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Lonely

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by starbucksshoote, Mar 29, 2009.

  1. starbucksshoote

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    I've known I was gay for about ten years, but decided early on that it would be something that I would keep to myself, and not share with anyone. After going through some depression, I decided that this just wasn't the right answer, so last November, I moved to a new city where I have a lot of friends, and decided to slowly start telling people I was gay.

    Overall, their reaction has been very supportive - and I'm very appreciative of that. However, there are some issues which I've encountered for which I would very much appreciate everyone's advice.

    1. After moving, I moved in with a roommate. He's straight, and for the first few months I was almost certainly in-love with him. After a lot of work, this has subsided to a degree (just a few days ago I told him I was gay - he replied that he wasn't, but that he was still my friend). He has a girlfriend who is very nice (she lives in another city and goes to school there), and when he goes away, I am lonely. I realize that I am too dependant on my roommate for general companionship, but that doesn't always make things easier.

    2. Despite coming out to a small group of people, I do not want to live 100% out lifestyle (my work would make this very difficult). I would like to meet more people, but am very nervous about going to local clubs and attending group meetings. Again, I find myself frequently lonely, and would like to meet some new friends with whom I can share my new life. I'm not really looking for anything more than friendship at this time.

    I recognize that some of the limits I have placed on myself make this situation more difficult. However, I am older (30), and it took a lot to get just this far.

    I would value any advice people have - it is very much appreciated.
     
  2. The Enigma

    The Enigma Guest

    Go to a gay club, bar, or if you're in college just go there. College is like the gay guy breeding grounds.

    Best advice though, don't conform. Just be YOURSELF.
     
  3. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    Glad you've figured out the problem on #1. It's easy to rely too heavily on one person for friendships or companionship.

    As far as #2, well, there IS no "100% out lifestyle" per se. You might choose not to tell people at work - that's totally fine. But work is work, and once you leave work, you're free to do as you see fit. Not sure if you're concerned what would happen if someone from work saw you at a gay club, but the obvious answer is "What the hell were THEY doing there?" :slight_smile: And do recall that at most gay meetings, we've all been there. We all were closeted and unsure and scared about what it all meant. Everybody in that meeting will have been in your shoes at one point in their lives. So they generally go out of their way to be friendly and make you feel welcome. And if you'd rather just sit and watch the first time, they'll understand. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Hi there - and welcome to EC. I'm another person that came to accept I was gay a little later in life - mid 30s. If you read much in here you'll find a few threads that talk about emotions and attraction to people when we first accept ourselves as being gay and start to come out. It's like we're in highschool again and we're crushing on the first guy that we get even remotely close to. It happend to me, and a few other people here. So your feelings for your room mate are natural - even if they are frustrating.

    In terms of being lonely - just hanging out in here 'virtually' might help. You'll see that your problems and concerns aren't just yours - they are shared by many of us.

    You really should 'put yourself out there'. But don't expect to meet people in a night club or a bar. Join a club related to something you're interested in. Or sign up for a social club of some kind. Here in Toronto there is an LGBT organzation called 'Out and Out' - and they organize a wide range of social, sports, outdoors events for their gay members. It would be a great way to introduce yourself to some people and do something that you're interested in.

    Finally, you might also try a personals ad. I did - one of those 'online' free sites. I posted in the 'strictly platonic' section, saying I was looking for someone that could relate to my situation who wanted to have a beer and just talk about stuff. And I got several replies, and one of the guys I'm still good friends with today! It can work. What do you have to lose?

    Good luck. And again - welcome to Emptyclosets.
     
  5. Seanboy23

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    Jim said it best, and it was the same story for me, in fact VERY similar to yours. I've met some great friends at the bars/clubs, but there're also quite a few "hot messes". Like Jim, I also met some great friends through the online deal, and from just getting out there.

    I know it's all uneasy and new, but you'll get through. Trust me, it's been over a year and I STILL have times that I feel lonely and unsure of things. Only now, I just call one of those above-mentioned friends and talk or get together with them for support or to banish the lonely blues away.
     
  6. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    I don't know if I can give you any advice here, but as another 30+'er here (and pretty late figuring out that I'm part of the whole "gay world"), all I can say is that I understand exactly where you're coming from. I'm in much the same position - a handful of people know about me - but in my case they're pretty much all "paired off" - and I really don't yet feel comfortable to head for a gay bar or club on my own...

    (oh, and as a side point, I thought your username was a Battlestar Galactica reference until I saw the profile pic of the coffee... :icon_wink)
     
  7. SailingKoala

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    Again as another late Bloomer, it is encouraging for myself to hear, that my problems aren't just my own.. I doubt I can give much sound advice, although I feel with every little step you take things become a little clearer and easier. You have realised you depend on your housemate to much (As I have on my friend I came out to 1st). I have felt comfortable to visit the local gay bars - not everyone will ... (Felt very alone the first few visits - but you get to meet people). I have tried as was suggested the personal ad (Dating) type route but find that just doesn't work for me. Do something you feel comfortable with, to meet people, don't change yourself just to fit in. Check what local support groups and activities they might do, as JIM above said they will be full of people who have been through or going through simpler experiences. Also now you have found EC, you know there are always people to share your problems and queries with that Have either been there or going through it at the same time...

    "Everybody hurts, Take comfort in your Friends.....Cause Everybody hurts sometimes"
    great words by REM

    I hope my rambling words assist in some way
     
  8. someguy82

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    I can definitely appreciate your feelings in #2. I have slowly but surely been trying to be gay around other people, but the thought of doing much more than that is still somewhat terrifying and something I don't want. I'm sure there's a nice balance, but I certainly haven't struck it yet.
     
  9. starbucksshoote

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    Thank you all for the advice.

    This past week has been an interesting one. Whereas I was originally quite terrified of telling my roommate about my being gay, he has turned out to be incredibly supportive and helpful. Of course, that doesn't make it easier to become less reliant on him for companionship, but it has helped me keep perspective.

    I have discovered of late that I generally have two distinct and opposite reactions to situations - a rational one and an emotional one. In some ways, I feel that after having been guarded for so long about my sexuality, and having filtered and analyzed everything I said or did to maintain a public image of not being gay, when I finally stopped maintaining this image I also lost emotional control.

    I swing back and forth between angry, happy, sad, within the space of minutes - it's like being back in high school again ;-)

    I believe that as I get more used to this new identity, I will also regain both perspective and emotional control - or at least I hope this is the case.

    I am also relieved to know that it is not uncommon for newly out people to fall for the first guy they get close to - yes it is frustrating, and though selfish of me to say, not particularly fair ;-)

    For someguy82, I know exactly where you are with that - I think the terrifying thing comes at the beginning (I know that's how I feel). I haven't found that balance either.
     
  10. Jim1454

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    Yes - that's exactly how I felt. Like I would have felt in highschool had I been interested in the girls. That passes though. And when that passes, your emotions settle down too - and you feel like an adult again.

    Good luck!
     
  11. aerwolfen

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    i'm still on that emotional roller coaster,newly outed to my family and close friend,there are times i have my feeling in check,and out they pour,i'm so relieved that its not just me and this is truely what it feels to be gay,makes me more happy all over,what a revelation,and thankfully there are people here to help in this process,i just can only hope i don't embarrass myself during this process,.my boss at work told me to keep my panties up and be patient,i dam near lost it,confused,the idea of panties???lol,but still rude to say,come on people i'm not alone on this right!?i need a tissue.