End of a friendship?

Jesus Christ I need to stop crying or I'm going to soak the computer. Make sure you get some popcorn, this rant's gonna be a doozy.

I need some vent time, BADLY. At this point I'm feeling suicidal again and I... I don't know. It started out simple, my best friend (we'll call her Jane Doe) had this crush on a guy (we'll call him John Doe). I didn't really approve of it, the John's eighteen and she's fourteen. She's not mature, at all. Jane is in fact very immature and makes bad decisions, which has led to where I am now.

Tuesday I had been sitting underneath a nice tree that blooms at our school. I've been there lately, mostly because I find I'm getting uncomfortable and that I'm not enjoying myself when I'm with friends. Another friend (Who we'll call TS), came to sit by me and talk. He had this crush on Jane, and comes to me to talk about it. I don't think they would work out together, but I answer the questions he asks within reason and let him worrywart. He was getting these texts from a girl (Briney) who had crossed with Jane and John over to the mall. I'm not allowed to cross the street anyway, so I stayed.

Apparently, the text was saying John asked Jane out on a date and to go to prom. I didn't believe it, because I called Jane and talked to her. She said that it was all a joke (because it's so :***: funny when you play a cruel joke like that on a guy who has a serious crush). So I reassured TS and let things go on. I was still a little bit worried, but I didn't think that it could be true, cause Jane had told me otherwise. Best friends don't lie to each other.

Next morning, Briney comes up to where we talk in the morning, where I'm sitting with Jane, and starts talking loudly about how Jane got asked out on a date. Jane starts blushing and tells her to shut up, but Briney keeps at it. At this point, I'm really starting to doubt, and I go off. By the end of the day I'm so bothered and worried I call Jane. She had been able to tell that I was upset all day, so she picked up quickly. I asked her simply if she had been asked out, and if she was going. She said yes.

My friend, my BEST friend, the only other person other than my mom who I trust anymore since the divorce, LIED to me. You want to know what her excuse was?

'If it makes you feel better, I hadn't been planning on telling anyone, you weren't an exception,'

Oh yeah, that makes me feel LOADS better. I'm sure my dad hadn't been planning on telling anyone that he was busy screwing around with some chick behind my mom's back. I proceeded to cry, hit two inanimate objects, and yell at the same time. After hanging up, of course. I remember why I hate to give into my emotions so much now.

The next day was bad between us, I was still hurt and had to go away every time I was left alone with her. Mom came home wanting to know what was wrong, and I told her. I had also been thinking this out myself so I already had a plan. Jane had two days to tell her parents, because she had been lying to them as well, or I would tell them myself. I didn't do this out of revenge, but because I believe this was the decision that Jane needed to make herself, and if she didn't, I would force her. She's lied to her parents twice in a week about huge things already, and they have a horrid relationship. The mother is too lenient, and the stepfather knows what to do but he doesn't want to overstep his boundaries and he gives into the mom. I could see Jane breaking up their marriage.

I talked it out with her over the phone and sent her an e-mail, here's mine;

"Please, this is something that is really bothering me. Why are you keeping it secret? And why did you lie to me? Did you honestly think I would think more of you if you kept it a secret? I need you to tell you parents. You don't have to make it big, explain the situation with them, that there's this nice guy you want to go out on a date with, and describe him. They will naturally make a fuss over it, but that's to be expected, especially when their daughter's first date is with a guy four years older than her.

This is really hurting me right now, as in I haven't been able to stop crying on and off since yesterday and have hit random, unfeeling objects. This... in retrospect is something really silly to get this upset over, I suppose. But it's actually hurting me. You were the only other person besides mom I could honestly say I trusted. I'm not telling you this to make you upset, just to show how concerned I am.

I've tried to give unbiased judgements for a long time, and I've done my best to ignore my feelings when it comes to important relationships with friends and family. I'm doing that now. You've lied on my count, three times, in I think a week or two. You lied to Joy, I'm not sure if you've lied to you parents about going to the mall, you're lying to them about the date, and you lied to me.

I would like to talk to you tomorrow after school, somewhere where we can talk in private because I'm not sure if I'll break down again, and I don't like people seeing me like that. I'm telling you this now though. If you don't tell your parents by Wednesday of next week, I am. Say I'm the worst friend on the planet, say you hate me, say that I don't know what it's like, say I'm making a bad choice, I'm not even sure you'll want to be friends with me after this.

But I have to make choices I don't always like, if I believe they'll be the better alternative of the two for everyone involved. Me? I have no doubt in my head that this isn't better for me. It would be better for me to keep my mouth shut and get over it. One of the reasons I'm worried about you going out with Cameron? Talking with Taylor, as you know he HAD been planning on asking you out on Friday (the same asking out I was warning you about, trying to delay, trying to make more comfortable because Taylor is stubborn, trying to put off entirely), he's mainly Cameron's friend. However, Cameron had said that if Taylor was turned down by you, he would ask you out himself.

This makes me pissed because it makes you sound like your some object that can be bet on, and because possibly (possibly) he may just be going on a date with you to piss off Taylor, because he likes you so much.

There's much more I wish I could say properly, and I hope you won''t hate me after this."

Here's hers;

"Worried about me hating you?
I'm a hell of a lot more worried about you hating me.
Joy and I talked (kind of) in first block, and yeah. I've realized I've been a really big bitch, and I've realized that I'm going the wrong way, and I've stopped.

I've been thinking about it, and I intend to tell my mother soon.
Also, I can see your concerns, and they aren't unfounded, but you've also only been talking to TS. For that matter, I'm a bit angry about everybody's take on this.
I don't want to date Taylor, and I never will. I'm not saying it's just you saying this, but I wanna clarify that I really only like him as a friend.

Speaking of friends, I oughta smack you.
Not wanna be friends?
After all this, you think I don't wanna be friends?
Andrea, you're my best friend. I wouldn't not wanna be your friend.

I was keeping it a secret because... god, I dunno. It's just that you all think I'm a whore anyways, and I'm not, and this is the first guy who I like who likes me back, and he's a senior, and my parents probably aren't going to let me date him, and I just wanted to feel liked for a bit before I'd have to stop.

And it's like, everybody seems to think that I sleep around, and I honestly don't know if you guys mean it or not, but you all make it out like I'm some sort of fucking Jezebel, and I haven't even kissed a guy before, much less go any further, and it's already a somewhat sticky situation with the age difference, and it could look like he's just dating me to 'get some ass', or what the hell ever, which is not the case, but I just didn't want you to think badly of me because you're my big sister, and what you think really matters to me, and if you thought of me that way, it'd just kill me, but sometimes it almost feels like I've got another mother in you, in how you're always so responsible and perfect, and I just feel like you judge me a lot in the things that I do that aren't entirely responsible or mature, and this is neither, but I just didn't want you to judge me too.

I'm really sorry about all this."

And here's mine, sent about three hours ago;

"Actually, even though it's not much more, I've been talking to Joy as well. And I'm not interested in getting you to date Taylor. I don't fricking care.

A whore? You wanna know who's called you a whore the most? You. I never even heard anyone call you a whore until you started, and even then people still felt uncomfortable saying it, I've SEEN them. You set yourself up for that one. Once again, I was talking to Joy, she says herself your not a whore. Flirty, yes, but not whorish. No one thinks you 'sleep around', you put those thoughts in your own head.

Maybe we're worried about you because we should be? A friend of mine had been in the car with him before you turned fourteen, and heard him say 'Ya, if she wasn't thirteen, I'd totally :***: her.'. I know you said on the phone that you don't really care about the age differences, and that it's relative, or something like that. Have you considered that since he's eighteen, he's MOST LIKELY had sex already? It wouldn't be surprising to me if he expected the same of you.

Ya, me, 'perfect'. It's not like I popped out of the :***: womb like this. I've gone through hell and back to get to the person I am today. I learned that I need to think out things, that I need to weigh the consequences. This isn't a matter of 'perfection', it's a matter of not wanting to be hurt again, and have others hurt the same way I was, and still am. I make my own share of mistakes, and I pay for them and hate myself because of them, and I try to learn. But even 'perfect' me can't seem to make all the smart decisions. Somehow I still manage to be a :***: idiot and fool.

If I was perfect, I would have known after the divorce I can't trust anyone. "

In all truth, the last email I sent I had lost my temper quite a bit. But I meant everything I said, so I can't apologize for the content. Today I chose for the first time in about a month I decided I wasn't going to sit under my tree, and I decided to go hang out with my friends. I see John with his arm around Jane about twenty yards away, and she's purposely setting herself away from us. I was a little angry, but nothing big. I tried my best to ignore them and enjoy myself (which completely failed). Jane comes up when we're about to leave because we carpool together, and after walking a few feet asks me, "Is is just me, or is everyone pissed at me?" No duh Sherlock, though they're more angry at the guy.

I told her that she had to ask them themselves, because I didn't want to get involved in more drama. Wrong. After about two yards of silence she explodes, yelling that "You guys shouldn't be so angry just because I don't choose to spend all my time with you guys!" I'm stunned, and she storms off to the car. Once again, like the weak little fag I am, was in tears again. About five minutes into the car ride she tried to apologize again, saying it wasn't directed at me.

So here I am, a disgusting mess. I'm not even sure I can call her a friend anymore. I would like to say I am, I would like to say she'll always be my best friend, but I'm kind of dead now. I know I sound like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I guess I've been irritated all along with our friendship and it's finally just burst out. I don't think she's the best friend, nor the best influence. When I was checking with her mom today to see if Jane had told her like she said she had (this is the icing on the cake), she comes out completely defensive. "I can't keep her locked up in a box all her life". I'm sorry, you're right. It was completely wrong of me to try and keep her from lying to you. Have fun.

Yeah... Okay, I think I'm done. For now.:icon_sad: I'm not even bothering to preview read it so I apologize in advance for spelling mistakes and repetition.

 

We're both in AP classes so we have to be good, else the teachers will kill us. I know I get angry at my phone and refuse to text because it doesn't have the semicolon button.:icon_bigg By the way, sorry I forgot to change the names in the emails. That must have made the superlong rant even MORE confusing.

Yeah, I sent an email to her this morning apologizing for the harshness of the last email and said I could have expressed myself better.

I don't want to kill off the friendship either. It's weird to think of my life without her because she's so predominant in it. Literally she's like my sister. I've talked to some of the other friends, and they're bothered by it too. The other friend (Joy) who I mentioned earlier, is just as upset as me over it. I think the main reason she's so worried is because she knows this guy a heck of a lot better than me. Trouble was hearing about all of this got me even more worried, which isn't good. I was brushing my hair this morning and I found a gray hair. I'm getting old!

I'm feeling much better this morning because I called a friend after I posted all of this and talked to him. He didn't even ask why I was so upset (which is a good thing, I asked for him to distract me), and just started talking about completely unrelated things.

You're right, I need to realize that she's gonna see John no matter what I say. I don't think we'll be as close of friends, but that's to be expected after all of this. It'll take a while to even get to that point again. But I'll be there for her like the big sister I am. I'll let her figure out the situation with this guy in her own time. Thank you so much for the helpful words Mestiz. (*hug*) I guess I just needed advice from someone who wasn't emotionally wrapped up in this.