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Came out, officially?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dwightc, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. dwightc

    dwightc Guest

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    I just came out to my parents today, and boy were they angry... my mom said said she's so sad I told her this, and that's its true; she said she's not sure if she will be able to even look at me the same again.
    I just over heard them talking about letting me go because of all this "stress" I've put on them??

    Now, I'm regretting I've ever said anything; I'm about lose everything now. I feel so ashamed of myself.
    I told them if I leave, then I'm dying right there on the spot. They said nothing and sent me out.

    What am I ever to do? This is just not worth it. Going through all this pain, but it was eating me alive.

    I just think: "Jesus what the hell was I thinking"?

    I had mentioned this to them a while back, sort of bluntly, but I think then they just brushed it off their shoulders and tried harder to change me.

    If this wasn't bad enough, I feel like my fears of being alone in stupid my whole life will come true.
    I don't talk to anyone, I almost appear as a muted person.
    After starting this new job, I keep quiet almost 100% of the time.
    On the bright side: I fake to have a bright side with family now.
     
  2. I'm gay

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    Dwight,

    I'm so sorry you had a bad coming out to your parents. I've read your thread from earlier in the year, and I am just appalled at your experience.

    There are resources available to you, and these resources will not cost you. This community at EC can help connect you to those resources.

    There is help for you. Help with housing, food assistance, therapy. You have been abused by your family, and their rejection of you is one more example. The abuse you have suffered is responsible for your negative self image and your fears and anxiety.

    I believe it's time for you to leave your toxic nest and begin to live life on your terms. I believe it will get better for you, but you will have to find the courage to leave your parent's home with help from organizations and government agencies, and get some therapy. You don't have to live in this bad environment any longer.

    You say you live in Aurora. There are multiple cities and towns with that name. Which state are you in? It will help to find resources to point you towards.

    Are you safe right now? Can you stay where you are at for a few days more or longer?
     
  3. dwightc

    dwightc Guest

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    Well today's Sunday, hte "big day". First getting baptized, then
    they said they're gonna "rid this demon inside me", as they put it. Its insane. And i don't wanna know what they mean by that.

    I was staying here longer until I could save enough money; and no one out there is going to help you more than they do. That's what they always told me.

    I live in Colorado, yet I still don't know much of the city I live in.

    okay now I'm really lost.
    I am gay, I'm not confused on that; but being here in this environment makes me want to be a nothing.
    I told my dad this is becoming a toxic place now because of their disapproval, and he says: "its only toxic because you make it toxic."
    Then he had the audacity to say that when I'm gone he wouldn't give a fuck if I lived or died or not, cause having a gay son is the worst thing he's have to live with.
    what the hell?


    They always say: "No one in this world is gonna love you more than you family does".
    :confused:
     
  4. Romancer

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    You have a very controlling family dude, they are saying basically, "Our way or the highway. This is NOT love, the kind of statements your parents are making are the rantings of people with serious emotional problems. You are not fucked up, your parents are. They are emotional bullies. They are blaming the toxic environment on you, when they are the ones who are creating hell for themselves and for you.

    The fact that they think you have a demon inside of you is just an expression of their sick ignorance. "No one is going to love you more than your family" is just bullshit. Someone much older and wiser than I once told me that, your family is NOT the people who raised you, it's your friends, it's the people who love and accept you as your are.

    If you really examine and think about all of the negative statements your parents have made, that you wrote in your posts here, you will see that they are all about THEM, how THEY feel, how this is affecting THEM, THEM, THEM, THEM! They aren't thinking about you, they are only pissed because your gayness makes life hard for THEM. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds as if they don't give a fuck about you, not really. I would hazard a guess that your parents don't really know how to love anyone.

    You need to get away from such selfish, sick, people as soon as possible. These people are incapable of helping you be the person you really are and in all likelihood they will never change. You are better than they are, so get out and make a life for yourself with people who really love you and care about you and are willing and able to help you be the person you need to be. Don't know any people like that? Well, that's your fault. Go out and find them. If it's important enough to you, you can and will do it.

    Make your own family!
     
  5. I'm gay

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    Dwight,

    I think you need to escape from your family. Are you willing to do that? If you say yes, we can help find resources for you, but it has to start with your willingness.
     
  6. dwightc

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    I see we're your both coming from, I do want to leave, yes, but would have nothing if I do.
    I know they are twisted. I've already went through the process at church, don't feel different. I told them: "I don't need to be cleansed" and my dad said: "Now that's just bullshit". My mother shook her head and just remained quiet. How sad.
    If someone is that strong to help me or point me in the right direction, I would be most grateful.
     
  7. DAFriend

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    Dwightc,

    Get out of there, go to a shelter, do whatever it takes to survive it, but get out. My family, and that of my BFF were both like that with us. I bailed at 17, my BFF at just 13 years old.

    I was not sent to conversion therapy, as my BFF was but, my parents tried for a few months before I left, to pray the "queer demon" out of me, beat it out of me, and worse.

    Because of that, my BFF and I both felt so horrible and bad, dirty, evil, etc... after our first sexual encounters that we each nearly killed ourselves. That's the kind of damage and environment that toxic can do. Please, even a shelter is better than the mess I've had to live through and, the long road to healing I had to endure.

    Yes, I'm fine now, as is my BFF, well as fine as one ever gets after what we went through, but, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Blood is not always family and, you don't need any shared blood to be family.

    I have no blood family though there are some alive somewhere, I don't know where and, don't care. I do have an amazing family closer and better than my blood relatives ever were to me. I don't claim my birth family, nor they me and, that's fine.

    Yes I was homeless, had to rely on a shelter for a while, but even that was not the worst experience of it all, what my parents did to me was far worse. Sure it was hard starting with nothing but, I still got my degree, I own my home and, I've got a family that adores me and, I adore them. Took a while but, all worth it once I got out of the horrible place I was forced to call home as a youth.
     
  8. dwightc

    dwightc Guest

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    I can't just get up and leave. I don't even know where to go. Besides I haven't even collected myself up yet to shove off. Now, I'm hiding in my closet on my little laptop right now, and that's about as good as I can feel right now.
    I don't want to feel stupid for leaving the roof over my head for nothing or someplace less "homely" because of... myself?
    I've been alone all this time; I don't want to be alone and afraid out there in the cold. Its really "cold" out there.
     
  9. Totesgaybrah

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    Yeah I would not leave a roof over your head and a bed to sleep in. You are 21, if you try very hard you could be independent fairly quickly. Get a job, literally any job will do, find a friend or someone you can trust and get a place together, maybe even two roommates if thats what you have to do. Don't stay in the streets or a shelter, bad things happen to good people in those places.

    What your "parents" have said to you is completely unforgivable IMO, I feel really bad for you having to deal with family like this. If mine had reacted the way your has they would never hear from me again, but I'm older and already away from home, so it's hard for me to know what you should do in this situation. Basically you need to do anything and everything you can to get away from them but please always look out for #1 thats you, don't put yourself in a bad(worse) situation.

    I truly wish you the best of luck.
     
  10. dwightc

    dwightc Guest

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    I do have a job and I thought someone was going to give some helpful resources like mentioned above but I guess not. As you can see I have a hard time trusting people. Even the good ones can do you wrong.
     
  11. Geochick96

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    Hey I live in Colorado too, I know there are quite a few LGBT centers around Denver, you should go talk with one, they may be able to help.
    I hope your parents come around and realize that you are amazing and perfect just the way you are! Good Luck!
     
  12. I'm gay

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    Hi Dwight,

    I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond until tonight. I do want to help you if I can, so here's some ideas of available support in your area.

    First, though, I want to say that there's been a lot of really great advice in this thread, and no one here is pushing you to leave home - just the opposite in fact. You should stay home as long as you can. Only you will know when it's time for you to leave to protect yourself. My goal here is to get you to prepare yourself, so that if the time comes that you decide you cannot stay any longer, you will already have prepared for your exit.

    I also want to say something very important to you as a father of two kids. You don't owe your parents for your life. Your life is your own, and one day soon you will need to own your life - prepare now so you will be ready.

    The following is a list of resources, in no particular order:

    Arapahoe County Child and Family Services: Youth in Conflict Services
    Arapahoe County, CO - Official Website - Youth in Conflict Services

    Rent Help
    •Catholic Charities 720-377-1313 (must call between 8:00 am and 8:45 am for appointment)
    •Aurora Interchurch Task Force – 303-360-0260
    •Interfaith Community Services – 303-789-0501
    •Salvation Army (Englewood) 303-420-6752
    •Interfaith Community Service for Seniors – 303-789-0007

    Medical Services
    Metro Community Provider Network - Medical care is provided on an outpatient basis to patients who are medically indigent. Call (303) 202-2911

    Aurora Outpatient Clinic - VA
    13701 E Mississippi Ave
    Aurora CO 80012
    303-398-6340
    Accepts: Uninsured, Underinsured, Insurance, Medicare, Medicaid
    Income: All income levels accepted
    Fees: Financial assistance available

    Colorado's Medicaid Program
    https://www.colorado.gov/hcpf

    Metro Community Provider Network (MCPN) Low cost clinical, dental, prenatal, and behavioral healthcare across the metro region accepting Medicare/Medicaid . Contact: 303.360.6276

    Dawn Clinic Free clinic for the uninsured providing medical, physical therapy and dental services as well as insurance enrollment and health education Contact: 303.800.9677 Location: 1445 Dayton St., Aurora, CO 80010
    Child Insurance Services
    https://www.colorado.gov/hcpf/child-health-plan-plus

    Job Services
    Arapahoe/Douglas Works! Workforce Center which provides a variety of no-cost services to job seekers and businesses. The free program known as Arapahoe/Douglas Works! serves as a critical resource to connect people and businesses in both Arapahoe and Douglas Counties, and throughout the Denver/Aurora metropolitan region. Contact at 303-636-1160.

    Food Assistance
    Smoky Hill Vineyard - Provides a food pantry for anyone in need in the community. Aurora Colorado. (303) 690-2520.

    Grace Point Community Church - Littleton Colorado (303) 798-6387. A local food pantry that focuses on people in the Metro area.

    New Life Fellowship Foursquare Church - Food bank and groceries are offered to individuals and families who need food assistance. (303) 759-9919

    List of food pantries in Arapahoe County: http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/food_pantries_arapahoe_county.html

    Food Bank of the Rockies
    303-371-9250

    Housing Assistance
    One-time assistance with first month’s rent, security deposit, and/or utility deposit to Aurora residents living in motel/hotel. Does not have low-income housing or provide emergency shelter. Contact: 303.739.7910; 303.739.7911

    The Salvation Army- Aurora Corps and Community Center Social services, food bank, and youth programs and classes. Contact:303.364.1956 Location: 802 Quari Court, Aurora, CO 80011

    Aurora Housing Authority Contact: 720.251.2100 Location: 2280 S. Xanadu Way, Aurora CO 80014

    Community Housing Partners Contact: 720.251.2071 Location: 791 Chambers Rd., Aurora, CO 80011

    Youth Shelter
    Urban Peak Youth-focused shelter, street outreach, drop-in center, supportive housing, and education and employment services Contact: 303.974.2900 Location: 2100 Stout Street, Denver, CO 80205

    Aurora Homeless Shelters and Services - Aurora CO Homeless Shelters - Aurora Colorado Homeless Shelters

    Therapy Resources
    Aurora Walk-in Crisis Services
    2206 Victor Street
    Aurora, CO 80045
    1-844-493-TALK (8255).

    South Aurora Health Services (MCPN)
    15132 E Hampen Ave Suite G
    Aurora CO 80014
    303-360-6276
    .PATH Program Clinical case management and mental health services along with assistance in benefits acquisition, vocational training, and housing Contact: 303.364.3481 Location: 1544 Elmira Street, Aurora, CO 80010

    Clothing
    Aurora Interchurch Task Force
    303-360-0260 • 1553 Clinton St.
    • Friends of St. Andrews
    303-364-2329 • 1525 Dallas St.
    • Restoration Outreach
    303-344-4219 • 1540 Boston St.
    • Salvation Army
    303-364-1965 • 802 Quari St.

    LGBT Resources
    GLBTColorado.org

    Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
    Office: 303-573-5861
    Hotline: 303-333-0286

    Colorado Anti-Violence Program
    Home | Colorado Anti-Violence Program

    This isn't an exhaustive list. There are even more resources than listed here. People who run these organizations and governmental departs will certainly be able to point you toward additional resources.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  13. dwightc

    dwightc Guest

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    Thanks for that, but I've agreed to go to conversion therapy. Why? Well, every time I think about being gay, it kills me on the inside, then I start doing dumb things like self harm and etc. (I'm not completely sure it was even my parents entire fault, I think it was all mine honestly). And the only real way to feel better is to not feel it at all. Its not like I had a chance in the 'gay world' anyways. I remembered back when I tried and failed miserably, eventually I stopped trying and accepted the truth. If I'm gonna live this life, I'm gonna have to live it emotionless and free; free of everything, where I can continue to do what I do best, just keeping to myself.

    But again, thanks for pointing out the resources, it all sounds very helpful.

    Yes I know what you're thinking - "now what ARE you thinking?!", well, I've thought long and hard about this; this solution is the only one I actually took a step towards, so that must be the key.

    By the way, I didn't ignore any advice previously given, I tried it, but it wasn't really clicking.
     
  14. Quantumreality

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    Hey dwight,

    You do realize, don't you, that 'conversion therapy' doesn't work? That is can actually be physically and mentally dangerous for you?

    The Lies and Dangers of "Conversion Therapy" | Human Rights Campaign

    And, by doing this, your parents will only continue to be deluded that your homosexuality is a "choice" or something that can be "fixed"?

    You can always choose to remain celibate your entire life and/or never tell anyone else ever again that you are homosexual. What you can't do, of course, is actually change your sexual orientation.

    I'm just saying...

    Best of luck!
     
  15. Romancer

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    Gay conversion therapy will NOT work, it's been proven over and over again. You cannot subject yourself to this. It will only mess you up further. I know, I have friends over the years who did it and it and it only makes things worse. You cannot do this, period.

    Imgay gave you an incredible list of resources in his last post, but what he, nor anyone else cannot give you is the strength and courage to get out. You have got to find this yourself, and it IS there, inside you. Trust me, it's there you just have to dig deeply enough to find it.

    Please don't try the conversion therapy. I know the thought of leaving is scary, but you have got to stand up to your parents bullying and just say no to them.

    You are plenty old enough to have a life of your own and you can do it if you really want to. You don't want to go through life as an emotionless robot not feeling anything or appreciating anything, you deserve better than that. Please believe me. I also felt that way for years and years before I finally found my way out. And if I could do it so can you. It takes time, and you will have pain and you will suffer for a time, but in the end, you will come through it as a happy whole person.

    Change your thinking. You feel the way you do now because your parents have brainwashed you over the years. You just have to change the life story they are writing for you and write your own story. Change the way you think and you will change the way you feel. It works every time.

    Those of us here who have been communicating with you care about you, or we would not be taking the time and effort to try and help. It's frustrating to see you so unhappy and confused. I am genuinely hurting for you - we all are, because we want to help, but you have also got to try and help yourself. That's the key, but it sounds like you have given up on yourself, and there is nothing we can do about that, you have got to trust yourself and you have got to try as hard as you can to believe in yourself and to believe that you can at least start to fix yourself and your life!

    Please, please, please make a plan for getting out from under your parent's roof. We will all help you as much as possible to figure things out.

    I don't know what else to say. It's very hard to see someone like you just throw their life away because of what other people say and think.

    I'm sorry, I feel like I am just rambling, but this is so painful to see. I wish desperately that I could come up with the magic words to help you see things the way they really are instead of the way you are seeing things now.

    When I was your age, I sank to the very bottom. It was when I didn't think I could sink any further down that I finally began to see the light, with the help of some wonderful people who encouraged me and helped me find out who I really was.

    You sound like you too have hit bottom. But you can get yourself out of it if you really want to.

    Won't you try again, just one more time?

    I am going to visit my folks for Thanksgiving for the week. They don't have Internet access, but I am taking my laptop with me and will try to find a way to go somewhere that has Wi Fi so I can continue to communicate with you here.

    Please let us try to help you. I cannot stand to see another young life destroyed by homophobia. Please accept that all of us care about you and want to help you. We care!
     
  16. Totesgaybrah

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    Please don't do conversion therapy, if you are gay then it will not help you at all, it will only hurt you further. Being gay is not a choice it is not an illness or even a demon. It is 100% NATURAL although it is not the norm so it is sometimes seen as an abnormality.

    There is nothing wrong with you, so don't try to fix it.
     
  17. JAA1297

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    I'm in a similarl situation as you. You can look through my previous posts to see more detail, but my parents also kicked me out after they knew I was gay, and I had to move to live with my aunt who also doesn't know that I'm gay and would kick me out if she knew too. I used to go to one of the top boarding schools in the country with a great future, and now I live in a very small town and go to a public school, and I feel like I'm hopeless because I've lost everything that I worked for and cherished all because of one sentence I shouldn't have said.
     
  18. dwightc

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    At the moment it seemed like only good option.

    I get this, I hesitate because I don't want to become more alone and isolated by leaving. I do that just by going to work. I have a very hard time connecting with other people who aren't my family.

    I want to say that so badly but if I do, I'm kicked. Before I could ready myself to leave.

    Being a robot doesn't seem so bad at the moment (being a robot so long) it's not going to be easy cracking this nutshell.

    Change the way you think... that's what they've been saying to me all the time. I just don't fit in well with the (how you say) gay scene, I just know something willl fail again. I feel embarrassed just just trying to be a part of it.

    I think I called that moment: self-reproach.

    Start to fix myself and my life, is what they've said too. Just proved how much I've failed at life, when more people start telling me I need a fix.

    The thought of getting off of work, and not having a place to go horrifies me!
    But I

    Especially when those people were the humans you could ever trust.

    Or wave your magic staff or racket like some FinalFantasy BS. Yeah I went there. That gave me a smirk.

    The feel of "sinking" has no end for me. I'd just keep sinking until the universe would drop me into pit of lava because I was a blasphemy...?

    I want to, but I've failed so many times I have tiny hopes of getting success.

    I can but I'll just fail, I know it even when try and try not to think about failing, I fail anyways

    Is that a firm promise? The others are really nice.

    Almost too late, this is pretty damn damaged and I only have a little bit of hope left now. What I am I to do with that hope? that's what I'm figuring out right now. Do I stay LEAVE.
     
  19. I'm gay

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    If we put the sexuality and coming out issues aside, can you explain why you are still living with your parents? Is it just financial reasons or is there more? From your posts, it sounds like you have a job, but I don't know what you do or how much you make. Is your monthly income enough to support you?

    Unless you plan on living with your parents forever, at some point I assume you will move out of your parents' home and into a home of your own.

    You are an adult, and perhaps it's now time for you to take on the responsibilities of an adult. I know that's scary sounding, but it's something that everyone has to do and has nothing to do with your sexuality.

    You said that you agreed to conversion therapy. So, it was suggested by your parents? Before you undertake that "therapy" please do some research on it. There is a reason why so many states have banned the use of conversion therapy for children.

    Please let me suggest to you that you separate these issues and not lump them all together. I think you should move out of your parents' house and live on your own for a while. Then, after a year or so, if you still feel like conversion therapy is right for you, do it then. But if you do conversion therapy while you are still dependent on your parents for your survival, then I think you will be doing a great disservice to yourself and will regret that decision in years to come.
     
  20. dwightc

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    I'm still living with them because of financial reasons mainly. And a diminished credit, no thanks to them. I have to pay off 3 credit cards taken out in my name by them, which of all are past due. ugh. do get me started on this now. :frowning2:
    Monthly income? Probably a: "hell naw!". :frowning2:

    I don't plan on it, if it weren't for reason number 1 above, I would be hasty to up and leave.
    I've always wanted to be on my own; which is why I loved begin home alone all the time here.

    I have taken on the responsibilities of an adult. (and there's nothing scary about it) Just because a person still lives with their parents, does not mean they don't have any responsibilities they've haven't taken on.
    I'm only working part-time with weekly pay earning $12/hr. While it may be $12/hr, only working part-time (20 hours a week) and the weekly pay frequency, a check would be really no bigger than about $230. And last time I checked, the cost of living out here, is insane. And as far as getting more hours, well, that's a HOLD for a while here.

    Yes, they said if I insist on staying here that's what I'll have to do now.
    They also want me to 'pray the gay away' every night. :confused:

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    I didn't know it was banned...? Is it really that bad?

    And become more alone? And by this 'alone' I mean physically alone.