... when it takes nearly 10 years of straight marriage to realize that you don't ever want to be touched by a man (that way) again. Interestingly, i have a friend in the USA who was in a very similar marriage, with 2 kids and now she's in her own happily ever after with her girlfriend/wife to be. It's not easy to accept that or to take any steps towards change,so i'll be very eager to accept any advice or insight. Coming from a lonely place,any communication here has a price of gold for me. I really appreciate that this page exists. I feel so much better just writing this stuff down. Is it okay to carry on throughout your teenage years into adulthood and consider yourself straight while from time to time feeling weak in the knees after seeing a female that appears beautiful to you? Denying any suspicions by standard statements of "appreciating the beauty" and being "an artist"?:help:
Hey natalielight, We all journey to understand out sexuality at our own rate. It can be hard to come to an understanding and acceptance of our sexuality if it is other than heterosexual. Overcoming societal, religious, and even family influences and expectations about what is ‘normal’ can hinder or even sidetrack us significantly in that journey. Those influences and expectations can cause us to doubt and deny what we really feel inside. IMO, the important thing is to finally come to that understanding and acceptance of our own sexuality, no matter how long the journey. Take Care.
Hi natalielight, First, I want to welcome you to EC! This place is a great forum for everyone on a journey to self acceptance. It's a place where you can just vent your frustrations, ask questions, interact with others, and sometimes to just know that you're not alone. Feeling alone, like no one will understand you, is so strong is my own story. I've been there, and not all that long ago, and so many others here as well, so we're all here to support you and help you through this. Those of us who struggle to reach acceptance of our homosexuality later in life have some particular challenges in both our self acceptance as well as coming out of the closet. Sometimes it's marriages, kids, and a life built around them, as well as marital assets like houses and mutual debt. But us later in life folks have unique challenges such as shame for waiting so long, for getting married to opposite-sex spouses, and for denying who we are for so long. In order to move forward, it's helpful to take small steps and just focus on that part. Part of self-acceptance includes abandoning the shame of waiting so long. You were born in the mid-1960's and came of age in the 80's. Same as me. I know your struggle so well. It is not your fault that society taught you that being gay was bad and that you should be ashamed of yourself if you are. We didn't have role models to emulate. Ellen was many, many years away. Forgive yourself for being afraid, for wanting to be normal, for wanting a normal life, for wanting to make your parents proud, and for wanting to do what everyone expected you to do. Forgiving myself of all of those things helped me to finally be at peace with what I have done, and given me the courage to move forward in my life. So, pull up a chair and stay awhile, and let's take this journey together! ride: Take care.
Quantumreality, What you wrote is beautiful and has really touched my heart. It means a lot to me, thank you. Just today I was thinking about how hard is to admit how you really feel-not even to society or co-workers and etc.,but to your own self, to admit, clearly and without trying to sugar coat,that "yes,this is how I feel,this is who I am,this is who I'm attracted to". The questions that arise inside are various-were 30+ years of my life a mistake then? A joke? A misunderstanding? How do I admit in front of my spouse that I do not want to be with him anymore, that I simply can't be with him anymore? I'm starting to learn that life is actually a journey and I have to move slowly and thread gently. With the support of this wonderful community and firm belief I hope everything will work out just fine in the end. But I admit it's a scary ride at the moment. ---------- Post added 23rd Oct 2016 at 07:44 PM ---------- Hi Imgay47, your reply gave me so much inspiration and so much encouragement, it means more to me than I could ever express. It's scary going against the norm,isn't it? Especially with so much hatred going around, with people ready to mock and humiliate and make jokes. To actually be ready to take that step feels both completely horrifying and...wonderful..if that makes any sense. It's finally being yourself,finding yourself. It's like being born again. Thank you for accepting and welcoming me here, thank you for such a clear message of support and acceptance. (&&&)
Yes! I know, it is hard to believe, isn't it? But you'll see that many people here are in that same boat! For myself, I experimented sexually with women, had tons of gay friends, preferred gay bars, went to pride marches, always found women physically attractive, etc throughout my youth and still never clued into the idea that I was gay. Now, 15 years with my straight husband later, I am realizing 'oh my gosh what did I do??'... all of a sudden everything seems clear, but now I am in the very difficult place of trying to explain this all to my husband/family/community at this stage in my life.
Hi stretching, I find myself in a very similar place. Nearly 10 years of marriage, children, certain "reputation" and here I go, feeling a bit like a teenager, hoping that it will all somehow fall into place. I hope everything works out for you,too.
