how to come out gradually

Hey imweirdman,

First, hello and welcome to EC!

Second, are you comfortable with your sexuality? I’m a firm believer that a person should both understand and accept their sexuality before Coming Out to anyone else. But it sounds like you are probably comfortable with your sexuality.

Each of us Comes Out (or not) at our own pace and on our own timeline. Most of us prefer to come out to a close friend first. If you are comfortable that your best friend will be accepting and will agree not to tell anyone else – in other words that he will respect your right to Come Out or not Come Out to other people on your own timeline – then he might be your best first choice. Or perhaps there is someone else that you feel that you can trust, who would be accepting and to whom you would feel comfortable Coming Out. I'm also very glad that you believe that your parents will be totally accepting. At least you have no worries there. But do you plan on Coming Out to them any time soon?

Unfortunately, in school situations, once you start telling multiple people, word tends to get around quickly because kids love to gossip. So, be sure that you are prepared for that. If there are kids that may bully you for being gay, perhaps it would be best to wait before Coming Out. Your safety and security is the most important consideration, right behind your comfort level with the idea of Coming Out. In terms of your social life crumbling if word got out that you are gay, that’s possible, of course. You know your peers and I don’t. But so many times we (LGBTQ people) fear the worst prior to Coming Out and our fears usually (thankfully) turn out to be totally unfounded. Plus, if anyone who is in your social circle can’t deal with the fact that you are gay, do you REALLY want them in your social circle? Just something to think about.

If you can truly trust your best friend and his girlfriend, maybe you only want to Come Out to them for now. Then, at least, you will have a support network and people with whom you can be open and just be yourself.

As far as hinting goes, you might mention LGBTQ issues that are in the news from time to time and show that you support LGBTQ rights, such as same-sex marriage (if you do actually support it, of course). You could also let slip that you think a certain guy looks cute and if you got a bad reaction from your friends, you could play it off as a joke or just say something like you meant that you really liked his hair style or clothes and were considering that for yourself… Things like that, perhaps.

I hope some of this may help.

 

Friends who don't accept you aren't really friends. You will probably find a whole bunch of new friends after coming out.

QuantumReality has great advice, and I agree with him that you should only come out to who you want to come out to, and only when you are ready.

When I came out, I did so with the firm conviction that I no longer cared who knew, so I was totally prepared for the rumor mill to spread the word that I'm gay. And it did. I'm now finding so many people who already know because people tell people. It's in our nature to want to tell others things we have learned, and gossip is one of the things people love to do. So, do be prepared for that because it will most likely happen.

On the plus side of that, it does limit the number of people you have to personally come out to.

Don't worry about the homophobes unless you think your personal safety is at risk. QR is right, that's the most important thing.

Good luck!! ride:

 

I'm not certain "want to come out gradually" and "if word got out that I was gay, my social life would literally crumble" can co-exist.

I think one of the two statements needs to have greater weight than the other. Until then, don't drop hints. You can't go back once out.

Sounds like the only people who matter, will have your back. Why care about the fly by night friends?

When you do get to the point of coming out, commenting on male stars and how they're hot is a good way to start. Actually, that really is all you need to do but when you do, be prepared for "WTF? Are you gay, man?" and be ready to answer when you drop hints.

Nothing more infuriating than having a hint dropped and being the receiver who doesn't know if you want to talk about it or not and they have to risk themselves in a way you are unsure of risking your own self. In fact, it's almost harder on them, because they are confused. You know what you're doing. They don't and didn't see the hint coming.

A great answer is "Yup. Might be!" or, or...