I have only recently started to acknowledge my sexuality, although I think I've known in the back of my mind since I was 7-8. I'm currently in my 20s. I'm in a state of transition, and living with my parents for a year or two after college until I can get on my feet and firmly established somewhere. I live in what is basically the middle of nowhere. I am only out to 4 people, each of who live at least 4ish hours from me. There are no LGBT people near me. I am very closeted (which I feel guilty about sometimes). I guess I just want advice from other LGBT people who have been there, done that. I am stuck at home for now, due to circumstance. But I don't feel like I can come out at the moment - I will lose my family, my church, and pretty much everything in my life as I know it. It's kind of lonely. Any advice?
If coming out is not safe for you and you have no other option, you'll have to be careful and just fulfill yourself online. Join LGBT groups online and participate there. It's hard, but if you're in the middle of no where, there's not much choice. Is there a city nearby you? A lot of major cities have sone LGBT friendly place. Even if it's an hour away, it might do you some good to travel there at least once a month.
I am sorry about your challenges, and especially your loneliness. Living in a rural area--the middle of nowhere--and having family challenges can leave a person feeling utterly alone. Although it will not appear to help you immediately, please be aware that your belief that there are no LGBT people near you is certainly open to challenge. The problem is, however many there are will be as invisible to you, as you are to them. I'll give you an example. Although I grew up and lived for years in a big, liberal city, I now live in a suburban (very) rural area, that for all intents and purposes you could stereotype as conservative. I have met more gay people here than I ever was able to actually get to know in my old city. Recently, quite by accident I learned that a neighbor of mine, whom I'd never suspect of such a thing, is bisexual. This leads to some suggestions. You listed several disasters that await you, if you come out. If you saw a truck bearing down on you out on the road, you'd probably try to get out of the way. So my suggestion is, line up some replacements for some of the things you'll be missing, before the disaster arrives. While this won't work so splendidly with your family, it will with some of the other things. If you value your church, and want one that accepts you, start working on another option. Just down the road from me, there is a United Church of Christ that is "open and affirming," despite getting some disdain for it from some of the mainline churches, whose declining market share seems to engender some bitterness. The congregation at that church is indeed very accepting of LGBT people. The other, unspecified things in your life that you're sure you'll lose are in many cases replaceable as well. Expand your horizons, and challenge your boundaries to expand your social circle, locally and elsewhere. I know this may sound ludicrous, and I admit this is not going to be an overnight sensation, but take the time to start, slowly if necessary. Steve FS has made the suggestion that you rely more heavily on the distance-shrinking ability of the internet to reach out. This is a great idea. Your family, I cannot seriously suggest you replace, although many people develop what Kurt Vonnegut referred to as "synthetic relatives." Is there anyone in your extended family who might be accepting? If not, then the other support system you would build in time, will be very important. Just remember, the oldest person in any family transaction often gets the short end of the stick in a contest of bitterness, simply because of life expectancy. And also this: You are responsible for how you treat others, not for how they treat you. Living at home with your parents, and having these feelings of frustration, can lead to a terrible, trapped feeling with no control over your life. Getting yourself organized, to be self-reliant enough to have your own space, is an important first step. Being a person who has an engineer-type mind, I have a tendency to break problems down into logical steps. A less nerdy person would call it a "business plan" or just a "strategy." I think you need one designed for you first, and not to anyone else's specifications.
I also live in the middle of nowhere. Its over 100 miles to the nearest gay club. Sometimes it is super hard to not have contact with "your own kind" so I completely understand where you are coming from. I think in rural areas there many be more LGBT people than you think! We maybe are just more low key. You folks might be more understanding than you think?
Good to hear from someone who understands the struggle! There probably are more than I think. And no, my parents are not understanding at all. Very homophobic - like making comments about random lgbt people out in public, gays are going to be the end of the world, etc. I believe they love me, and I don't think they would ever disown me, but I do get told on a regular basis that gay and all LGBT people are disgusting. ---------- Post added 7th Nov 2016 at 07:12 AM ---------- Thank you all for your responses! This helps a lot! I am branching into the lgbt internet community and trying to connect with people, so I hope that will help. I hope to be gone in no more than two years and in my own space. Then, with some distance between us, I hope to come out to my parents, and I hope that all will be well. It's just hard in this intermittent space. I am from a conservative faith community (Baptist) where the family is a tight unit and controlling often, and it's been hard to break away and kind of be my own person. But I am making baby steps!
My dads favorite words are fucking queers. I think I always new I was different but am just kind of starting to accept it now. Parents are old so I am choosing to not tell them. Anytime you want or need someone to talk to...... Take Care Dean
The advice to find ways to connect yourself to other LGBT people via the Internet and other ways is outstanding. You should really work on creating your own support structure, your own community, so that when you come out (and when you get out-of your parent's house) you will have a network of friends and others who can be there for you. I am from a Baptist family as well, and although my coming out to them was not as traumatic as I had expected, it was SO helpful to have friends I could turn to afterwards. Use your energy and your ingenuity and you will find ways to make these kinds of connections no matter where you live.
