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came out to my sister tonight

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Italyguy, Oct 14, 2016.

  1. Italyguy

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    I finally got up the courage to tell my sister tonight. I was prompted by my soon to be ex-wife sending me the old <are you gay> email. I guess my kid must have said something to tip her off because I definitely did not. In this email, she explained that she had already had the conversation with my 4 year old about me having a boyfriend. I am not dating anyone and I am bi, not gay. I figure I will be having a conversation about this with my kid sometime soon. I called my sister and it just came out. I swear she must have already known. She took it really well. It's the first time I have said it out loud to someone in 19 years. I wasn't really sure then. Fear and doubt put me right back into the closet back then. It feels different now. I have been trying to get the courage to say something for months. I hope this gets easier. Now, I just need to figure out what to say to my 4 year old.
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey halfmylife,

    I'm so sorry that you were forced Out before you were ready!:icon_sad:

    But I'm also glad to hear that your sister took it so well! Now you have an ally with whom you can just be your true self!:slight_smile:

    For me, Coming Out got easier in general after the first one, but not right away. AND, it depends on whom you are Coming Out to. For anyone whose friendship, support and/or love that you really care about (such as a best friend and family), it somehow ALWAYS seems to be hard, just because, even if you are 99% sure in your own mind that they will be supportive, the 1% possibility of rejection can be just so emotionally devastating.

    And, if your child is 4, I wouldn't place any blame there. Children that age can't really understand how this issue between you and your ex works.

    Best of luck!

    Take Care. Stay strong and proud!:slight_smile:
     
  3. Italyguy

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    Thanks Quantumreality for your words of support.

    It has turned out way better that I had thought possible. My kid never said a word to me. I got some legal advice about how coming out before settling custody could impact my situation. It is very different for each state and county. [Please seek legal advice before doing this.] I decided to take the plunge. I live in the bible belt, so you can imagine my apprehension. I replied back to my stb ex-wife and said, yes, you are pretty close - I am bi. (!) I spoke to her for a long time about it afterwards and she seemed genuinely supportive. I am pretty sure she still hates me for unrelated divorce issues but this is still huge for me.

    I have been telling friends for years that I view sexulity as a spectrum and I am somewhere in the middle. I honestly never let myself finish thinking through what that really meant. Every time I felt strongly for someone else (guys or girls), I would just shut it down and binge eat my feelings. I just thought it was what happens when there are marital problems. It turned out to be unrelated (at least not the cause of) the marital problems. At least I now know why I did that and I can work on healthier ways to let out these feelings.

    It is so depressing in the city where I live. There is not a single church, spiritually supportive place, or any place for that matter that is welcoming for LGBT people. I found a LGBT social event I could attend just over an hour's drive away. It was really nice to hang out with people who just understand. I felt bad after I shared my coming out experience because my stb ex-wife had a way more positive reaction than basically everyone else's experience. It was horrible to hear how mean people can be that you care about and you thought cared about you. I dread getting one of those kind of reactions. I went through over a decade of emotional, at times physical, and in the end sexual abuse from my stb ex-wife. I get something like a low-level panic attack when someone starts getting angry or starts yelling at me.

    I think I will take coming out to my parents very slow to see if I can get a sense of how they will respond. To give you an idea, they have Trump stickers on their cars. I almost don't want to visit for the holidays just to avoid feeling guilty about not sharing who I am after so many years of burying it.
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey halfmylife,

    I’m glad things are proceeding fairly positively for you!:slight_smile:

    Living in a small town or rural area – especially in a conservative part of the country can be a real challenge for LGBTQ people to meet up with other LGBTQ people. It also really sucks that you don’t have a local LGBTQ-friendly church that you can attend. I guess the primary solutions available are to either have to drive long distances regularly or to actually move to a more LGBTQ-friendly area.

    Don’t feel bad about how well your Coming Out experience has gone so far. We hear about far too many bad experiences, so each and every positive story is greatly welcomed by the community.

    I hope you also have a positive experience with your parents if/when you Come Out them. Parents can be surprising. In many instances, even deeply religious and conservative parents find that their unconditional love for their child trumps the prejudices that they have been taught about LGBTQ people.

    Best of luck in everything!:slight_smile: