It's been a while since I was last on here. Last time I was here, I had just written a letter to my parents explaining that I am transgender. Well, that was back in July/August, and I still haven't come out yet. It isn't that I don't want to. I really, really do. I've gotten to the point where even the sound of my own voice makes me want to cry. I don't know how much longer I can do this. But when I think about telling them, and what their reactions might be, I panic, chicken out, and get depressed. Depression has been a vicious cycle with me lately. I'm depressed about being transgender and not feeling able to tell anyone, so I overeat. Then I get depressed about my weight and eat even more. And I feel far too uncomfortable with my body to go to a gym. The last few times I've gone to the gym, men have hit on me, making me feel extremely uncomfortable and even worse about my body because they see me as a girl when I'm not one. And it's far too cold outside now for me to exercise outside. The few times I've done it inside, my dad complained that I was shaking the entire house. I fear that even if I do come out, I won't be able to do anything about it. Already the closest gender therapist is a 3-hour+ trip from where I live, meaning I would have to take off work to go down there, even if I could afford to go. And with the new presidential elect... I have no idea what's going to happen to gay and transgendered people. I've gotten so depressed about being transgender and not feeling able to tell anyone that I hardly feel anything anymore. I know I need to come out, but I don't see what good it would do. I'm already afraid of how my parents would react, and my dad's parents are homo- and transphobic. Now, I wouldn't care about not seeing my grandmother again, as she is a complete and utter manipulative bitch (and that's putting it lightly), but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to see my grandpa again. He has stage four stomach cancer, and even with chemo and radiation, we aren't sure just how long he'll be able to live. My mom's mom and my uncles on that side are homophobic. I don't know how they feel about transgendered people. Normally I would be kind of okay about telling them, as I don't see them all that often, but my aunt is two months pregnant with twins and I'd love to be able to see them when they're born. I'm afraid that none of my family would accept me once I come out. The only person in my real life that knows right now is my best friend, and she's three hours away at college. If my parents kicked me out, I wouldn't have anywhere to go. I barely make enough money to cover my bills as it is. I wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere else. I just don't know what to do. It's killing me not to be able to come out, but even if I did, I wouldn't be able to do anything to change it.
I think if you're afraid of coming out you should try bringing up the topic of gender and see how they react. If you can, get your haircut, gradually start lowering your voice. There are a ton of things that may seem small but could make a huge difference.
I already have my hair cut extremely short. As for the vouce, it isn't really possible because my voice is really high-pitched. It still sounds high-pitched even when I do try to lower it. I've bought boys clothing before, but when my mom saw me wearing them, she freaked out and started yelling at me. I honestly wouldn't even know how to broach the topic of gender. They don't even know any gay or transgendered people, and I don't really watch the news, so neither of us would have a real frame of reference.
Update! I came out to my dad this afternoon. He was actually really cool about it. I made a complete fool of myself though because I was sobbing the entire time I was trying to tell him. He practically had to guess what I was trying to say, haha. I'm not really looking forward to telling my mom. I know she'll get extremely upset.
