Hi everybody! I had a tough moment of insight yesterday and just need to get it off my heart. This could get a bit long. Sorry for that! I haven't told anyone about my sexual orientation and me questioning my gender yet. Until yesterday I told myself I wasn't afraid of it but just waiting until I saw my friends and family in person to tell them. Over the weekend I attended a meeting of a voluntary organization I work with. We did a lot of discussing and had a really great time. Everybody there is just lovely. In fact, they're the most amazing bunch of people I know. One of our topics was how we as an organization deal with gender and LGBTQ+ related topics (we do voluntary work abroad and also in some countries where being part of the LGBTQ-Community can be difficult or dangerours). When the topic was introduced I just froze. I haven't had any conversations on LGBTQ+ related topics since the moment I realized I was pansexual. Now that the subject came up, I was suddenly terrified. I couldn't think clearly and my heart felt like someone was strangling it. I guess I was the closest to a panic attack I have ever come. I am normally a very assured person and not anxious at all. Now I felt like I was hiding a really important part of me. The thing is that I was sure if I just told everybody I was bisexual, the reaction would have been entirely positive. However, I didn't dare saying anything. It was kind of a scary situation with about twenty people in the room. So I thought to myself: "I will just tell person x, I really trust her." But I didn't dare doing that either. When I was on the train back home today, I felt terrible for not saying anything. I know I would feel so much better now, if I had come out. Besides, I feel kind of obliged to tell that group of people because I think my experiences could help to improve the discussion on gender and LGBTQ+. I really want to participate in that discussion, but I don't have the courage to do so and it makes me feel terrible. So that's what has happened. I don't really know what to do or how to overcome my fear. All my friends and my close family are very open-minded. I am quite sure they would be supportive. But I don't find the courage to open my mouth and I don't know how to start. If you have any advice, I'd be really grateful!
Hey, I don't know what is going on with you or what its like with the people around you - but a first coming out to a room of a bunch of peope really does sound a bit much and overwhelming sexual orientation is truly a personal matter - even some of us who are long out dont always go around announcing ourselves I definitey think starting out with close friends and/or family sounds better. Take it easy - its ok. Just, whatever is going on, easy does it. And don't beat yourself up - whatever is bothering you, its OK - you really dont have to announce yourself to a big room of people right off - esp if you have never told anyone. that's asking ALOT of someone. Would you expect that of anyone? NO! hahaha Anyways - easy does it, take your time, work things out - don't give yourself a heart attack!! start with people you are close to and trust, and work through it Take care!!
Well, now you know what a panic attack feels like. There is nothing like suffering to help us have compassion for other people. But OK, you need compassion too. I know you didn't go into this meeting thinking "Oh I hope I suffer today." But you also didn't go into this meeting thinking "Today I'll out myself." So it's totally normal to freeze when the topic suddenly came around to LGBTQ+. This sort of situation might happen again and you will be better prepared for it. And really, even if you come out to family and close friends, you will probably still not just announce it to new friends, co-workers, etc. Just like I don't announce my college degrees, proud of them though I am. So what you did was just fine. What you felt was just normal. And good luck feeling better. You will!
My heart goes out to you. I can imagine what that must have felt like. Please do know that coming out gets easier each time you do it. I certainly would not have come out to a large group as a first coming out experience. Sure, some people have done that using Facebook, but I was not that brave, nor does it sound like something you should do either. Don't worry about missing the opportunity to share your experiences with that group. That will not be the last discussion of LGBTQ+ that happens. If you are not out to anyone (as your profile suggests), I would start with a good friend that you know will be accepting. Then take it from there. Good luck! ride:
Thank you so much for your support. I feel much better today. I'll also certainly take your advice and take things slow. I have started saying "I am bisexual" to myself out loud every few hours to get used to the words. They still feel a bit strange but also just right. I am also thinking of telling a friend of mine who made a remark on how "everybody has a little bisexuality inside" some months ago (before I found out about my sexuality). I guess he'll understand best. After that I'll think about the next steps. Thanks again for listening to my thoughts. I don't know what I would do without this forum.
