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coming out to close friend and parents - need advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by UmaMae, Nov 7, 2016.

  1. UmaMae

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    Hi people...

    so, first of all, the situation: after a few months of chaos and back and forth and insecurity im preetty sure that im bisexual (hate the word, i prefer, im both into men and women). I have a boyfriend, and we live (i know, a bi-prejudice, but thats what we decided) in an open relationship. so ... theoretically. in reality no one ever took the freedom. we just know we have it and its fine and no reason to break apart. after realizing im bi i realized a lot whole more about myself and who i really am. it brought me closer to my self. so i had a date with a woman for the first time on friday and it was great. (she is in the exact same situation as me, bi, boyfriend, hes fine with her meeting other people)

    so now to the coming out part.
    coming out to my parents and to a close friend are two different things.
    i would really like to read your thoughts on both


    1) coming out to a friend.
    actually i had all the morning a really strange feeling, i was nervous af and shaking and my guts felt like turning inside of me. after the date on friday im a little bit in a turmoil. it was better than i expected and had thrown me from grey theory to "wow, this is real, i really am bisexual, im not just fantasizing about it"
    so today i had this twisted feeling... and i wrote a close friend of mine, if we can meet on wendnesday, just to talk. i mean, that may be a little unusual, as we are normally meeting when other friends are around, but also always are having a good talk face to face, as we are sharing the same way home after events with other friends. so i invited him, telling him that we could just meet, so we dont need to talk our serious stuff just when we are walking home. so i didnt give any hint, that i would like to discuss something specific (in case i will change my mind a million times till wednesday)
    so even if i chicken out, its not awkward, because he could take it as just two good friends talking.
    now with my whole situation as it is... how to come out as bi best? he knows i have a boyfriend. and actually nobody of my friends know that im in an open relationship.
    so now I have the feeling I have to do a "double-coming out". first for the open relationship, and then for the bisexuality.

    also im no friend of the label itself, i think i would rather say, im both into men and women. and I wanted to get some advice of him for the next dates maybe.. or just talk about it. so my plan is like:
    oh hey, im dating someone. because, dont be shocked, im acutally in an open relationship. and, the person im dating is a woman.

    oh boy.... that feels like hitting him with an information overload. i dont know how to put it best, and i dont know if i should avoid the open relationship thing. (i think he would maybe take this more conservatively than me being bi. or maybe not at all. hard to say, i dont think hes very conservative)

    any ideas?

    2) parents.
    im not living with my parents, i moved out ten years ago, there is a distance of 300km (dunno the miles, sorry^^) i have a good relationship with them. they always told me i could come with anything. also i remember kinda coming out to my mom, even before i knew myself that im bi.
    i had a crush on a friend and i told my mom, i was crying, she was crying, because i was crying, but in the end was fine with it, and said she loved me no matter what. but after that i was only in relationships with men, so no need to worry really for her. maybe she even forgot about that (that was almost 8 years ago). that topic never came up again, also not in my mind.

    so... im visiting them in december (with my bf) and on christmas (without my bf)
    im wondering if i should tell them at all (as i have a bf, same thing here, the open relationship thing is kinda validating it, but im not so fond to talk about that with my parents)

    and is it better to just tell them earlier via phone? or then in person? but if I tell them via phone they have some time to process it. but its so unpersonal....

    same here, any advice?


    thank you very much for reading this... and thanks, if you feel to answer or share your thoughts on this.
     
  2. I'm gay

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    Hi UmaMae, (I love your Avatar, by the way!)

    1. Friend - I don't think that's information overload. I also don't think you should avoid the open relationship part as it would be hard to explain how you're not cheating on your boyfriend without admitting the open relationship. I would also suggest that you avoid telling the person you're coming out to that they're going to be shocked. I did that in my early coming out and dropped it pretty quickly because I realized that I don't really know if they will be shocked, and it's rather unfair for me to assume. Plus, it automatically put up false barriers for them - they may think they are supposed to be shocked because you told them they would be.

    2. Parents - I don't think doing it over the phone is a good idea, as you said it's too impersonal. I would suggest that you do this when you bf is there. It will help both you and your parents to have him there when you tell them. For your parents, they will see that he is ok with it, and that will help them to understand, and for you it will give you some to support you through it.

    Coming out to people is tough. I know, as I've been doing it for several months now and am out to almost everyone (just a few more to go!). Stay calm, you'll get through it.

    Take care and good luck! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:

    ps. Please let us know how it goes!
     
  3. UmaMae

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    Hi Imgay47
    thank you very much for your support! (and thanks for the compliment on my avatar :grin:)

    i also messaged with the girl about this today and i talked with my boyfriend. both are absolutely supportive and told me just to do it.
    thats so nice and it really encouraged me. all day i was really in the mood: ok im just gonna do it. whats the worst things to happen? my friend could just ditch me, but i have supportive people around me who im close to. (also i doubt it very highly that my friend would just decide to never meet me again. im expeting more a reaction like:... duh... yeah i thought so.)

    actually as soon as i knew it for myself i thought that it was so obvious in hindsight that im truly suprised nobody ever gave me any hint or tried to ask me about it.. but maybe that would also be a little rude or pressuring. or now im just afraid (or secretly hoping?) that everything about me screams: likes also girls

    there is a funny story with a colleague of mine.. we were doing small talk and i mentioned (obviously the first time to her) my boyfriend. and she was really .. shocked is not quite the word. but she said: oh... i never knew you had a BOYfriend. (in german, it sounded pretty much like she had thought that im gay)... funniest thing about it, i really liked that.

    so maybe the gay vibe is strong with me :grin:

    oooh im so nervous... tomorrow is the day. i hope i will just do it!
     
  4. UmaMae

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    meeeh.... one hour later and im questioning again.
    im afraid of being "special snowflakey"... like. why is that even important...
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    Hey UmaMae,

    It's not being a special snowflake to take the brave step of Coming Out to someone else.

    It's important mostly to you, but also affects how others may treat you in the sense that, knowing that you are Questioning or Bi, they should be more sensitive in any homophobic or biphobic comments they may make. It also allows you to just be you. For example, if you want to make a comment about a cute girl, you don't have to hold back or bite your tongue. You also can be an example to them and help educate them on sexuality, as the opportunity arises. Straight people are often amazingly ignorant about the spectrum of sexuality, probably because they never really have to think about it.

    I hope that helps a little.

    Good luck!:slight_smile:
     
  6. UmaMae

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    omg thank you guys for your support!

    I DID IT!! and it was awesome :grin:
    my friend was awesome. he reaaaally took it so well. he said he didnt expected it at all, but was totally fine with it.

    he even spent me a drink and said, congratulations to your new discovered sexuality :grin:

    omg he is an awesome friend, i dont have the words to describe how happy i am and how happy i am to have such a friend!
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    Congratulations!:thumbsup:
     
  8. Patrick7269

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    Way to go! You've taken a brave step and you are opening up space for yourself to just be you. Just bask in your awesomeness. :slight_smile: