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confusion and s.h

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by yahooooo, Mar 31, 2009.

  1. yahooooo

    yahooooo Guest

    Hey there Ec!

    Hope the rest of you guys are well :slight_smile: first off, I feel a wee bit bad about not really being on here for a while but very very busy!!

    So I could really do with some help from you guys as things really aren't going too well at the moment. Everything has just kind of exploded, not as violently as it could have, but still not quite how I wanted things to go. To sum it up in a nutshell I have finally been found out. I managed for two years now not to have anyone notice, well at least find the truth out, about all the unexplained scars but a few weeks ago my form tutor found out. I tried denying it and passing it off as nothing, but I suppose self harming isn't really nothing. Anyway, to look at the positive side, I have, rather of reluctantly, started the process of getting help, but it's all in a stagnant phase at the moment. Basically, I have a meeting with some youth worker type person in about a month, but it's kind of left me in a rather confusing waiting period.

    I didn't want anyone to find out, and until this all happened no one had any idea and I wanted it to be that way. Without people knowing I just kept it to myself and didn't have to think about it, I just did it. Now people know I'm kind of realising that I really do need to confront it, start to think about it, and that I really should try to stop. But that's where the confusion comes in. I don't want to stop. I know I should, but I don't want to. It's the worse it's ever been at the moment (I'm doing it daily at the moment) and actually having people find out hasn't helped. It's taken away the fear factor in a way. I used to be so scared people would find out, and now they have it's as if there is no reason to worry about that so I don't think about the frequency of doing it.

    I don't care about what the effects are on myself, but I do care about the people around me as I know quite a few people are worried. I just don't see any reason to stop doing it at the moment. So many people seem to think I can just stop but it doesn't feel that easy. I'm not sure if I can at the moment. I do wish though that I could get to a point where I didn't want to do it all the time.

    I know I need to talk about things but I'm practically unable to do that. I can talk about the superficial things after some convincing but there is still a huge amount I don't feel I'll ever be able to talk about. So much of it is so silly and pathetic and so confusing I don't know how to say it. I want to sort it but I'm really scared about it all.

    So there we have it :icon_redf
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Aww (*hug*)s.

    To be honest even though you didnt want people to find out, in the long run it will probably be a good thing that they did, and you have made the first step on the route to helping the situation as you have admitted to yourself that you need help and to stop. But having said that it is not that easy, and it will take time.
    You could try talking to a counsellor about it, but it will always be difficult to talk about things that are bedded so deep inside of you that you havent spoken about before, but that doesnt mean you cant get there.
    You could try writing down the things you cant talk about, giving you a way to let them out without having to tell someone.
    Your self-harming is an escape from what your feeling and so I guess its natural that now you have been found out you find yourself resorting to it more.

    Dont feel bad about not having been on EC for a while, your here now and im sure together we can help and support you.
    Your more than welcome to talk to me if you want to :slight_smile:
    (*hug*)
     
  3. Thisisnew

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    Well go to the meeting and say what you just wrote here seems like a good start.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    In my opinion, from what I've read about cutting here on EC, it isn't very different from any other addiction. You have an addiction. And some people develop addictions as an escape from their reality. They 'medicate' themselves to avoid unpleasant feelings and emotions and situations. You don't want to stop, because this is what give you comfort. Without it, you feel numb and don't know how to cope with what is bothering you.

    However, eventually the 'medication' becomes a problem in and of itself. You can't stop. And when you decide you want to and still can't stop, you feel bad about the addiction. And when you feel bad, you medicate yourself with your unhealthy behaviour (drinking, drugs, cutting, masturbating, eating, gambling...).

    You say you don't really want to stop. But where does this activity ultimately lead? Hasn't it slowly progressed over time? Did you move from scratching to cutting. From cutting once in a while to cutting every day? From cutting in one place to cutting in many places? The reality is that addicts develop a tollerance to our 'drug'. And we need to more and more all the time to get the same level of 'relief' or escape. So that suggests that it will only get worse. And what does that mean to a cutter? I'm guessing ultimately cutting yourself so badly that you bleed to death. It ultimately leads to death.

    Extreme? Perhaps. Reality? I firmly believe so.

    Alcoholics who don't get help ultimately kill themselves while driving, or their liver fails. Drug addicts OD. Sex addicts catch something that is terminal. Over eaters will gain weight that will ultimately lead to heart disease and a premature death.

    Overcoming an addiction on your own has been proven over and over and over again to be almost impossible. Accept the help, and be open and willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I firmly believe that a 12 step program for cutting is needed today. I'm not sure if one exists though.

    You're likely going to feel worse before you get better. But that's OK. That will be you actually feeling some of your emotions for the first time in a while - because you won't be 'using'. And it gets better. Honest. I've been there. I'm an addict in recovery.

    PM me if you want to chat or if I can be of any support. OK?
     
  5. Eleanor Rigby

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    I think Jim is absolutly right. Cutting yourself really is an addiction : I have been here myself, and I won't say that it is easy to quit, but you can do it and most importantly you have to.
    I think it is a good thing that your tutor found out, because, in a way it will oblige yourself to confront the problem. And it is a problem, and a major one, not only because you harming yourself physically and that might lead to serious health problems, but also because, from what to say, you have lost the capacity to express yourself another way. And it seems to me very worrying that you have lost touch with your own feelings so much that you can't talk about it. And again, I'm not judging you, have have been there too.

    I think it would be great if you could find some help around you. Having a meeting with a youth worker person is a start. Until there, try to find something to create a smoke screen when you feel the impulse of cutting yourself. Something physical usualy works better (hit into a punching ball, go out and run for 20 min...) but it can be anything that could release you without harming yourself (because cutting IS harming yourself).

    You can Pm me anytime you want if I can be of any support.

    Take care, Eleanor