Coming out to parents as Genderfluid

Hats · Nov 10, 2016

Hi everyone, I've written a draft coming out email for my parents. I'm a bit worried it's too long, but I'm struggling to shorten it. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I've tried to keep the tone light so as not to worry them unduly.

Dear Mum and Dad,

This email has taken me a long time to write because what I have to say is very difficult to admit to you: the recent determination of two things: first, my sexual orientation as pansexual (I can fall in love with anyone) and second, my gender identity as genderfluid. I am guessing that my gender identity is a harder concept to understand, so let me explain.

If a person identifies as genderfluid, it means that their internal sense of gender changes over time between two or more different gender identities. In my case, sometimes I feel I am a boy, sometimes a girl, and sometimes some mixture of the two. Genderfluid is one of the many identities which comes under the umbrella term of transgender (does not identify with gender assigned at birth) and also another umbrella term, non-binary (does not identify as male or female exclusively). An important concept to understand is that a core sense of being female is very different from simply feeling girly, and that gender identity (what you feel you are inside) and gender expression (e.g. how you dress, talk, etc) are not the same thing and are not necessarily congruent. In addition, gender identity and physical sex are separate categories and again the two may not be congruent. Because my gender isn’t stable, you can rest assured that I won’t be changing my body.

There is a widespread view both in and out of the LGBT community that non-binary identities are fake and made up by attention-seeking teenagers. For me this is absolutely not the case. When I started falling for [partner] I remember having the thought, “You can’t date her because you might not be straight and you might not be a boy.” This was the first time attraction towards a person had ever caused me to consider my gender, and with [partner’s] encouragement I did a lot of self-reflection to find out what was going on.
Finally I came out to [partner] on the 16th of June. Honestly, it felt great, because at last I had an explanation for a bunch of otherwise inexplicable feelings and thoughts throughout my life. One of the biggest was as recently as last Christmas when I met someone who identifies as genderfluid. I felt both threatened by and an affinity for them and also intense envy at their ability to present androgynously, i.e. noticeably not exclusively male or female. All of these feelings were at a core level, which would not happen for someone who was cisgender and simply envious of their fashion sense.
I kept a log of my shifts and my feelings around them in Excel for three months. I enclose my graphs with this email for your geeky pleasure. You can see there were a lot of shifts, sometimes several times a day. I didn’t want to come out to you before I’d accumulated enough data to get a good picture of how my shifts worked, and they have also served as strong evidence to kick me out of denial which was a big problem during this period even though I knew the truth.

You may be glad to know that understanding my identity has strengthened my faith rather than diminished it. The first Sunday after I came out I felt awful and nearly called it quits, but I felt God chasing after me to get me back. In addition, the concept of Jesus being both fully divine and human without the two aspects negating each other now makes perfect sense on an emotional as well as an intellectual level.
Please don’t feel that any of this is your fault. Someone’s gender identity cannot be changed by outside forces – believe me, I’ve tried. It just is what it is. I don’t hold it against you, and I still love you and am grateful for the upbringing you’ve given me. I’ve been very lucky.

I will say that identifying as trans is not something one does lightly. By doing so I am identifying myself as part of a persecuted group and being genderfluid brings its own difficulties, so you can take it from me that I wouldn’t be identifying as either unless I was absolutely serious. But I’m fortunate to have a good support network: [partner] still loves and accepts me, as do all my friends here in [country]. They have my back. So you can rest assured that I am happy, safe and in general I don’t worry too much.

Finally, I do understand that you may have difficulty accepting all this information. I don’t hold that against you. It has taken me five months since coming out to get to grips with who I am and I’m still learning. Don’t be afraid to ask me questions – I won’t bite your hand off. If you feel you can’t continue to love me, I understand. If you feel that you will come to love me in time but not yet, I understand. If, on the other hand, you feel that you can still love me and accept me, then that is wonderful news and I look forward to being able to share more of my journey with you.

Lots of love,

[my name]
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falconfalcon · Nov 11, 2016

Hun, its your letter, its your life - say whatever you want

Since you are asking for suggestions I did read carefully and the only thought I have is they may not know what "cisgender" means, so you might consider if you want to go ahead and explain

but it doesn 't matter - this is big, this is a big moment for you - be yourself, do what you want

Let us all know how they take the news!

Take care!!! (*hug*)

Lacybi · Nov 12, 2016

I think your letter was very clear and easy to understand, and I too await news on how they respond. Be brave!

realworldbound · Nov 22, 2016

I think this sounds AWESOME. As someone who is also now realizing I am genderfluid, I relate very well and think you worded it eloquently. I also really am overjoyed hearing of how accepting your partner is. One of my biggest fears now is ever finding someone that would love all of me, and you right now are assuring me that it can be possible.

I'm gay · Nov 22, 2016

Will this be sent by email or paper? You might include, or follow up by email if by paper, links that take them to sites that provide more information and support for them. They may have questions or confusion and not ready to talk to you yet.

Good luck! ride:

Coming out to parents as Genderfluid

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Coming out to parents as Genderfluid

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