Fear of Coming Out

Hi TimidWolf,

Welcome to EC! First, I want to tell you that you are not alone. There are so many people here in this online community who understand what you are going through, me included.

You don't say how old you are. If you wouldn't mind sharing your age, it would help me to understand you a little better. If you are surrounded by people in your life who are unaccepting of gay people, it may make that very difficult to come out, especially if you are around 13-15. If you are 16-17, for example, you would be closer to being an adult and perhaps going off to college soon. That's why I'm asking for your age.

Since you are dependent on your parents for now, you may decide to wait to come out for a bit. I would actually recommend that you wait on coming out, and instead focus more on acceptance. You said in your post, "I know I'm gay, but I don't like the idea of me being gay." Boy, I sure know that sentence, as I've said it to myself over and over again for longer than I can remember.

I would suggest that you wait to come out when you can say "I know I'm gay, and I'm good with that." When I came out of the closet, it was extremely helpful to me that I had reached full acceptance of myself as a gay man.

Keep reading here on EC, and keep posting your thoughts. We can help you to achieve acceptance here. Good luck on your journey!

 

TimidWolf,

Understanding and accepting the fact that you are not heterosexual is, IMO, the first and most important step. Each of us comes to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality at different times in our lives. If you browse through the threads in the LGBT Later in Life forum, you will find many people who didn’t come to understand or accept their sexuality until they were much older than you current are.

For myself, I noticed an attraction to boys in Middle School (around age 13). I also had an attraction to girls, but it seemed I had more attractions to boys. Since Sex Education in most American schools is sadly lacking when it comes to LGBTQ aspects of sexuality, I went through high school thinking that I was gay because I thought there were only two possibilities – heterosexual and homosexual. This was before the Internet, so the only real resources on LGBTQ sexualities that I could find were in the school and public libraries – and those were sadly lacking. Then, when I went to college, I had access to REAL information about LGBTQ sexualities in the university library and through an LGBTQ group on campus. I came to realize that I was bisexual. It wasn’t until I was 23 that I truly understood my sexuality and I finally came to a complete acceptance of my sexuality at age 25.

As far as Coming Out to anyone, that is your choice and yours alone. Your sexuality is your personal and private information and no one else’s business, unless you choose to share it with them. There is no ‘timetable’ for Coming Out; it’s a completely individual decision based on your own personal circumstances and desires. It’s often best to evaluate the risks versus the rewards for yourself when contemplating Coming Out to someone. Will Coming Out to them make your life any easier (i.e. do you expect that person to be accepting and then become a source of support with whom you can just openly be ‘you’)? Will that person keep your confidence – will they understand that only YOU can decide if/when to tell anyone else? Many of us choose to first Come Out to a close friend or two whom we believe will be accepting. The hardest people to Come Out to are usually best friends and family because, even if we believe that they will be accepting, we have the most to lose (their friendship/love/support) if they reject us.

I hope some of that helps.

Take Care.

 

Ok, you're 22. Only you can gauge the risks of coming out while you are still living at home, and how accepting or not you think they will be. I can only go by your first sentence which was "I really want to come out." I do know that desire well. I still say that, IMO, you should work on gaining self acceptance before seeking acceptance from others. I do believe it will help you.

 

I wouldn't come out to your family if I were you - it would mean breaking ties with your family. If you're dependent on them it's definitely not a good idea. I'm going through a similar situation myself.

I first came out to a gay friend because I knew that they would accept me. Even that was hard, but it helped in coming out to my straight friends which was harder, but they still accepted me.

Then again you come from Iowa. If you don't have gay friends I'd suggest looking in popular dating apps, and find someone your own age because you normally find people there who just want to make friends, and they're usually easy to tell apart. Avoid the ones who are shirtless or who have bare legs and feet exposed (um, eww).