I'd honestly love to come out completely and just be myself all the time. The problem is that there are layers of reasons why I am crippled by fear. One layer is the people who've known me my whole life not understanding. Another layer is because I work at a convenience store, I don't want to be judged. I don't want my wife to love me any less than she already does. I feel like I am already lonely and harshly judged. If I came out, the abuse would only get worse. I feel like I am ready to come out but the world isn't ready for me. If the point of coming out is to end my suffering, it defeats the purpose. I feel pretty stuck and trapped. I really don't know what to do. I try to make money and art and not think about any of it.
AlishaBlack, I can empathize with you. When I came out, I was in a similar situation. I knew I'd loose everything and, catch even more hate that I already did. Pagan working in a Christian retreat that was managed by my ultra religious parents didn't go over too well. Then my BFF at the time was gay, so that was another area of contention for those around me but also the person that gave me the courage I needed to come out. You and I have the worst time trying to explain both our gender and sexuality, and coming out means a whole lot of trying to do that. 80% of the world is never going to get it, 10% will sort of git it, 5% mostly get it and, 5% totally get it. I came out back in 1982, so yeah, the world really wasn't ready for me. Still isn't but, I don't care, they can like me or lump it. I won't tell you it's going to be easy, or that it won't hurt and, be a total shite storm at fist because it will be just that. What I will tell you is that it's also very liberating and, it build inner strength and self confidence when you can say "Hey world, this is me and, I'm going to be me no matter what." When you can project that self confidence and, joy of being who you are, it's contagious and, attractive. People stop hating and start looking, wondering how you got the good life and they don't and, it's all about how you think and attitude.
I totally understand the fear, because that is what I am going through right now. I am not out to my mom, dad or any of my other family members. They are super religious, and they would most definitely judge me because I have heard them say harsh things about the LGBT community. Here is one suggestion I would suggest to you...I know you are married but maybe you could surround yourself with a group of people who would love and accept you for you. That is what I have done, and they are like family too me. Family isn't always about blood, it is about who you choose to be your family. Keep your chin up, and know that you are worth of love, and that you are a unique special person!
I was forced out in the military and subsequently discharged from my career. From that point on, I was adamant I'd never lie about my sexuality. I don't volunteer it necessarily but I'm not afraid to admit it either. It's come with ridicule, sure, but it has also led to me to some extremely close friendships that I would have prob never had. Especially working in a class A personality field as law enforcement! Family always comes around! My 87 year old gma called the other night, mad, because I haven't introduced her to my bf of 2 years! His family was harder. His mother disowned him for several months until his father talked some sense into her. After that, we have a great relationship. She even calls me just to talk now. Guess all this was just to say; it can be rough at first but the positives far outweigh the negatives. Live your life the way you want to. It's such a short gift. Those who matter will still be there.
