Hi. I am a 19 year old lesbian, and I have a lot of trouble with coming out. I've known that I'm gay for about three or four years now. I came out on some anonymous platforms, such as forums and other online communities, maybe a year or so after I came out to myself. I also started to drop hints about my sexuality to my friends and peers in real life around one or two years ago. It wasn't until this year that I decided to outright come out to certain people in my personal life. From the start, I have hated coming out. Even though I first came out to three internet friends who: A. were gay themselves B. knew I was gay because I was dropping MAJOR hints around them (saying certain girls were hot, making comments about how I'd date [insert fictional female character or female celebrity here], etc.) C. I did not know in real life It still felt sickening to actually tell them that I was gay, instead of beating around the bush. It didn't feel freeing or anything of the sort. It just felt bad. I thought this would get better with time and more coming-out experiences, but it never did. I came out to a lot of other people online after that point, and I felt roughly the same each time. This year, I came out to a lot of people in real life. Well, ~8 people... but that's a lot for me after 4 years of silence. 7 out of those 8 people were gay themselves, and again, I'd been dropping hints around them, so I knew for a fact they were going to respond well. And they did! I've never received a bad response from someone after coming out to them. But every single time-- I'm talking 8 times in a row now, spread out over a year-- I have felt even worse after coming out to them than I did beforehand. Even though it meant I could be more honest with them and be more true to myself around them, it has never felt like a good thing. It makes me feel immeasurably worse than I did before. I really don't know why this is. My family isn't staunchly religious, so it's not like the whole "gay = mortal sin" thing was drilled into my head from birth... The only person out of them who is blatantly homophobic is my brother, but we are not close at all so his behavior only affects me on a superficial level, not a personal one. My mom has said in the past that if I am gay she will accept me. She's said things like, "do you have any crushes on any boys? ......any girls? I don't care" even before I knew I was gay. But my mom is also highly abusive, so I already know for a fact that once we get into an argument she will use my sexuality as ammo. That is just a given. My dad is socially progressive in most respects, and he has a lesbian friend, so I feel like he might respond well. Although for my dad, I'm his only child (my siblings are half-siblings on my mom's side), so I sometimes worry that he'll be upset if I'm gay because of that. My sister also has a lesbian friend so I don't think she'd care much either...? Probably? So why do I have all this internalized homophobia? Why do I always feel so sick and othered as soon as I come out to people? It's almost like I don't want to speak my gayness into existence. Like the more people I tell, the more real the reality becomes. For these past three years or so, I've really felt like I'm totally okay with being gay. I accepted and embraced it internally and among peers for a while now. But now that I'm coming out to more people IRL, and thinking more about when/how I'm going to tell my family, I'm realizing that I'm not as okay with this as I once thought I was. I think it boils down to me being afraid of being looked at differently. As soon as this secret comes out, I'll never, ever be looked at the same way again. I'll never be "average" anymore. I'll be looked at as the part of some kind of fringe group on the outskirts of normalcy. And that really scares me. I've always had problems with feeling like an outcast, and feeling distant from everyone I know. Like, for literally as long as I can remember that has been the case. I always try to fit in, but something always sets me apart no matter how hard I try for it not to. And now there will be a true reason to set me aside from the majority: my sexuality. So I think being a part of "the Other" for the rest of my life is what scares me most about coming out. How do I overcome this?
I get this although I have not come out and had to say the words people have asked me about it and I did not deny it. I understand this as I have put a lot of though into this myself. I don't want people to see me or perceive me differently then they did before and personally I wonder how it will impact me if they do see me differently mainly family. As I see it now I hid under a blanket of perceived straightness although I know some people suspect and other people have asked. I will know very soon as to how some people in my family will see me as I plan to come out when I go home for break at the end of the semester. I hope that living far away will help as I can run back to my own life if it does not go well. Also you talked about feeling distant from people I do too right now but that is because I purposely keep people away to continue hiding I hope coming out shrinks this distance for me.
Yeah, it's hard knowing you will be the "other" forever. Even in the LGBTQ community, I am an other. PolyPanQueers are a rare breed and, I am one. At 19, I hated it, I didn't fit anywhere and, still don't really fit in any box but, you know, that's okay. I'm true to who I am and, I've come to love being me. I've had a few really great relationships, those ended for various reasons but none because I am LGBTQ. I know it isn't easy, but, you've got to stop judging yourself based on what others think of you. Be you, be the best you that you can be. learn to love you, be confident and enjoy being you. When you do that, it shows and, that is attractive, no matter who you are, you're real and, you're confident and unafraid to be real. People like and respect that, even if they are adverse to some things about you, they respect you for being who you really are. It also makes the whole dating thing a heck of a lot easier when people stop trying to hook you up with the wrong gender or types.
@Buttercup: I understand and relate to everything you are saying. It's hard being in the closet. I really hope everything goes well when you decide to come out to your family/peers. I hope you'll be able to be less distant with the people around you once that day comes! Until then, I wish you luck. @DAFriend: Thank you very much for your response. It means a lot. I know that I have to be more confident in myself and being who I am... you are right about that. Not just about my sexuality, but about everything. My whole life, I've always been kind of quiet and reserved when it comes to talking about who I am. I've always been scared to share my interests, my sense of humor, and even just simple likes and dislikes... I have always wanted to be braver than I am. I have always wanted to be open and honest about what defines me. But it is so hard. I've even been to therapists about this (three of them!), but somehow I just can't be "real"... I'm always hiding everything about me to everyone around me. The worst part is that I know for a fact if I were less afraid, I would have more friends and more respect from the people around me. As I am now, I'm too quiet and reserved to even make an impression on people. But if I were to be my real self around them-- my loud, passionate, multi-faceted self-- they would probably feel a lot closer to me. Even if they didn't like some of my traits, at least they'd know who I am. Right now, no one knows who I am (except close friends), so they can't develop an opinion on me either way. That is possibly even worse than being hated. Hopefully, I will find my courage soon. Every day I feel like I'm closer and closer to coming out to more people. I think that will remove a lot of barriers I've put up between myself and the people around me. But it's so hard, because there's not only the horrific, terrifying feeling of absolute terror that comes with coming out, but the immediate sense of disgust and shame and regret that follows coming out, no matter how well the other person takes it. I wish I were at least able to feel a bit better after coming out so I'd have more of an incentive to do it with more people, y'know? :/
I have similar feelings. It just feels so difficult to actually find the words and although I have had a few opportunities have yet to come out to anyone. Well done on starting the process! Have you tried talking about it with any of your gay friends?
