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Is it necessary..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Garyroberts, Nov 16, 2016.

  1. Garyroberts

    Garyroberts Guest

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    to come out? It seems that to "come clean" with everybody is the thing to do and if you don't then you're not being true to yourself, etc. etc.

    I love my wife and I enjoy having sex with her and she really turns me on. I also like sexual contact with men but that's where it ends. I do not look at men and think "wow", I simply like mutual oral sex and anal sex. I don't like kissing men, touching them elsewhere apart from genitals and I don't even like SEEING men kissing or holding hands.

    As long as I keep the male sex/female love thing apart, I do not class myself as gay and have no intention of coming out, so why the pressure? There are several reasons for me not to come out -

    1. I am happy with my life being married and to come out would destroy that.
    2. I have been mildly homophobic in my distant past and to come out would possibly lose me relationships with people I still want to be friends with.
    3. I think the secret/taboo sex is what makes it exciting.

    Anybody else feel the same?
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    If you want to live as an openly gay or bisexual man, it is important to come out, in my opinion. To not do so keeps you in a place of repression, shame and denial and that's really unhealthy.

    In your case, you don't seem to identify as gay, or even bisexual and you have no desire to change any of your personal circumstances, so I would simply ask you what you want to do at this stage? If you are genuinely happy with the status quo and it's not causing you any sort of stress or inner conflict, do as you wish.

    Having said all of that, I think there are issues with the three points that you listed, but they are not necessarily germane to the question you are asking us.
     
  3. I'm gay

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    I agree generally with Patrick, but I would also add that your post seems to indicate that you are having sex with men. Is this true?

    You don't have to come out. You don't have to identify as gay or bi. You don't have to "destroy" your marriage and your life.

    But, it sounds like you are cheating on your wife with men.

    At some point, you are going to have to confront yourself about your own character. Are you prepared to continue having sex outside of your marriage, cheating on her, and keeping her in the dark about your activities for the rest of your life? You made vows with this woman, and you are already breaking your vows.

    You are lying to your wife and you are lying to yourself. Your orientation status says "Straight but curious." That's not true and you know it. You enjoy having sex with men. YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT. You keep telling yourself that you're straight so keep up this façade, but you know deep down that you are more than curious.

    I don't know how old you are or how long you have been married. I can tell you that coming out at 47 years old with a 20-year marriage and 2 kids is a fate that I wouldn't wish on an enemy. I hope you never have to find out what it's like being in my shoes.

    If you were just fine with how life is going for you and felt confident in your relationships, you wouldn't be here looking for advice and posting this thread. The simple fact that you are here at all tells me that this is bothering you. I'm sorry to tell you, but until you fix this, it is going to continue to bother you. I hope you don't wait too long. Your wife's bitterness and anger toward you is worse the longer you are married.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. Romancer

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    Hmmmm, I think I might agree with Imgay47, where there's smoke there's fire. You sound as though you might be bisexual in the very least. If you are asking questions about this issue in your life, it almost certainly means that you are not really ok with this. If having sex with men means enough to you that you are willing to cheat on your wife then obviously it's not just curiosity or something you can take or leave, but something you want and need.

    It seems that although you say you really enjoy sex with your wife, it's not enough for you, for whatever reason, or you would not be having sex with men.

    As for not liking to even see men kissing or holding hands, etc., I think that lots of men who wonder about their sexual orientation to the point of "experimenting" with gay sex feel this way...sex is sex in their minds, and because "men will be men" they rationalize that having sex with guys is ok, but holding hands or kissing is not ok because these things indicate a deeper more emotional connection with another man than just having sex. We used to joke about this actually, about how a "straight" man (wink, wink) might let you give him a blow job but he would NEVER let you kiss him.

    You sound as if you are a pretty much together person, and that although you are wondering about it, it's not causing you a great deal of confusion or angst, which is good. You might be able to look at this objectively and calmly figure out what's going on. I would encourage you to do that. If you really do determine that you are not gay, then great. What do you have to lose by asking yourself the question?
     
  5. Garyroberts

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    Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was a site where people could discuss coming out of the closet and not a place to judge people morally.

    Yes I have have sex with men on a couple of occasions and sucked a few off as well but I am more than happy with that. I am asking why is it necessary to out myself as gay if I am happy enjoying the seediness & of sucking men off in secret meetings? Pretty much the same as men who get turned on by having sex with prostitutes really in my opinion.
     
  6. Totesgaybrah

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    Its just not fair to your wife, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? This place is for helping people come out and they will not be judged based on their orientation or how they identify. Cheating on your wife does not fall under that.
     
  7. Garyroberts

    Garyroberts Guest

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    How would I feel if my wife wanted to try sex with women? Fine, I've even ask if I could join in.

    But it's OK to judge us on anything other than that? You don't want to be judged but you're happy to judge yourself.?
     
  8. I'm gay

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    I'm afraid you misinterpreted my advice to you as a moral judgment. It wasn't meant that way. I was trying to challenge you to see your life from a different perspective. You have said multiple times that you are "happy" in your life as you are living it. Your posts, however, tell me that you are not as happy as you are trying to claim.

    You are feeling some internal pressure to come out. This is your rationalization:

    You feel internal shame over this, and it's bothering you. Your conscious mind, however, needs to deny that it's bothering you, so you come up with this rationalization. You may not see that, however, because you're in denial about this. This is also bargaining behavior. "As long as I can keep this separate, then I'm ok." Don't you see that? I rationalized away my gay desires for decades. I wasn't having sex with men during my marriage but my same-sex desires were still there, especially in my fantasies.

    This isn't a moral judgment. I don't think you are a bad person. I think you are struggling with this, and that's why me, and many others here, keep posting with people after coming out of the closet. It's not to judge you, it's to help you see things with greater clarity.

    In the interest of clarity, truth, and just plain bluntness, I offer you these thoughts:

    1. You are putting your wife at risk without her knowledge. While you may be just fine with having sex with guys, you are putting your wife at risk. We all assume a level of risk when we choose to engage in sex with people. That's not limited to the gay side - it's for all people. You consented to this risk for yourself when you chose to engage in sex. Your wife didn't consent to this risk. You made that decision for her. Can you say that you have your wife's best interest at heart? You can't if you cheat on her. When you married her, you said you would honor her and cherish her. You aren't doing that.

    2. Every person who has gotten caught cheating on their spouse/significant other didn't think they were going to get caught. No matter how careful you are, you aren't perfect. One slipup is all it takes.

    3. Your feelings may change. You may come to a point in life where you feel that you must come out. I know you don't see that now. Neither did I. I never saw it coming last June. It hit me like a freight train at full speed. So many others have experienced the same thing.

    4. I had a good sex life with my wife for many, many years. I was young and horny and able to have my sexual needs fulfilled by her. Sex with a woman feels good, and many gay men can successfully engage in vaginal intercourse quite well. I did. Until it stopped working. That didn't happen all at once, but over a many year period of time. As I got older, it became increasingly more difficult, and took more effort, to stay aroused. I would become aroused initially during foreplay, but began to have more difficulty staying aroused during intercourse. Then I began having difficulty becoming aroused. Eventually, I was simply unable to perform any longer. The older you get, the more mental arousal becomes important in your sexuality because your body doesn't respond as easily to just physical arousal. If you are truly bisexual, then you may not experience this problem with your wife, or even if you are gay you might not necessarily experience this either. I'm just giving you my experience as a gay married man. Only you can know your true desires and know what turns you on. If you are faking it, even just a little, that should tell you something.

    5. The older you get the harder it is to come out.

    6. You haven't said if you have kids or not. When you have kids, the parental demands on your time and energy may reduce opportunities and time for you to have your guy needs fulfilled. You could become resentful about that.

    7. If you get caught and you have children, these problems are magnified greatly. Ask any child with a cheating parent if that affected them.


    I realize that I went far beyond your original question, which was Is it necessary to come out. The simple answer is no. You can disregard the rest if you want. I hope you'll think about it though.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride: