Hi, everyone. :smilewave I am a 22 y.o gay African man. I remember posting on this forum years ago when I was still comimg to terms with my sexuality. I also remember getting some great advice from wonderful EC members. Here I am, again, needing additional advice. Some background info: My parents are evangelical Christians. Think of a socially conservative and Christian African family. That's my fam. My mom is so religious she believes in all sorts of bs taught in evagelical churches these days: spirits, demons, witchcraft, the "presence", deliverance, etc. Dad is less religious but he is very abusive and old school. My siblings are also my ma. Every since I came out to myself I got into this long depression, and last week it felt like the whole world was going to end. Life didn't make any sense, my depression was seriously affecting my friendships, my school performance and my relationship with my family. I stopped going out, I stopped working out. I met this nice guy who really liked me but I was a mess, so we broke up. After that I stopped caring about my life and isolated myself in my room. 3 days ago, I woke up, grabbed my phone and without caring about anything I texted my mom. Me: Mother, do you love me? Her: Why are you asking me that? you're my son, my blood. Of course I love you. Me: I am homosexual. I'm sorry Her: Do you want to kill me? No. That's a sin, don't. Coming home now we need to talk about this. She took 3 hours to get home and I honestly those were the longest, the hardest, and most painful 3 hours of my entire life. I tell you. She came home and told me that she had been suspecting this because I never dated a girl, and unlike my brother, I never asked her any kind of dating advice. Man she cried a lot, said that she loves me, but it's difficult because she doesn't want me to die and spend eternity in hell. Mm My brother, on the other hand, was calm and took it easily. He said he doesn't agree with homosexuality per si, but that I am still his brother and nothing really changed. I really didn't see that coming. Then another nightmare began, mom said she loves me and won't throw me out of the house, but she won't accept my "choices". When I tried to explain her what it really meant to be homosexual, she said she doesn't wanna hear it. She thinks I am possessed by evil homosexual spirits sent by my grandparents (who are dead BTW) and that I need to be healed by God. Last night she brought someone from her church to help pray the gay away. It was awful and embarrassing. While I appreciate the fact that they didn't attack or disown me when I came out, I am at loss as to what I can do to make them see that I am a normal person, that homosexuality is not an evil thing, that it's beautiful and that I like the way I am. If any of you have experience dealing with conservative/religious family members, please help me out. Any piece of advice is welcome. ---------- Post added 27th Oct 2016 at 01:04 PM ---------- Oh, I forgot to mention how great it feels to be out. It's a priceless and incomparable feeling. I am facing many challenges right now, but I feel like a tremendous amount of weight has been taken off my back.
First of all, well done on releasing the pressure valve and coming out. I'm sure it was a hard thing to do, but it sounds like it was necessary, for you. No longer are you burdened by the secrecy of the closet. Evangelical Christians tend to believe every word of the Bible to be literally true and without error, even when one passage clearly contradicts another. They are prepared to perform mental gymnastics with the Bible, instead of facing up to the idea that it is not and never has been the infallible and final word of God. Worse still, they are rarely willing to listen to reason and it sounds like your parents - especially your Mother - fit the typical mould. It is encouraging that you didn't face outright rejection, but there is clearly an unwillingness from your mother to deviate from dogmatic beliefs. You could try to demonstrate a different Christian outlook to your parents, using the example of Archbishop Desmond Tutu Archbishop Desmond Tutu: Oppression of gays is 'new Apartheid' - NBC News You could also point out that there are thousands of affirming churches around the world (from all traditions) that accept and welcome gay people. See this website: Gay Affirming Christian Churches; Homosexuality & the Bible It should be clear that your parents evangelical understanding of Christianity is not the only way. They may believe it to be the only true way, but there are many millions of Christian people around the world who wouldn't dream of calling your sexuality a sinful choice that requires change or "praying away". Your parents must realise that, even if they refuse to accept it. The fact that your Mother doesn't want to hear what it means to be homosexual might make it a tall order to reason with her about her beliefs too. Many evangelicals are closed to listening when something, or someone challenges their ideas, but it might be worth a try. Final point... for almost 40 years an evangelical organisation called Exodus International attempted to repair homosexuality with prayer and other silly interventions, until finally giving up in 2013. On closing down their President said this: This was a public statement of apology and a final admission of failure from an evangelical organisation that had committed vast resources to changing sexuality. I hope many members of EC will take note.
Hi, Spray. That was one brave thing to do. Coming out to your mom like that. Each time I think about doing same, I sorta am held back by how the news would make her feel. She had made me "promise" not to do anything sexual with any woman after she asked if I and a close friend were lesbian partners. Then she prayed for me and asked God to forgive me, and make me make Heaven, not hell. When I think about these things... including what she has been through, I mean years of divorce and not having access to her kids for 8 years, really, I fear for her. I take been closeted as a sacrifice for love for her, but then I can't continue this way for long, can I?
Thank you so much, Patrick. For your wise words. So mom has been praying. A week ago she asked me if I still feel "those desires". I took that as an opportunity to tell her about the ineffectiveness of prayer in "repairing" homosexuality. I told her stories of gay people who have tried walking that path and failed. After that she stopped asking me about it and our relationship is slowly improving. Deep down I know they will never understand my homosexuality or take it as a natural thing. I am just glad there's no friction between us, for now that is. ---------- Post added 6th Nov 2016 at 04:47 PM ---------- I am so sorry for you sis. It's funny how we never want to disappoint our parents, even if that means sacrificing our happiness and well being. If they knew how hard it is for us, they'd never makes us promise such things. I am sorry to say this but we both know you can't continue living like this. You have a good heart, and I undertand that is what makes you want to protect your mother from having another disappointment in life, but your life is more important.
Since I am a African American gay man who comes from a very traditional religious family...I can relate to your issues with your mom not accepting your sexual identity and thinking you are possessed by evil spirits. I have an aunt who is very religious like your mom and her and I had a really close relationship until I came out to my mom and my mom betrayed me by telling everyone in our family about me being a gay man which I was cut off and abandoned by family altogether. Years later, I was raped and beaten by a so called close straight friend which resulted in my lungs and kidneys collapsing at the same and wound up in a coma for a substantial period of time. When I came out of the coma...all of my motor skills were intact because the doctors told me that although I was in this coma..my motor skills were functioning very well. Anyway...I remember one evening my aunt and one of her church members came to visit me. During this time since my lungs had collapsed I was not able to speak at all and had to write down in a journal what I wanted to say or respond to those who asks me questions. My aunt had told me that what had happened to me was God's way of punishing me for being a gay man and that I will suffer even more unless I give up my homosexual way right there and now or I will definitely go to hell. All of a sudden, her and this lady were on their knees reciting some kind of weird chant which scared the hell out of me. I immediately push the contact button and had the nurse escort them out of my room and to never come back. It took me over two years to get my life and my health back to some kind of noramalcy that was close to what I was prior to that incident. I am still considered as a miracle to all of my doctors due to the way I have excelled beyond all of their expectations. However, once I returned home...my mom had contacted a close friend of mine and told him the same thing as my aunt in regards to God was punishing me for being gay. What really bothered me in all honesty about all of my family is that no one wanted much to do with me because of my sexuality. However, whenever they were in some kind of financial situation or had a need that I could resolve for them...I was the best individual in the world until they got whatever they wanted out of me and then I was back to being the embarrassment to the family. So..what I am trying to say to you in regards to your parents is that you will not be able to change their views or how they feel about homosexuality especially if this is something that has been instilled with devout Christians from a traditional standpoint. So to speak when it comes to devout Christians...it is what it is. However, I am very proud of you for coming to terms and embracing the individual that you are. Hold on to your truth and keep moving forward. Eventually, you will learn to let matters be with your parents with the knowledge of knowing that God loves us all and like I would tell my aunt and mother...if God is so against homosexuality and all of us will never be able to enter the Gates of Heaven...then why is there so many of us here on Earth and wouldn't you think that if God was so against it that he would had made sure that gay people would had never exist considering that they were very present during those days as well. Right???? Something to really think about ...Take care of yourself...JS
