Hi all! I need advice. My brother is gay, but is being brainwashed by my mother. She is christian and has him believing that being gay is wrong and of the devil. He has tried so hard to suppress his true feelings and play along, but he can't do it all the time. He was basically kicked out of a christian college because he is gay. He couldn't take hiding it anymore and just flat out told everyone he was gay. Of course they freaked out held a prayer vigil, scaring him half to death. He lives with my mom now and she is so controlling and he is an introvert. She has him believing that it is wrong to be gay and has him taking some medication that she says will not make him gay. Crazy I know. Seriously I almost can't even talk to him about it cuz he is starting to believe this nonsense. I almost not sure what to do. The depression and detachment from reality is what scares me. I've been down a similar path and it doesn't lead anywhere good. I just want my brother to be happy, I feel like verbally punching my mom in the face. Alienation from that side of my family wouldn't be the worst, but making an issue wont' do my bro any good. So I'm not sure what else to do. I love him and just want him to be happy. Thanks in advance. I'm thinking about taking him out to lunch, away from all the crazies, and try to get him to open up. Just so I can tell him mom is coo-coo for co-co puffs, and if he want's fruity pebbles there is not a damn thing wrong with that! I am getting upset just writing this. :bang:
I think you should definitely take some time to talk to him alone. Let him know you are there for him nd that his mom isnt always right. He needs to understand that being gay isnt in any way a bad/wrong thing. You could even introduce him to EC. Im sure hell more support on here. Good luck with this, im sure things will work out!
Hey there, welcome to EC! First off just let me say that you are a pretty awesome to care about your brother so much. I wish my siblings were more like you. I am sorry that your brother has to go through this though, it sucks. My mom is the same way, however I am not out to her. If I was she would prolly be putting me through the same stuff your mom is putting your brother through. I cant imagine how your brother must feel. I think that taking him out to lunch and getting him to open up to you would be a good thing to do. I bet he really just needs someone to talk to. If he continues to suppress his feelings the way he has been I think that things will just get worse in the future. You have a good heart though and the best thing you can do for your brother is just be there for him, be his support because it seems like you are his only advocate right now. Let him know that you love him no matter what and that you will always be there for him. I hope that your mom will eventually back down and love her son for WHO he is and not WHAT he is. It seems like he is pretty brave though, coming out to everyone and all. I believe in God, and I believe that God does not make mistakes. We are who we are, and that can not be changed, no matter how much your mom might want it to. Just hang in there and continue to be supportive. Keep us updated. Good luck man.
Welcome to EC! I'm missing a few pieces of the puzzle, but let me make it obvious what has to happen - your brother's gotta get the hell out of Dodge. Dodge in this instance being your parents place. Once he's on his own, he'll technically be able to shut out his mother to whatever degree he sees fit. Since he was kicked out a college, I'm guessing he's at least 18. But I'm assuming he's nowhere near financially stable. So question for you. You seem to be older than your brother, judging by your "I've been down a similar path" bit. Are you on your own? If so, can YOU give your brother an alternate place to live? Someplace where he can get his head back together, and start living an independent (and assumedly gay and out) life? Lex
You're an awesome brother, and the lunch thing is probably a good idea. Plant the seed in his head for being independent of the crazy family and trying to find an alternative living situation, or any college that isn't a private christian school. Perhaps one with a prominent gay club? If he's introverted he may need your hands-on help with this... But he needs to be out of the environment immediately, that shit can cause permanent issues.
I think you're an awesome brother,too.Your brother is really lucky to have you on his side. Maybe you could give him the name of this site. Many people here have helped and been helped by their peers. Another suggestion,ask him to watch the movie Prayers for Bobby. It is very much like what he is going through,with your mom. It may help him to understand that it's okay to be gay and that he is NOT going to Hell,for being gay. I also agree that he needs to distance himself from your mother. He needs help,support and encouragement,not belittling and told he's wrong,for how he feels. I hope it all works out with all of you. Keep standing by him and let him know that you love him and accept him,as he is. You're doing great,so far. Good luck.
Like Mickey said, watch Prayers for Bobby with him! Then watch "For the bible tells me so". Prayers for Bobby is a story about a child growing up in a Conservative Christian home who comes out to his mother and has a bad reaction. She tries to convert him through various means, ends up going physco and driving him SO far away that he faces her with the question "You either have a gay son or no son at all" and she actully chooses the second option. He leaves, and ends up committing suicide. That act causes the mother to re-think her beliefs and values. Over-all its a MUST see for anyone even remotly close to that situation. For the bible tells me so is a documentary of different REAL life stories and people who went through the Christian faith as gay and had to find there place in it. Everything from mothers who rejected there gay sons to gay pastors and gay friendly churches are shown. It hits on alot of topics and basically is just an amazing documentary for ALL gay people and people with gay family or friends to watch. BOTH of these are viewable on Youtube, and i have all the links to them here: Prayers for Bobby http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showpost.php?p=445794&postcount=47 For the bible tells me so http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showpost.php?p=444011&postcount=10
Welcome to EC. First thing, your brother is very lucky to have you, because he certainly needs some help and needs to hear that there is nothing wrong with him. As Lex said, living with your mother is certainly not a good thing for your brother. It would be great if you can offer him an alternative place to live, but even if you can't you can surely do things to help. You can of course talk to him, and told him that you love him just the way he is. You can take him away from your mother's place as often as you can to give him some space. You can try to contact a support group, like Pflag and bring him there. You can bring him to EC too. I think that the more you brother will hear that there is nothing wrong with him, the better it would be. One more thing. You said your brother started to believe the things he is told by your mother and he is probably very confused. Be prepared to face a rejection from your brother, because he might be confused even more by you telling him the opposite of what he is told by your mother. If you have to face an aggressive reaction from your brother, please, don't take it personnaly and stay here for him even if it's not easy, because he needs you help and will ask for it sooner or later. Take care, Eleanor
Hey man your brother is lucky to have you. He is in a really fucked up situation, and it sounds like he needs someone to have his best interests at heart, it sounds like you can be that person. First of all he needs someone in his ear telling him the truth, that it is not wrong, and that it is quite normal. As well as feeling alianated he may be feeling really lonely. The combination of being gay, and told its wrong, and not having any gay people to be around to help you realise its normal, or not having a gay person to look up to can be a recipe for disaster. I think once being gay becomes part of his life - as in having a healthy gay social life the damage your mum has done will start to be repaired. Also try and get him to move out. If your in a position to help him that would be awesome. Good luck man.
First of all: you're an awesome brother in my book already. Risking your family's displeasure is no mean feat. I'd add my voice to the chorus saying that you should spend more time with him. You could talk to him aout how there's nothing wrong with being gay, but if he doesn't react well to that, I'd say it's best to drop the subject and talk about whatever he's interested in at the moment. You don't want to make him uncomfortable even further. He might just be in need of someone that doesn't want to spend every waking moment to brainwash him for a change. Getting kicked out of a Christian college does not need to be all that big of a disaster, actually. Most of those do not give out diplomas that are universally valid anyway. I've read many an article about people who only could get jobs in the church after graduating them, as no one else acknowledged their degrees. Some of those colleges are more traps than serious institutions of higher learning.
your doing an awesome job just by being there for your brother. and keep it up! hell need it! and not to scare u, but ive read about situations like this and they never end up good- usually with the gay person commiting suicide. but, if your there, which u obviously are, and just let him know that theres nothing wrong with him, you will b doing him a world of good. and ps- i loved the fruity pebbles joke- priceless!
I totally agree with Lex. After he's out, then send your mother a copy of For the Bible Tells me So. This woman needs an education. What the hell kind of drug is she forcing him to take? This baffles me! I've never heard of such a thing.
i think it would be best to interduse him to ths site...Maybe it will help him with his sexuality.... show him that its alright to be gay....and im gld he has a bro like you....your a good brother for handling this with respect...shows you care!!!(*hug*)
that makes me sad, i cant stand when people use religion as a lashing, which is why o dont subscribe. I think you should take him out for sure, and you should know that you are an awesome brother to do that, i am fortunate to have a loving family with five brothers all of whom are as great to me as you are to your brother. let us know how goes, and again you rock
your a great brother i think youo need to get your brother away for a while and let him know no matter what mummy says shes wrong the fact is in this messed up crazy world there are more important things than who you love be it man or woman all that matters should be that your a good person. you really need to have it out with her when your bros not around get as much info off the internet or books support your argument and throw it all at her crushing her religous argument its her problem not your brothers shes ignorant to the reality and needs help understanding and she cant run his life you wont let her . i know i sound mean and heartless but people get so stuck in there stuborness unless you really take them to task they jsut ignore you and say your wrong and carry on and you cant jsut berate her once you have to keep reminding until it sinks in good luck your a great guy take care of your bro i hope it all works out i wish you both happyness
First thanks everyone for the advice, help, and support. I've been down many different paths, abandoned as a child, abused, don't even ask about high school. I was late bloomer, I sounded like Mariah Carey till I was a senior, tough times. 13yr cousin died from leukemia recently. I could go on forever, I have been through more than most (fully aware that I am better off than 97% of the world), I understand how lucky I am to have been to have gone through those things to help others. My brother is really closing up and it scares me. She shelters him so much. My mom has no idea what road she is leading him down. I've had some chats with my mom privately, nothing heated, but getting close. I tell her even in her religon the bible says love the sinner not the sin. You have every right to believe what you want, but don't let that effect the well being of your own offspring! She just sticks with the same old "adam & eve, not adam and steve). I tell here nice rhyme, but how does that solve the issue at hand. She says there is no issue, he just needs Jesus. Then she starts making quotes. I ask her how many of those quotes have you actually researched, most things are taking out of context (even though I did the same). The key to winning a conversation is misdirection. I am doing more research to get a better way to express my feelings and intent with logic, hense my new account with EC. Although logic can be a lost art these days. I can't get him on EC, cuz my mom is a computer consultant so she monitors everything he does. Very controlling. When I spoke of a similar path. I was addicted to OCs or pretty much anything I could get my hands on for about 3 years. I finally told my family and was told it was demons and the devil blah blah blah. Having to overcome that monkey (with medical help only) was one of the hardest things. So I have an idea what it's like to have no where to turn and give up hope. That is a dark and dangerous path. Not that I can fully understand what my brother is going through. Years ago I was a strong part of their "community" and shared their beliefs, but then one day I woke up. I am already the black sheep of the family, so I don't have too much to lose, but my bro does. I was just recently laid off as a sales manager, young dumb, making 6figs at 23, and nothing to show but a lot of blurry memories. I wish I was in a financial position again to put him up in an apartment and let him be himself. My whole family is crazy christian. Obviously nothing against spiritual preference, but the extremes are what gets me. Westboro anyone? Has anyone seen the video of the fraternity dancing in front of the Westboro protestors. Cracks me up everytime. Here ya go. http://www.break.com/index/funny-frat-dances-for-baptist-protestors.html Side note, my parents are divorced and remarried. I also have the same situation with my brother on my dad's side. I've known he's had a little sugar in his tank for a long time. So I am just waiting for that to come to fruitition... I think I am going to put those two videos on a flash drive so she can't track it. Just thought of this, the library has internet access she can't monitor. Wonder if that is an option... If anyone has any more ideas please let me know. Just wanted to use some smiles, saw this and reminded me of my mom and I arguing :starwars: I just want my brother to do one of these (!) Sorry if my posts tend to wonder I am ADHD and prefer no meds, so I can just randomly ramble on forever and I am to lazy for spell check. :icon_bigg
Everyone so far has said you need to tell your brother that being gay is no sin - and they're absolutely right. Also tell him that you love him, no matter what happens, no matter who he is, just because he's your brother - being told that what and who you are is abominable is terrifyingly lonely. There's also some info relating to un-straightness and Christianity here, which could help your brother, and could also help you win your arguments with your mother. Well done for sticking by him, sounds like he couldn't ask for a better brother or friend.
^^^^^ This. If your brother's old enough to get kicked out of a "Christian" college, he's probably not a minor anymore. That said, he NEEDS to get out of that house. For good. Hopefully he can find a friend or perhaps an older brother :icon_wink:icon_wink that could help him out in that regard. If he stays in such a toxic environment with his mother, it can't end well. It just can't. It's possible for someone to make it through college on their own without financial help of any kind from parents. I know this because I did it. My parents contributed nothing toward my college education, and in fact they only stepped foot on campus once-when I graduated. This is not to say that it's easy, but it can be done, and in the case of your brother, it NEEDS to be done. I will echo the comments of everyone else and give you a world of credit for coming here to help your brother. It's incredibly noble of you, and your brother is lucky to have you. Get him out. Get him out of his mother's house. Get him out now before it's too late. (*hug*)(*hug*)
