I haven't seen my parents since I came out to them which was 2 months ago. I gave my mum a letter the day before I left to go back to university, we had a deep chat about it, and she showed my dad the letter a couple of days after, once I was gone. ( http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/220462-coming-out-family-move-forward.html ) At the time it was eating me up so much I just had to tell her before I left. I also told a couple of friends that I was then fairly set on women. But now? It's making me not want to go home. Imagining having to continue that deep chat with my mum and face my dad fills me with so much anxiety, and I want to avoid it for as long as possible. The reason I don't want to talk about it is because I don't f***ing know and I feel broken. I don't know who I am. I think I like this boy and I feel awful to have shocked my parents if I was wrong. What I'd wanted was their unconditional love and acceptance, I didn't mean to distress them. I wish I'd waited until I was sure or had someone to introduce to them. But then I've been unsure for 7 years and it was killing me, I needed to do something rash to move it forward. But I don't think I'll ever have the courage to be happy and discover myself - with anyone. I flit between asexual/bisexual/lesbian/potato depending on my mental state, my stress levels, how busy I am, who I'm hanging out with, maybe even the moon. And my level of sureness in who I am does too. Basically I feel like everyone's seen me naked or something and I just want to put my clothes back on and hide.
I dont have advice for you, but this was seriously the most relatable thing I have read all day. I am not out to anyone yet but I feel like sexuality is so private and especially when you are still figuring it all out. If I were in your situation, I would just say something like "I am attracted to people regardless of gender but I am still the same person, so I hope that this doesnt change our relationship. I am still trying to figure it out myself but I wanted to share this with you because you are my family and I want you to know me. That is all I want to say about it"... Then drop it and pretend like life is normal until it is. Thats me though. You have to figure out what works for you and your family. Dont sweat the labels. Seriously. Just live life and if you end up dating men, women, or nobody then great! The awkwardness will fade. Especially if they want to be apart of your life. theyll have to accept it and move on. they dont need all the details.. Hope this helps, and if not, at least you'l know youre not alone!
You sound exactly like me and the crazy roller coaster I've been on. I've been fighting the "am I straight or am I gay" battle for as long as I can remember. Thing is, I'm definitely not straight I like guys way too much but then girls catch my attention too, so the gay label doesn't stick either... I lean more towards guys 75% than girls 25% but it still confuses the hell out of me. I am totally monogamous and don't give my heart to someone very easily so experimentation has never really been much of an option for me. The gay friends I had all told me I was just in denial and really gay and my straight friends, well I didn't tell them anything. So technically I suppose I'm bi-sexual and from what you've described in your post it sounds like you might be too. That said, it's a label that I'm not comfortable with, mind you neither am I comfortable with the gay label because frankly I'm not. I find that trying to explain my sexuality to someone is a futile exercise as they tend to ask why don't you just pick a girl then or for that matter why don't you just pick a guy? Thing is, you can't pick who you are attracted to and in my own experience you can't pick whom you fall in love with. Suffice to say I think it's easier to be just straight or just gay but a luke warm answer of I'm somewhere in between just doesn't go down well with most people. And here is where our stories kinda merge... Two and a half years ago I had my first serious relationship and for the first time in my life fell in love with someone... He just happened to be a guy. It didn't take long for the town folk to figure things out and start gossiping, the fact that my boyfriend fell into another race group made the scandal just too juicy to resist in the little conservative town where I'm from. Of course the gossip reached my parents too who confronted me about it. To cut a long story short, I was outed by the town even though I never did anything in public i.e. kissing, hugging or holding hands except that I spend a lot of time hanging with my boyfriend, visiting friends, going out to restaurants and doing normal stuff together. So, my mom asked me whether I was gay... I didn't have the heart or guts to try and explain bi to her... so to her and the rest of the family I came out as gay even though I know that I'm not. I wish that I could have owned the bi label because as you said, there would be more freedom to explore and be myself, but I'm afraid my family won't understand and I couldn't go trough the trauma of trying to explain it to them. There where so much heartache and tears, I just wanted it to be over and done with. I'm guessing that your parents also took it hard and that it might have also caused them and you some heartache. The good news is that it does get better over time and somewhere down the line it doesn't matter anymore as long as you are happy. So, for you, you've broken the hard news and you've hit rock bottom from here on its upwards again. Your parents might want to discuss things, they might not, but as they haven't barred you from home I'd say you're in a very fortunate place that you still have them in your life and believe it or not you still have them on your side. So go home and go visit them, if they want to talk about it you can be honest with them and build a stronger relationship with them... It's amazing if your family is there to help you carry the load and from what you've written I'm pretty sure yours will be there for you. Yes it will take time for them to get used to all of this and yes they will have questions, but it's all part of the healing process and it's all part of giving and receiving love. There's a song with the following lyrics that have become the mantra of my life: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." So learn to love and allow yourself to receive love and all will be fine! D
Thank you SO much <3 Your reply helped me to feel a lot more settled. That's the truth, I told them because I needed them to know what I was going through. Yesterday my mind was telling me I shouldn't go on a date with this guy because I've told people that I like girls more than I like guys and if it works out then I've done all that for nothing. When actually I should just go on a date with him because I want to. ---------- Post added 7th Nov 2016 at 12:58 AM ---------- Thank you for such a full reply. I can relate a lot, its a horrible battle. I'm sorry you were outed like that and that your parents took it hard, I hope things are improving! I am lucky in that they didn't take it badly, just heavily. My mum was so shocked and emotional. I thought they'd be much more laid back about it. I've decided to go and visit, so thank you!
I'm glad you did. Somehow I just know everything will work out fine! PS, go on that date!!! You'll never know if you don't
Thanks! I went home and I spoke to both of my parents about it. They said that I have their unconditional love and support, that they just want me to be happy, and they agreed not to put any pressure on me. I am over the moon. Us all having a couple of months space to come to terms with things really helped. And my mum said "do you know, I believe more and more people are turning.. what is it called? you may have heard of it - bisexual..? that could be something to consider" bless her. I feel so fortunate and at the same time sad for so many who don't have this reaction. I hope more and more of society can change for the better..
I'm happy everything worked out well for you. While reading your post..I was thinking in regards to your parents that they may had just needed a little time to digest it all. However, its awesome that they are embracing and accepting you as the individual that you are. Take care and yes...go out on that date...
