I'm in my early twenties and have recently accepted that I am almost definitely a lesbian. I am not 'out' yet. I have never been in a relationship with a girl but have in the past been in a relationship with a guy and I guess I'm concerned that I will be considered 'less' of a lesbian because of this? Does anybody care? (I don't think I'm bisexual). Also, whilst I know that looks don't define sexual orientation or gender identity, I'm scared that as I don't fit a stereotype I won't be believed. I am relatively feminine in both actions and looks and have no desire to change that. Has anyone else experienced people not believing them because of how they look?
I don't think any of this makes one less of a lesbian. Lacking same sex experiences is common due to not knowing sexuality earlier in life.
If that mattered,I'd wager that 90% or more of us would be less queer, or whatever term you prefer. until just the last generation or two, most played straight at least once before coming out. Many still try to be what's expected of them, even if they know better. 20 is still young and, so you had a boyfriend, you're still a lesbian, you just tried boys once is all and, that's pretty common.
There are people who would care, but they are jerks. Now, to be more understanding, they are just people who are so enmeshed in their own set of categories they don't realize they are behaving just like the homophobes. Not to wax too philosophical, but categories are just collections of individuals. The categories exist only in our minds, the individuals are the reality. You are one of them. Don't bother changing your look. If you do, what if somebody becomes attracted to the not-really-you? I suspect that people have been doubted as being "queer enough" (terrible phrase) for their "normal" looks. I don't want to mean that I am confirming your fears, more like I think you have a pretty good feeling for how some people might behave. That's a good sign. When you meet the right one(s) you will have a pretty good positive feeling about them. Then the fun begins. ---------- Post added 21st Nov 2016 at 06:03 PM ---------- And someday you may be able to reassure some girl who wonders "Am I an imperfect lesbian?"
Thanks for the responses. It's reassuring to think that it's maybe more common than I think to have had straight relationships in the past. I guess I'm just at the stage of feeling like I'm ready to come out and I'm now considering how I might be accepted by other people. I have been in denial for years (mid teens I guess, tried to completely ignore it at first though). Now I feel I've reached the point where I can't ignore or deny it anymore and need to deal with it. But that's also a terryfing prospect. I'm just scared that people won't believe me.
Also, if I may point something out; I think the main reason why some lesbians might be hesitant toward someone who has no same sex experience (and also has opposite sex experience) is more so due to the fact that there are a lot of bicurious people out to use them as an experiment. Some lesbians have been burned by this and have stereotyped people who have a lack of experience in general. However, this should not be the case. All you need to do is explain that you were either closeted or didn't know until this time, so you haven't had the opportunity. I think most people who know the truth will drop the hesitation.
I can totally appreciate that. Nobody wants to be someone else's experiment. I would intend to be upfront with someone. I think that's why I feel a need to come out. I just feel it would be a whole lot easier to start dating women if I wasn't scared about people finding out. I am terrified of being 'outed'. It just feels easier if nobody knows but I know I can't live the life I want like that.
I know how you feel. I dated quite a few guys (occasionally hooking up with girls on the side, with my boyfriends' permission) in my high school & early college years. I identified as bi during that time, and my attraction to them was legitimate while we were involved. Over time, my interest in guys totally disappeared, and my interest in women increased. It's been about 5 years since I've been 100% into girls, so I'm fairly confident it'll stay that way, but even if it doesn't...who cares?? If a potential partner isn't cool with that, they're not the one for me.
I've never kissed a girl or went out with a girl. There was this girl in college who was obsessed with me, and we almost went out. But It didn't feel right. I wasn't super attracted to her. I went out with a guy this summer that I worked with, and that went no where (I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian). I feel like I can relate because some of my lesbian friends will talk about kissing girls or having sex with girls or being with girls, and I don't feel like I have any advice to give. Sometimes I feel like less of a lesbian too.
