i can't come out

You might be thinking, "why can't they come out"? Good question. My problem is that I can, but I also can't. I can't gather the courage to tell my parents that I'm interested in girls and boys, and I'm not sure if they'd take it well.

A couple weeks ago, I decided to test the LGBT waters and asked my dad if he knew what all the letters stood for and he listed them. I asked what he thought about gay marriage and he said it was wrong because it says one man shouldn't lie with another in the bible. I asked some other things and what I've gathered is that he doesn't understand it and thinks of it as strange and unnatural, but ultimately doesn't care if someone is gay. My mom is a little worse with this stuff and I couldn't get myself to ask her anything, but I can say that whenever there's a gay/lesbian couple on tv, she will groan audibly and fast forward past it. My parents have also made comments about this "gay stuff going too far" when two girls were flirting (I almost screamed "and heterosexuality isn't" but whatever).

So I'm afraid they'll be mad at me and won't understand if I do come out. Bisexuality is harder to understand for straight people, I've noticed. There was an incident a month or two ago when my parents read my text messages to my friend (she's the only person I'm out to and I was joking about being gay) and my mom had this serious look on her face I've never seen before. She brought my phone to me and asked "are you lesbian". It was horrible and I immediately denied it and she said "thank god".

Neither of my parents would kick me out, I'm certain, but I'm afraid of a negative reaction nonetheless. They're both conservative Republicans (I'm the same thing, just way more supportive of gay rights). Should I come out? And if yes, then how?

 

Hi fuzzcat,

Sorry to hear your parents (or you mum) are prejudiced - it wouldn't be so bad if they were merely uneducated about sexuality. First, whether you come out or not is entirely up to you. I understand that you want your parents to be a part of your life and that means coming out to them but there is not timescale for this to happen. If you don't feel like that then you don't ever need to tell them. However, from your post it seems like the former is more accurate, that you want your parents to know, so I will assume for the rest of this post that you plan to come out to them at an unspecified time in the future. But it is up to you, only you can decide if it is the right time and right people to come out too.

Second, from what you say it sounds like your dad might be the best person to come out to first as he seems to misunderstand sexuality rather than actively oppose it. Depending on his and your sense of humor you could even say 'the bible doesn't apply to me as I'm a woman' to make the point that biblical interpretation changes over time. If you think he would come round more quickly than your mum, you could start with him and get him onside to then speak to your mum. Obviously, you might prefer to tell them both at the same time but there is nothing stopping you from speaking to one before the other. If you would rather tell them both together than post back and we can brainstorm that scenario.

As for your mum, is she particularly religious or is she broadly non-religious but prejudiced? If she is particularly religious then maybe other EC members can provide more specific advice. I could only suggest that you state that religious interpretation is a personal thing and that only God can really judge not other people (or something like that if you are yourself religious). I must confess that I have no experience with religious prejudice so I don't know if you could use religion in your defence in this way but it might be worth thinking about. If she is prejudiced but non-religious about it then you might just need to clearly refute anything prejudiced she says to you.

Finally, you might want to look up some letters that people have put up about coming out to give you can idea of the things you might want to cover. The following is an extract from a draft that someone else has put up, this might be useful for explaining bisexuality to your parents:

"... I am bi, I am attracted to both male and female. It may look like I'm in a position to choose, but I can't, I may end up being with a woman for the rest of my life, I may end up being with a man for the rest of my life, either way I can't predict the future, I may lean towards one gender more then the other but that still doesn't change my feelings. ... I don't expect you to agree with every decision I make, but I hope you respect that they are my decisions to make. I will make mistakes a long the way and I just hope you are there to support me when I do, unconditionally."

I hope some of this helps and please post back if you have anything further you want to discuss or if I've not addressed something. Wishing you well.

 

well...

i would work on it. prepare yourself


various ways. one good way is to educate yourself, and maybe prepare to educate your parents...

also more support would help. and maybe planning.


one thing - that bible quote, it wrong. It does NOT say a man must not lie with another man. It say, a man must not lie with another man AS he lies with his wife. What this is, first of all, is a polite way of saying ANAL SEX.

second of all, that's a health and sanitation code, in the middlle of a ton of codes about cleanliness.

third of all - that is the law of the old testament - Jesus was the messiah and fulfilled the law, we are not bound by it any more - we are bound by a new covenant. If we were following the old law you would be jewish - you couldn't eat pork or shellfish or a bunch of other things.

Please feel free if you like to contact me further about these things, I would love to talk to people more about these things. Take care!!

 

I went the flippant route. Not with my family, granted as they weren't really applicable but with friends, work, etc.

Takes a lot to hold your breath and steel yourself but honestly, well worth it. Unless you're the sort who needs immediate feedback. I just find it gives people who I swear are going to have the worst reaction, have a slightly less worse reaction as it gives them time to wonder if I am serious or joking and then when they slightly start to realize I'm not joking, they warm up to the idea.

As in when your mother brings you the phone and asks if you're gay... "Yup - I'm afraid I'm going to have to come clean, Mom. I'm as gay as gay old Liberace. Let me know if you want me to pack now or later."

And then off I go... Leaving them with hopefully, laughing before it all sets in on them...

Just a thought. Doesn't work for everyone. Works for me.

 

Thank you for the detailed reply! I think my mom is a bit prejudice in terms of thinking it's weird and not wanting to be immersed in gay culture, if you know what I mean. I spend a lot more time with my dad and we get along better than I do with my mom, so coming out to him first probably makes more sense. I think he misunderstands it rather than being prejudice and he is way more open-minded than my mom. He only uses the bible quote because he assumes that's the excuse Christians give and he doesn't want them to have to go against their bible by marrying gay couples. None of my family is religious, by the way.

Yes, I have thought about the letter approach and looked up examples, but I have no idea what to say other than "hey yo, I'm not straight--have a nice day". I kind of had a unique experience coming to terms with myself. My best friend told me she thought I was bi when she met me and when I told her I was questioning myself, she asked if I thought I was bi and it just clicked. Do I tell them that? I mean, I don't have a whole story to write. I also thought of another option, like telling my mom over text when I'm on holiday with my friend next year. I go every summer for a week so it would give her time to absorb it and I wouldn't have to face her immediately after telling her, which takes away some of the anxiety.

---------- Post added 17th Oct 2016 at 11:29 AM ----------

Believe me, I've been preparing myself since the beginning of this year. It's taken me a long time to even seriously consider telling them.

I came up with plenty of ways to do it, and I couldn't make myself follow through.

I would get my friend to support me, but I feel like my parents would think that was weird. I also worry that they won't understand how bisexuality works and stop letting me see my friend because you know how it is, the gays want to "get with" everyone.

And yeah, I know the quote is outdated. My dad knows nothing about religion so I think he just assumes they still follow that rule lol.

---------- Post added 17th Oct 2016 at 11:33 AM ----------

That's probably the easiest way to do it, just saying it. I have tried countless times, but once I get their attention, I make a joke and play it off.

I'm almost definitely exaggerating how bad their reaction would be in my mind, but it still terrifies me.

 

Hi fuzzcat,

It's completely understandable that it is a terrifying thought - our parents are normally very important people in our lives and their reaction is always a big consideration.

It should be easier that they aren't religious as you don't have to worry about them speaking to a biphobic pastor or something who then just reinforces the prejudice. Do you think you would prefer to come out to them separately? That's the inference I've gotten so I will proceed on the basis of a separate coming out. From what you say you might want to come out to your Dad in person and your Mum by message. I would suggest that you do it by physical letter rather than text as she may try and phone you when she receives it while a letter will give you the excuse that you haven't looked at your phone if she tries to contact you. Just thinking about the space and time you want to have when your Mum reads your coming out.

As to what you want to include I don't think you need to include a realisation story unless you particularly wanted to. I didn't when I came out to my parents, I just said 'I'm gay'. You definitely want to explain the bit about bisexuality but is there anything else you want to explain? So don't feel like you have to include certain things - it is about what you want to say to them. Maybe make a bullet point list of the things you'd like to include and we can go through it if you like?

Btw, on a lighter note, I really like your 'hey yo, I'm not straight--have a nice day' - very good and to the point.

 

You make a good point. I think I'll just write a short letter and leave it where she'll find it. Now that I think about it, coming out to them separately would be difficult since they always tell each other everything I talk to them about (yes, it is annoying).

I'm honestly not sure what I want to include. I wish it was easy as just telling the person and them being like "oh, okay, want to order a pizza later".

 

Lol. The pizza response would be the best. Sadly, stupid heteronormative prejudice gets in the way.

Well don't worry about what to include. You said you looked at some other messages people wrote so you have a fair idea of what sort of things people include and if you don't feel like including certain things then that is fine - it's your letter after all.

If you wanted to come out to the separately then you could ask your Dad to refrain from telling your Mum but I guess you would feel time pressured to tell her shortly afterwards? Or do you think you should tell them together? Btw way you shouldn't feel like you have to tell them together but obviously you are concerned that your would be asking your Dad to hide something from your Mum. Do you think you would prefer coming out separately to them but then do it close together in time or are you considering telling them together? If you told them together would think of doing that face-to-face or by letter? There isn't a right way to do it - it is entirely about how comfortable you would feel and how you think you should approach it.

Sorry for all the questions - basically it comes down to what you would feel most comfortable with. Whatever way you decide you want to it, there will be a way to work it out.

 

From what you've been saying, I think I would be most comfortable leaving out a letter for them to find. My main fear is telling them face to face.

 

Hi fuzzcat,

That's perfectly alright. A letter has certain advantages over face to face - mainly it gives them time to absorb what you've told them.

So shall we proceed on the basis that you will write them a letter? If so do you want to write out your letter on here and then get some feedback on it?

Also do you have a way in mind of getting the both to read the letter at the same time without you being there? If not no worries, we can figure something out.

 

I never really understood how being bi is more difficult since you're technically attracted to both a.k.a you don't have to ''live a lie'' necessarily, like I had. Coming out though is one heck of a grueling process. Friends come and go, so if you lose a few friends over this it's fine but with family it's different. Your parents are somewhat on the homophobic side but perhaps they'll become more accepting of the LGBT community in the future. Mine have over the past few years become slightly more accepting, though I did not come out to them.

 

@A Republican

The main difficulty I gather from what other bi people say is that people have a harder time understanding bisexuality. So people can often think that being bi means you can pick and choose whether you are attracted to girls or guy when in fact you are attracted to whoever regardless of gender. Thus, sometimes parents might say well why don't you just be straight if you can choose. They don't realise that bisexuality is not a choice anymore than being gay or straight is a choice. I think it therefore makes it harder to explain to people and that's why is can be more difficult.

Also I disagree that you would not be living a lie - it's not like you could only make sure you fall for the opposite sex just keep other people happy.

 

I meant that you can still meet someone (if you're bi) from the opposite sex who you like and be happy with them in the case of a dire situation where being who you are is going to cause problems. Here in Italy we're looked down upon, even in the North (which is supposedly more educated). I heard the UK is very accepting so I guess it's different according to the country you're living in but there are risks in coming out.

 

Sorry, A Republican, it isn't that simple. I can't CHOOSE who will be the love of my life based on gender. Intentionally 'settling' for an opposite-sex partner is not dissimilar to homosexuals that marry same-sex partners in order to fit into society and 'get along.' Now, if my OTP turns out to be someone from the opposite sex, that would be just fine and it wouldn't then be 'settling.' But how can ANYONE choose in advance who their OTP will be? No one can.

Take Care.

---------- Post added 18th Oct 2016 at 10:57 AM ----------

@fuzzcat I think it is important that you consider including in your letter the fact that this is not a ‘phase’ that you will grow out of and that you would not be telling them this if you had not journeyed long and hard to understand and accept your own sexuality. As Barbatus said, you should also strongly consider letting them know that you will love who you love and that no one can predetermine who your OTP will be – a man or a woman, so you are just asking them (your parents) for their continued love and support and acceptance of you as their daughter.

Best of luck!

 

Thank you. My main concern is them thinking it's a phase or something I can pick and choose with.

---------- Post added 19th Oct 2016 at 10:24 PM ----------

Yes, I think I'll write a letter. I have no idea what to start with, though. I don't want it to be too impersonal or too personal, if you know what I mean.

Also, a good way for them both to see it would be if I left it out for one of them to find on a Saturday/Sunday when I'm usually away from the house.

 

Hi fuzzcat.

So you know at least two things you want to get across which is great, that you cannot 'choose' who you will fall for and that this isn't a phase.

I think an honest start is probably a good way to start. So something like the following:

'I've got something very important to tell and I've been thinking about it for a long time [maybe specify the number of years if you want]. I want you know that I am bisexual. This means that I can fall in love with both men and women but I cannot choose between them. I may end up being with a woman for the rest of my life, I may end up being with a man for the rest of my life, either way I can't predict the future, I may lean towards one gender more then the other but that still doesn't change my feelings. I want you to support and accept me for who I am. I am still your daughter, nothing about me has changed, this is a vital part of who I am and it is not something that can or will change. I would not be telling you this if I thought it was a phase.'

I don't know who you might want to sign off, maybe you want to include something about why it is important for you that they know and accept you are bi. Anyway that's just a suggested letter and hopefully you will see what bits you like or don't like. I tend to be direct and literal in tone when writing so you may want to style it differently. Also it is not a problem if you hate it - it's purpose is to help you figure out what and how you want to come out to your parents.

I would suggest that it isn't too long, you want it to be on point and clear what you are saying but you should include the points you want to get across. Others might have some other suggestions as well. What do you think?

 

hi man,
i'm not 100% sure what to do or how to help you because i'm not out yet either because i'm pretty sure my parents are transphobic but, i want you i know i'm always here and i'm just on the other end of a message
we can get through it together yeah? have a good day/night lyl (*hug*)

 

That's a really good start, I'll use that. I can't think of anything else so that's probably all I'll write.

 

Hi fuzzcat,

Glad it was helpful. If you want to add more do so but if there isn't anything that springs to mind after a few days then you can keep it short and sweet. Hope you are having a good weekend.

 

Thanks, sounds like a plan.