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Being in the spotlight

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JAlfred, Oct 11, 2016.

  1. JAlfred

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    I've made a lot of progress over the last two months in coming out to myself. The freedom and, well, the rightness I've felt since fully acknowledging my bisexuality has been incredible.

    However, a problem I'm still having a little trouble getting around is the thought of being open about it with others.

    For much of my life I've felt uncomfortable being in the spotlight and tried to stay out of it, even when I was a little kid. This makes coming out sort of a problem because, even if a person or a group doesn't have a negative reaction, I'm still put in the spotlight.

    I know the endgame is to be able to live and love openly, but I feel ambivalent about the thought of my sexual orientation being one of the foremost facts about me in others' minds for a period of time. On one hand, the thought of one day going to a family gathering or a friend's place and saying "this is my boyfriend so-and-so" is appealing, but on the other, its strange to think of others knowing a secret I've kept for a long time.

    How have you folks handled it?
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey JAlfred,

    I know exactly where you’re coming from. For decades I was buried deep in the closet for the sake of my career in the military. And I’ve never cared to be in the spotlight.

    And biphobia is a hot button topic for me. It is very real both in the straight community and the LGBT community. But you just kind of have to be prepared to deal with – and hopefully confront – biphobic comments like: “Bisexuality doesn’t exist.” “Bisexuals are just playing both sides of the fence.” “Bisexuals can’t be happy or faithful in a monogamous relationship.” “Bisexuals love threesomes.” And so on. I’ve been trying very hard to educate people when I hear biphobic comments or am just talking to them about bisexuality.

    But now I just need to live my life and I don’t want to be the center of attention if I show up at a party or cookout or other social event with either a bf or gf. To me, that required Coming Out to my close friends – all of whom, but one, are in the military or were in the military. So far, everyone has been totally accepting and, after some initial discussion, it pretty much becomes a non-issue. I like to think that it’s mainly a result of how I chose my friends – I would never have chosen to make close friends with anyone who was homophobic or biphobic.

    I normally start by asking them if I can tell them something very personal and private about myself, which kind of sets the stage and tells them that I am very serious about what I am about to say. When they say ‘sure’ or ‘of course’, I tell them that I am bisexual. It has never been that easy to just say, though, and sometimes, depending on the person I’m talking to, it can take 5-10 minutes of skirting around the subject before I can say it. In fact, I just Came Out to another close military friend this weekend and his first comment was “It’s totally cool. You’ve just got to be you.”

    I’ve also begun to wear a bisexual pride bracelet and T-shirt fairly often – the T-shirt really tickles my sense of irony because it says “Assume Nothing” which was also my motto working in military intelligence, so that is pretty sweet. I don’t know how many people recognize the significance of the bisexual colors compared to the LGBT rainbow colors, but that’s fine with me, too. If someone asks me a question about my sexuality at a later time, I can always say “Sure, I’m bisexual. I assumed you knew. Haven’t you seen me wearing a bisexual pride bracelet and T-shirt around?”

    I know that in the longrun, there will still be people around me that just don’t know and may be surprised by something I do or say or one of my other friends says in casual conversation, but I don’t really care. I only feel it is important to tell the people who are closest to me for the simple reason that I don’t want to surprise them at sometime in the future and I don’t want to have to censor my discussions so that I don’t ‘accidentally’ give myself away.

    I don’t know if any of this helps you…

    Take Care. Stay strong and proud!:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Oct 11, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2016
  3. EleanorHunter

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    You know, coming out initially seems like big news, but after a while, it's not at the forefront of people's minds. It takes a little while for them to wrap their brains around it, then they get over it and generally forget.

    Personal example: I talk about being gay a lot. Mostly jokes and ranting about female celebrities I love. I make jokes about this being "my ONE character trait you guys". You'd think it'd be pretty hard to forget I'm gay, right? Nope. One of my best friends, who is basically my little sister, was talking to me over Facetime, and I mentioned how I had gone out on a date with a girl. She got quiet for a second, before going "Oh my I forgot you were gay for a second."

    If your friends/family love and care for you, it won't be the only thing they focus on. It won't be the first thing they think of when they see your face.

    A tip I'd recommend is not acting like it's a big deal. If you treat it like something unimportant and not life changing, then the people you're talking to probably won't make a big deal about it as well. Hell, I've given up "coming out" altogether. I just state it as a fact that I assume everyone knows, and nobody I've talked to has pressed me beyond a "Wait, you're gay?" or "So when you say you're gay, are you gay or bi?" Both of those are one word answers which people accept and move on with.

    To sum it up: yeah, coming out initially is a little weird. But the relief you feel and the wonderful things that come after make it worth it.