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Keep chickening out! How to bite the bullet?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GayNarwhal, Nov 17, 2016.

  1. GayNarwhal

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Chicago
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    While I'm out to everyone where I go to uni and to my twin, I'm still very much not out to my family. I've decided that I can't keep living a double life like this. There are so many huge parts of myself and things I'm involved in (like LGBT+ groups and such) that I have to filter depending on my audience. I have to hide things on social media as well and lie to my parents about whether I'm seeing anybody (like my mum asked the other day and I said no even though I've been seeing someone I really like!), and I just can't keep up this charade any more.

    The problem is, every time I try to tell my mum, I freeze up and don't do it. This isn't helped by hints to how she'll react that have emerged. Last week I mentioned I was going to an LGBT+ discussion group by mistake, and she started to ask "So are you... you know" in the most hateful, judgmental tone. I should have just answered her, but there was just so much bitterness in her voice that I froze and changed the subject as quickly as possible.

    The thing is, on some level I know she'd be fine. My dad is bi/gay (he kind of identifies as both?) and my brother is trans and gay, so she's not new to the whole LGBT+ thing. But, while she loves and accepts my brother, she speaks SO bitterly about my father. In general, the rhetoric she uses in discussions about queer things is low-key homophobic and offensive, even if she means well.

    Any advice on just doing it already? I don't want to keep lying, but I'm just stuck :frowning2: Thanks in advance :slight_smile:
     
  2. SplitMelody

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Alive on Mars
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I just wound up being super duper blunt when I came out as trans. But then I had already been dropping super bad hints like intentionally leaving the internet browser open on a shared laptop with videos of people talking about being trans or trans resource websites open.
     
  3. AnimusReborn

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Why are you scared of coming out when your whole family is gay already?
     
  4. Romancer

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It sounds to me like you mum already knows, or at least suspects. and given the situation with your dad and brother, it's hard to understand your hesitation.

    Be that as it may, coming out can certainly be difficult. But you just have to keep reminding yourself that leading a double life, as you have been doing, can be extraordinarily taxing, on your energy level, your emotions, your mental health. Just having to be careful to remember what you have said to whom, and what you can and cannot say in front of various people is enough to make a sane person crazy. It gets to the point where it's just too much work to keep up the masquerade.

    Which sounds like where you are at right now. I'll tell you what made me finally "bite the bullet." It was when I started thinking that if both my parents were killed in a car crash at the same time, I wouldn't have to tell them that I was gay. That really woke me up and made me realize what living a double life was doing to me mentally and emotionally.

    Don't let yourself get to that point my friend!