice for my friend from work who wants to come out to his 20 year old son but doesn't know how to approach it. He had talked to me about it the other day and I told him that the sooner the better since the longer he waits, his son may be more upset that his dad kept it from him. I also suggested to make sure he was ready and to be prepared for whatever reaction he may get. But of course I understand it's easier said than done, especially for a father to tell his adult son. I haven't came out to my wife or kids yet, but my kids are still little so it's a different situation.

    At the same time,another friend of his that knows my friend is gay told him the opposite thing so he doesn't know what to do. He thinks his friend who is also married with kids is possibly closeted and may be the reason why he's strongly discouraging him from telling his son. His friend told him not to tell his son because he might scar him and should wait till his son has his own family and that when he was that age he despised gay people and that his son may feel the same way. Even though my friend emphasized that he wanted to be honest with his son, his friend kept insisting not to tell his son to the point where he was getting upset.

    So now my friend is confused on what to do. Any advice for him?
     
  2. Halfwayout

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    I dont feel like I can offer advice really but I can share my friends story with you and reflections on that, which may be somewhat helpful. My friends 'straight' parents got divorced because her mum had an affair with another woman and realised she was gay. My friend was 16 at the time, and she had two older sisters (18 and 20) . Their mum sat down them down and spoke with them about it. They were really emotional at first, the older ones had to go upstairs and take some time but my friend, the youngest, went to her mum and told her it was going to be okay. With time, they've all got used to it and are completely accepting and happy for their mum. The real problem was the lady she was with, not the fact that she was with a woman.
    I think I would prepare for an emotional or confused reaction, and remember patience will probably be needed. I do think if he feels ready to tell his son, then he definitely should - if he waits until the son has a family and is married that could be in twenty years from now!
    For the kid - I think it might be hard for them to tell their peers - my friend only actually said openly what had happened a while after, not because she was ashamed just cause she didn't really know how to bring it up.

    I hope your friend finds the courage to come out to those he wants to and I hope his son his accepting and loving - xxxx
     
  3. Quantumreality

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    Gigi76,

    I don't know if this will help you to better advise your friend or not, but the way I view this is from a more practical, what-will-be-will-be point of view. Your friend has clearly come to terms with himself with being other-than-heterosexual. That won't change. If he doesn't talk to his son about that part of himself, that is his choice. But that also means that the relationship he has with his son will always be at a distance if he doesn't Come Out to him.

    Ultimately, his son's reaction will be what it will be. This is 2016 and the last couple of generations are FAR more accepting than most people in the generation that I grew up with. Your friend clearly needs to decide for himself if (1) he really thinks his son's reaction will be negative long-term (because the son could very likely need time to process what his Dad tells him) and (2) if he thinks that Coming Out outweighs the consequences on that relationship if he DOESN'T Come Out to his son?

    Just my 2cents...


    Take Care.:slight_smile: