Wasn't sure how to title it, so anyway... if you relate or have any advice about any of the stuff below, a reply would be appreciated. If some of this sounds inchoherent, it's because I did a lot of editing to make it as short as I can. A little background: I'm 19 and not really having the time of my life. I know I'll really regret these days like I regret my totally eventless teenage years. I feel like life just passes me by and I kinda forgot my drive and focus. I don't want meds. 1. I'm ridiculously envious of other people and it hurts me that I'm that type of person at such a young age. I'm talking about people that are just downright successful all the way. Straight, "accepted", tall, do well with people, hungry, leaders, very attractive, productive, easily approved by family, etc. I don't feel like I'm any of those things and it's pretty sad. I'm also envious of people who know what they want. I currently do night shifts with someone, and he manages to use his free time to study and make a better future for himself while I do nothing further. I don't even know what I'd WANT to study and I don't even know if I could afford anything. 2. I sometimes don't get along with people because I automatically I assume they're "low class" so they'll be homophobic. I even dislike my "outgoing" aunt because I feel she's so lightheaded she'd probably be homophobic or have something bad to say if I come out. I don't trust straight people at all in general and don't get too close, but I have to change that. How do you do that?
If your not having the time of your life, change it. Get a hobby, make new friends (i know this is difficult for some people, but even just adding people from networking sites, then chatting with then, eventually meeting them will help). What do you enjoy doing? Everyone has something that always makes them happy. Work out what it is, and do more of it! I'm 24, and still don't know what i want to do with my life. I'm happy driving forklifts (i love driving ) but i mean, it kinda is really a dead end job, with not really any room for promotion. Some people go through their whole career not knowing what they wanted to do, and just stuck with something they knew. Your best bet her, is trying different things. Working nights your in a good position to be able to trial jobs. If theres something you show a slight interest in, ask to go in for a few hours, most places will allow this, as its free labour for them, but you gain valuable experience, and learn if you could handle doing it as a job for the long term. About the people thing, don't assume anything. Different demographs have a wide variety or people in them. Some homophobic, some not, and some just uneducated. With your aunt, you don't actually HAVE to tell her. I'd say telling siblings, or friends would be better as a first coming out, as they'll be more closely related to your situation, and then when your ready to tell people from the older generation (aunt, parents etc) you'll have friends to back you up.
Hey! Don't think at all that you need meds. What your experiencing is something we all experience at one time or another in our separate lives under different circumstances. Overall it seems as though you have but barriers between you and those around you, perhaps to distance and numb yourself from the pain that comes with being rejected, disliked, hated, or taken advantage of. 1. You shouldn't feel envious of people who you feel are "leaders", "attractive", etc., they are who they are, and they've become who they've become based on their actions and choices(for the most part, unless born into it). First of all, try to accept who you are. I know it sounds a bit cliche, but it rings true. If you accept who you are, physically as well and mentally, you can do things with your life that you may have once thought yourself incapable of. YOU are in control of your own life. You cannot expect to sit back and watch or live vicariously through people. You can choose to love, to hate, to save, to destroy, or to change. . .Inevitably, it does not matter WHO you are, but WHAT you do with your life and the gifts you have been blessed with, no matter how small. . .and there are definitely people who lack those gifts as well as those who wish to collaborate. 2. This is something that many of us continue to struggle with throughout our lives. It is not good to live with a constant lack of trust or bias towards a certain individual or specific population. That being said, I'm not telling you to open yourself up completely to everyone. Take everything with a grain of salt. Very little people truthfully want to hurt you. Many of them are in the same position as you are. If we fail to notice good as well as bad similarities in other individuals, we also fail to correct or move progressively forward. You can change your dislike through understanding. Remember that many of the perceived homophobic have grounds to why they feel the way they do(Be it because of previous experiences, teachings, dogma, etc.). Also-I might be repeating myself-remember that almost no one honestly wants to cause you harm. The harm people cause is a consequence of misunderstanding, corruption, fear, and sometimes self hatred. I hope this helps. It's pretty late and I'm very tired; I know it's not my best, but if you need anything just ask
Just going to add in my personal experience for #2... I had that exact same mindset, but it was more geared towards Christians, and i am one btw. Since i was a baby, ive never been allowed to socialize with non-christians. I guess i was "allowed", but when you go to a christian school K - 12 and your after school activites are all about church or youth group, you dont really meet non-christians. So when it was time for me to "come out" i had this assumption they would all re-act badly. But i realized that i was doing something horrible, something i thought i prided myself on NOT doing, and that was stereotyping. Because of one thing about a person, i tacked on this extra thing that is in no way even related. I do admit, ive had alot of Christian people reject me because they feel im some disgusting evil faggot, BUT ive had more accept me than not! Basically, just give people the benefit of the doubt. If you *think* someone is going to reject you based on there religion, were they live, job, gender, sexuality, race, ect. ect. ect. WHATEVER it may be that your assuming they wont accept you because of, just try and look past that. For alot of people, they are really just neutral until someone they know comes out and THEN they are forced to actually pick a side, most often your side.
