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Lying again and again

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ArabMan, Mar 28, 2009.

  1. ArabMan

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    So here I am, made a tremendous personnal effort in understanding and accepting my sexuality and I'm still living a lie...

    I'm just tired and I have a hard time stopping, it's as if it's a defense mechanism I have built within me.

    I was having drinks with friends yesterday evening and I started talking about the latest girl I met, and yes she's outstanding, yes she's hot, yes she's into me but I'm not. I do not fancy girls and YET I'm still pursuing this "relationship", calling her regularly (I'm seing her tonight), telling my friends about how great she is, blablabla only to dump her sooner or later.

    I'm using her as a protection tool to keep my homosexuality hidden... It's horrible... Wow, just writting it makes me realise how crazy this is! I mean I enjoy her company, we laugh a lot and have our crazy weird fun together but I simply don't like her as much as men.

    I should just stop lying and pursuing this path but it's not easy I swear it's as if I was programmed. I'll figure something out, I just needed to vent and talk about my worries.

    Thanks for being there
     
  2. Peter76

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    Ive been there...and got tired of the lying, especially when I lied to my family and friends about where I was going, who I was meeting. But it is a defence mechanism so don't be too hard on yourself... it is really tough.

    Having said that, it isn't fair on this girl you are dating. If you genuinely like being with her, invest in a friendship with her, but in fairness to her, you need to be clear that it is only friendship that you want.

    Only come out when you feel ready too, and remember, if you are not ready but dont want to lie, just say nothing....

    Take care.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! It's not crazy, your are doing it to protect yourself. As you said, this is your defense mechanism. That said, and as Peter mentioned, it is not fair on her nor on you for that matter to continue that 'relationship'. Maybe until you feel that you are ready to come out to your friends, maybe stop trying to pursue relationships with girls. The more you pursue these relationships, the more you might find yourself under emotional distress because you know this is not you.

    Coming out is hard, but if you do take it slow and start being true to yourself it can make it a bit easier. A thing that I tell others is perhaps try to join a LGBT group. Joining a LGBT group can help a bit in terms of starting to feel more comfortable with ones sexuality and it could also help with coming out.

    You have accepted yourself and you know who you are. If you feel that you are ready to come out and end the hiding, than maybe start thinking about a friend to whom you could come out to. Are your friends supportive and accepting? If you feel that they are, then ask yourself, why is that I am not coming out? Would it not be better if I'm just myself around my friends?

    Hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
     
  4. sdc91

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    It's better to end the relationship sooner than later to avoid those majorly broken hearts. Of course, don't do anything without thinking it through totally. You don't want to get yourself into situations. Good luck with breaking down that defense mechanism you've got there!
     
  5. Eleanor Rigby

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    First of all I send you many many (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
    Stop blaming yourself. You are acting this way to protect yourself and that's ok to feel insecure.
    Now, as the others have said, it's not fair for the girl you are seeing, and you'd better stop giving her fals hopes.
    If you are not ready to come out to your friends that's ok, but you should stop pretending you like girls, because you are just making your path harder. If you keep pretending you like girls, it could make it even harder for you to come out to your friends one day.
    Take care, Eleanor (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  6. Idk I'm split here. Cause on the one hand you shouldn't string her along, but on the other hand I'm a person who will do whatever I have to to prevent people from finding out about my gayness cause I don't want people to know. And it isn't fair to the girl but at the same time I would appreciate the fact that being with her allowed others to not notice my gayness. So the moral side of me says to break it off with her but the selfish side of me says that using her as a cover is beneficial. So I'm not sure which would be the best course of action.
     
  7. Lexington

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    First off, the sooner you break the news to this woman, the better. And the news doesn't have to be "I'm gay", but it better be "nothing is going to happen". And it doesn't mean casting the woman away. After all, I have plenty of straight female friends, they're all outstanding, and some of them are damn hot, too. They just know nothing is going to happen. :slight_smile:

    If you are in fact ready to start coming out, perhaps a plan of attack is in order?

    Lex
     
  8. BasketCase

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    I do have sympathy with what you are going through but I dont think it is fair on her to keep this going.

    I'm not sure what the best way of ending it would be.