(I want to apologize in advance for the length of this. As I get started, I realize it might become a bit of a book...) So I want to preface by saying that I am a nearly thirty year old female. And that has so far been one of the most complicated things for me with all of this. Although I have a lot of friends in the LGBT community, and I realize that everyone's story is different, it has been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that it has taken me almost three decades of my life to even realize that I am, in fact, bisexual. And then I feel like an idiot for actually caring about it. I will tell myself things like 'Why does it matter if you're bisexual? It isn't a big deal' and 'So you like women. AND you like men. Who cares? Get over it.' And I end up feeling like I'm bothered about nothing. And like I'm worked up about nothing. Like it shouldn't bother me? And maybe it shouldn't? It isn't like I'm ashamed or anything. It's not that. I'm not even really sure what it IS. I think...maybe it's that for all this time I feel like my life has been a lie? Because every relationship I've ever had has failed fantastically. In fact, I haven't even HAD a relationship in so long because...I don't know. Because I'm terrible at them? Because I'm not great with people? Because online dating is a cesspool of misery? And lately, when I even THINK about men I'm just disgusted (no offense guys). I admit to being bisexual but since I've started to come to terms with that, I can't even comprehend being attracted to men right now...is that a thing? I don't know. So, anyway, no one, in all my years, has ever even considered this about me. I am the kind of girl who has always playfully flirted with my female friends, made jokes, and been generally obnoxious. But apparently I come off as exactly that: playful and obnoxious. None of my friends or family ever even SUSPECTED that I might be serious, and it seems that everyone always took me for 100% straight. And then one day, it hit ME like a truck that...I wasn't really just playing. All that 'teasing' I'd been doing with the other girls...I was doing it for a reason. And...I suddenly couldn't believe that even *I* had been blind to my own behavior for YEARS. That I had a whole LOT of 'girl crushes'. And that I flirted...often. One of my female friends in particular, every time I see her, I gravitate toward her. We will snuggle together and be extra touchy-feely. And then she will almost always comment something along the lines that it's just too bad I'm so straight, because we'd make a great couple. Inevitably I end up feeling confused and heartsick, followed by longing, and then I will laugh and say 'Yeah too bad'. My family is made up of some pretty great, open-minded people. Not all of them, mind you, but the vast majority. My mother's older sister is a lesbian and when I was a child I was raised knowing that my cousin had two moms. That was totally normal for us, and I never questioned it or thought it was odd. Nothing about that sort of thing was thought of as uncommon in my household, and my parents have always been completely cool with it. My mother is absolutely wonderful and so easy to talk to, and I tell her almost everything. Especially being the age I am, it's not the same as when you're young and struggle to get along with your parents. We've got a great relationship. However, despite knowing that my friends and family would all be extremely supportive of my telling them I'm bi, I still can't do it. This is something I just don't understand. I don't have negative people in my life (for the most part), I don't have push-back, I don't have any reason NOT to tell them. But I can't tell them. Only my two closest friends know, and only them because I had to get this shit out of my head SOMEHOW. At this point I think the biggest struggle I am REALLY facing is that I feel as though I don't really understand how I got this far in my life without ever really knowing MYSELF in the first place. I feel like I'm only NOW getting to know the real me, and I've spent a lot of really late nights sitting up thinking about it. I've wanted to discuss this with someone, but the two friends I did tell can't relate at all. So they've been excellent listeners, but don't understand the situation. And that's...how I ended up here. It might also help to add that a few months ago I had to move away from my city to an extremely small town in the middle of nowhere to take a job. The job is wonderful but I'm now finding myself secluded and alone in a place with zero opportunities to meet and connect with new people, not to mention I've been given a lot of free time to sit with my own thoughts. The whole transition has been hard on me and the loneliness is utterly soul-crushing. I...think that's enough for now. I don't feel like I worded this well AT ALL, and I'm pretty sure it sounds ridiculous. And despite as long as it is, I didn't even say half the shit I could have said. Yeah, it's worded terribly and all my thoughts are still a huge jumbled mess in my head. >_< I understand that there are people out there with far bigger problems than mine, but what I have really been looking for is to connect with other people who might be able to understand what I'm feeling, maybe? And I'd like to apologize again for this being SO long. I did my best. Thanks. <3
You are not an idiot for caring about your orientation! It's easy to say "I simply like girls! That's it! Nothing huge about that!", but the fact remains that it is a big deal. Maybe not to you, maybe not to me, but socially, being gay is a revolutionary act. It is more than liking girls; it is associating yourself with a proud, if not historically divisive community / subculture, even if you don't want to be. It is aligning yourself with a marginalized group of people, and in doing so, casting yourself aside from the general population. I cannot tell you why you are feeling as reluctant as you are about openly identifying as bi. But I am in a very similar situation (although I am a lesbian), so I can at least tell you why I am having issues with embracing my own orientation, and perhaps something may resonate with you: Like you, I am not surrounded by vehemently homophobic people. The vast majority of my family and friendship circles consists of socially progressive people. I feel like my family would accept me if they were to find out I were gay. They have given me few reasons to believe otherwise! But it was, and still is, very hard for me to be open with them about my orientation with them and most other people as well. The reason for this is less about acceptance, and more about being "Other"-ed. Even though people in my own family have been pretty good about gay rights and stuff like that, my whole life I watched as gay rights were debated in political and social circles all around me. I saw and learned of homophobia as I grew older. I got to see how many people view it as abhorrent and unnatural and disgusting. Even if I never thought that, it still seeped into my consciousness. It still left a mark on me. And now, it seems, the main thing that scares me about coming out is becoming a part of The Other. I'm afraid of people never looking at me the same way again. I'm afraid of my life changing forever. Despite not having blatantly homophobic people in my family, having them exist in the same world as me resulted in some deeply embedded internalized homophobia. I didn't want to be part of "Them". I didn't want to like girls because so many people on TV and at school and even online talked about how disgusting gay people are. I watched as my peers reduced my sexuality to a joke, to a kink, to a category on porn websites. I watched as my classmates talked about their boyfriends and dream marriages and how many kids they wanted, while I sat wondering if gay people can even have that kind of future. Because the "gay lifestyle" isn't properly represented in media, it was very hard for me to accept the fact that I myself was gay... because I was afraid that being gay meant I would never be able to live a normal life. There was so much hostility towards the LGBT community all around me that I let it get to me in ways I didn't even know about until way later on in my "journey". Perhaps some of the issues you are having are also with internalized homophobia. That may also be why it took you until now to realize that your flirtatious acts were signs of something bigger... because, deep down, you did not want to admit it. I know how it feels to feel like you lived most of your life not really knowing yourself at all. But I want you to know that I am proud of you for coming to this realization. It's good that you are trying to find out more about yourself and your orientation. It may take many more sleepless nights for you to become truly comfortable with yourself and your identity, but that is okay... because you will come out of this with a highly developed sense of introspection that will benefit you for the rest of your life. Tthe coming out process is a process that tests our understanding of ourselves over and over. That is why LGBT people are, oftentimes, the most perceptive, understanding and introspective people you can meet! I would also like to add that the coming out process is not a straight line. You may backstep at times, and find yourself reverting back to old ways as you try to get through this. That is okay. It happens to the best of us. For now, give yourself credit for coming this far. It is more impressive than you think.
I fairly sure that, like almost everyone of us here, you were raised to be straight. Being bi, you were attracted to males so, never really questioned it because you were taught that you were supposed to be attracted to males. no one ever told you that you could be attracted to females too. You grew up believing you were straight, and repressed any female attractions under play flirting and jokes. Pretty normal and, not a lie, you cant lie about what you do not know, even about yourself. Now you grow up, have a few fialed relationships, make a few LGBTQ friends, etc... and you realize that all that play flirting and joking was really your bi nature trying to express itself. Work drags you off to timbuck two, nowheresville. Okay great now making new local friends is harder, small pool of potential friends to begin with. Totally understandable adn, with no one local that gets it and, whom you can really talk about this with, it's even more difficult. Well, your first 30 years was not a lie. You grew, changed, became more self aware and, that's a good thing. In a way a new place is good too, new you, new home, new life begins now. I'd guess that you aren't feeling the attraction to men right now becasue something in you tells you that you need to explore a relationship with a woman and, that's also good. You are being open to who you really are. No one said it was going to be easy being self aware and, being true to yourself. In fact it rarely is, for anyone and, LGBTQ just ads more complexity to it all. But the key is learning to love who you are and, have fun with being who you are. You already know how to do that, just now you are consciously aware of the serious side to the fun you've always had with flirting with women. You lived in 2 dimension and that was familiar and comfortable, now you've got all 2 and, it's new, out of your comfort zone. You know how to date men, how to interact as a partner with them but, it's different with a woman, and you know it but, it's like a teen first date all over again. At 30 that's a bit daunting but, at the same time feels childish, immature and, that isn't you either so, it's frustrating you that you know you need to learn some new things that most learn as teens but, you think making teenager mistakes is silly and, beneath you. That's where your natural ability to joke and have fun comes in, go for it and, when you mess it up, laugh at yourself and try again. You know what, even at 50, and being out since I was 16, I still make dumb dating mistakes. I still laugh and try again, gonna get it right one of these times - if people ever quit being such individuals LOL. Seriously, I'll never get it 100% right but, neither will anyone else, we are all human. Just get out there and enjoy being you, other will enjoy you too. Fun, relaxed and, confident is attractive and, contagious.
I think it's normal to feel that certain way when you figure yourself out. You start asking more questions then before, and can't touch on why you haven't bring yourself to figure it out sooner. Moving into a new town might give you a good opportunity to start over and start being more of yourself. I dont think the whole world really needs to know about your sexuality, but being more open and educated about it helps out a lot. Some people who are bisexual usually have preference for both sides of the gender, others just like both. It's pretty different. Most people just do whatever comes natural for them, and deal with it in their own way. No rush in doing so. Take your time
(Alright! Time for another book! ) First off, I want to thank you guys for the well thought out responses. I was in a "state" yesterday when I wrote this all out and I'll be honest, it was not very eloquent or well written. It all just sort of spewed forth like word vomit and afterward I just...logged off and didn't even think to check back for a reply because I was pretty embarrassed by my mess of a post. Now that I've had a little time and read through what you've had to say, a couple things: Although I have always been aware that pretty much nothing I am ever feeling is unique, it does make me feel a little bit better to know that someone else out there understands this. Part of the issue I have been having with myself lately has been confusion over why I am so distressed to discuss this with family. Especially my mother, whom I am so close with. Being a grown adult and having a good relationship with my mom, I struggle to comprehend why I can’t talk to her about this. I talk to her about nearly everything else and there isn’t really anything else that I feel like I am keeping ‘secret’. I do think that you may be right in the concept that it has to do with a concern of being “Other”-ed, but I’m not entirely sure whether it’s ME that’s afraid of it, or me being afraid of HER fear of it. Because despite how wonderful and open my mother is, that’s one thing she’s mentioned before. In fact, just a couple weeks ago I had decided I was finally going to have this talk with her. We don’t live nearby one another and don’t see each other often. But we were going to be going out of town on a trip and I knew we’d have plenty of time to talk on the drive. I was fully prepared to utilize that time for a heart-to-heart with her, and…then the election happened. I won’t get into THAT hot mess, but let’s just say that afterward my mom and I ended up spending a LOT of time in rage-fueled discussions about all the things that are most likely about to go wrong in the near future. Before I have even been able to get a word in edgewise, she’s telling me how “difficult” things have always been for her sister, and how tough things are now for my cousin, who is out, and how she doesn’t know how they do it. She commented that she would love her children even if they WERE gay, but in a sense she feels lucky that they AREN’T just because it’s “easier” that way. And then she went on about how, with the current political climate, she feels it makes us safer…I completely understood that the point she was trying to make was “I want my children to have the easiest life I can give them” and not “I don’t want gay kids” but…it definitely shut down any opportunity I thought I had to have that talk with her. I want not about to say “Hey mom, so yeah, on that note, I am totally into girls”. She is accepting of pretty much anyone, but SHE is afraid of people being “Other”-ed and what that might mean for them. Additionally, (and on a bit of a divergence), she has told me in the past that she simply doesn’t understand how a person can be “bisexual”. She said once upon a time that she doesn’t “believe” in it. I asked her why that is, and she said “Well how can you like BOTH? Isn’t that just being selfish?” At the time it made me laugh because I love my mother very much, but she clearly doesn’t have much comprehension of how other peoples’ desires and sexualities work. She was genuinely trying to understand, but couldn’t wrap her head around it, and I found it comical back then. But now when I think of having this talk with her I just imagine her saying “Bisexual isn’t a thing” and it throws me. I believe there is some truth to this concept of having HAD relationships with men, and wanting to explore relationships with women now. I know that I’ve been feeling that way for quite some time, but haven’t acted on it, and the more it sits there, the more it builds up. To be honest, I find myself questioning my interests in men more and more, wondering how much I ever even cared for the guys I DID date (See also: Most of those failed relationships were due to complete apathy on my part, I take full blame), and when my friends get worked up over hot guys, I really couldn’t care less. I do find men attractive. Some of them anyway, but I have never been into gushing over boys and giggling about boyfriends. That was never really me. And lately even the ones I USED to think were really incredible…it isn’t there. I feel like a switch has been flipped in my brain or something. I don’t feel…any sort of attraction or arousal for the men that I used to be interested in and it sort of freaks me out. I think I’m just tuned to a different part of myself right now, but my friends don’t understand. Even the couple that I HAVE had this talk with. They just say “Well if you’re bi, then you like both, so you still think he’s hot right?” and my response is sort of a shrug. Like…yes? But no? I don’t know. I’ve always been pretty good at just having fun being me. It’s never been hard for me to be the life of the party and the center of attention. All of this confusion, angst, and word-vomit is entirely new to me, tbh. You grand-prize-winning chosen few are not meeting me at my most glorious. I apologize for that, but this is also exactly what I needed to help me come into myself a little more. I appreciate the kind words. I would agree that not everyone needs to know. I would also agree that moving to a new town could be a good thing. If it wasn’t a secluded, tiny little nothing town in the middle of nowhere anyway. I really like the job I was offered and the career opportunities this affords me, but I spend a lot of time in a really big house alone with my cat these days. I’ve only made a couple friends and we don’t see eye to eye on many things. The goal of this move is to get some great job experience and then take it BACK into the city with me! Again, I appreciate you all taking the time to not only read my book post, but also to respond in kind. I’m hoping that I will be able to make some new friends here and also work through my issues. Much love. <3
