1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How did you come out to *your parents*?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BirthLifeDeath, Nov 26, 2016.

  1. BirthLifeDeath

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2016
    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Whether you came out as trans, or gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc. I would appreciate it if you could share your story.

    I am thinking about coming out soon as trans to my family (I have experience for coming out, as I've told many friends I am bisexual, but have yet to say anything to my family about me being trans or bi). I am still a minor, however I know I am living in a safe environment and my parents will not hurt me or kick me out. The worst that will happen is they won't want to believe me.

    I would just like to hear your experiences so I could have a better idea of what to do and what I should expect. Thank you! :icon_mrgr
     
  2. Lulamoon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2016
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Salt Lake
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I came out to my brother the day before I came out to my friends on Facebook. I don't know why, but we were talking about transgender at the time. As the conversation progressed, he asked if I was trans. I simply told him yes. He was somewhat shocked, but we both often ask odd questions with odd responses, so he figured I was joking. After asking about a dozen times, he figured out I was being serious and accepted me. He's still getting used to it, but so am I.
    I haven't told my dad yet, and my brother says I shouldn't. He thinks my dad wouldn't understand, and I think he's right, unfortunately. Doesn't help that my dad is sexist. Earlier today he said a guy shouldn't wear a necklace at all, never mind two. He probably has the same opinion about my bracelet. His vision is so bad he hasn't even noticed my nails or earrings. Guess that's fine until I have the courage to tell him... I really want to tell him, but I don't think he'll take it well. He can't kick me out of the house since it's my brother's house, so he'll have to live with it. Maybe I'll tell him after we move... I don't know...
     
  3. Italyguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Italy
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I told them over the phone, my mom first. To lighten up the conversation a bit, I offered them one of those I love my LGBTQ kid bumper stickers to place next to their Trump stickers. It worked out fine after a few days. The next time I saw them, I gave them two stickers for their cars. They still haven't used them but I think my mom is thinking about it.
     
  4. kibou97

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2016
    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    Kentucky
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I was going to tell my mom, I even walked into the same room as my Mom, but I couldn't find the courage. Instead, I texted it to my mom while still in the room so then we just sat and talked about it.
     
  5. SabreBear

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2015
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Rock
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Whoo boy, well it depends on which time.

    The latest - me coming out as trans - happened last summer as me and my mother were having a firepit. I have no idea how the topic came up, but it did, and I came out to her then and there.

    But that's a bit boring, innit?

    The original time I came out, I was still figuring out who I was, and came out as bisexual. This would've been years ago, when I was at maximum - 14. Now my mother is a very religious woman, a woman who tried (and failed) to raise me as a homophobe. So one day I was watching Two and a Half Men, anyone who's seen that show knows that there is a running gag in it about calling one of the main characters gay. My mother happened to walk in on one of such jokes, and started getting angry. Telling me to: "turn off that stuff before it corrupts you" and "I don't want this in my home!" I, of course, get defensive. To the point where she grounds me and forces me to go up to my room.

    I go up in tears, angry, and decide to listen to my iPod to calm down. About a half hour later she comes up, knocks on the door and demands me hand over my iPod. Now I was very angry at this point, so I haul my headphones out, open the door, scream, "I'M BISEXUAL" and toss my iPod in her face before slamming the door.

    Yeah... I don't recommend that. Later she came back up, gave me the whole "it's a phase" thing, and went on her way.

    My father was much easier, considering I didn't really come out to him. He just found out between my step-mom and FaceBook.
     
  6. Nychthemeron

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2014
    Messages:
    3,084
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Tennessee, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I stopped thinking and just said it.

    Sometimes you'll want to wait until the time's just right. But it'll never be just right. You're going to keep making excuses until "later" becomes "never." If you want to do it, do it.

    Hope they take it well. Good luck.

    ETA: My parents took it well. I'm a rather lucky one. Chances are, if your parents are supportive, they'll be like mine. They'll comfort you, tell you it's okay, but forbid you from doing anything about it until you're older. Don't feel discouraged. Work things out. They won't let me physically transition, but they allowed me to go by my chosen name and pronouns when I go off to college and promised me they'll let me flip my wardrobe. A compromise is better than nothing at all.
     
    #6 Nychthemeron, Nov 26, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2016
  7. Sawyer

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2016
    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    My mom was upset because I was 23 and didn't have a boyfriend, and the last blind date I went on with a guy, I never saw him again after even though my mom begged me to give him a chance. Anyway, long story short, she cornered me in my bedroom, started asking why I have no interest in guys, asked if I was gay and my face gave it away. It was the worst day of my life.

    Cut to 5 years later, and my mom is still having a hard time accepting it.
     
  8. AuroraBorealis

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I never "came out" to my parents, I started a relationship with another girl when I was 14, then when I was 15 my mother found a love letter that my girlfriend had written me and about a week after knowing my parents confronted me about it. My mom and I kind of talked about it then, she asked me if I was "dyed in the wool" gay and I told her I didn't know(and at the time I wasn't really sure.) After my girlfriend and I broke up about a year later, something happened where I kind of got put back in the closet and just recently am I starting to be more open about my sexuality to my family. I've never really set any of them down and had a "talk" about it, but they do know that I'm gay.

    If it hadn't happened the way it did, I think there's a large possibility I'd still completely be in the closet. However, I did tell my brothers over text so I might have eventually texted my parents, because I don't think I'd ever work up the nerve to tell them in person. It's still slightly uncomfortable now, because my family wants to act like I'm straight sometimes despite me being open about being gay.
     
  9. LittleMouse

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2016
    Messages:
    154
    Likes Received:
    85
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This is what is making me want to come out. I think they may possibly slightly suspect (really don't know, think I'm just hyper aware of any kind of sexuality/boyfriend/partner discussion).

    I think she finds it strange that I don't have a boyfriend and am not particularly interested. I tried dating again earlier this year and she knows about the boy I went on a couple of dates with.

    I just think despite how utterly terrifying the prospect is I would probably prefer to be in charge of the conversation and be the one who initiates it?
     
  10. Linkmaste

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    330
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario
    First time I came out my parents didn't take it well and got pretty mad. I went back in and now I came out a second time. They were still mad but I told them they would either accept it or never see me again.

    Were doing okay now but it's rocky. Worth it though and nor having this horrible feeling in my gut.
     
  11. AuroraBorealis

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2013
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I will say(I forgot to) that despite them acting the way they do, when they do acknowledge it, they make it very clear that they love me and it doesn't matter who I'm with, that won't change. Even when she first found out my mom held on to "its not the end of the world" which was actually more comforting than I had Expected.
     
  12. lonewolf79

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2015
    Messages:
    351
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Cape Town, South Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I told my sister a month before I told my parents. It was lunch time at work and at the time my sister and I worked at the same place. She looked at me and smiled and then said she basically knew... she then asked what kind of guys I liked :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    I told my parents early one morning. It was still dark out. My mom hugged me and my dad said that nothing changes... I remain as always... their son. We don't talk about it anymore though and I went overseas for almost 7 years... I have come back home and had to move back in and it's weird. I have kind of gone back in the closet but not totally back...
     
  13. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I just told my Mom straight out that I thought I might like girls. I was 14. She hugged me and said "thanks for telling me". She's always been my best ally.
     
  14. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I wrote a letter to my mum, dropped it in her lap and left the house for an hour. When I came back we went on a long and uncomfortable walk together, and I left for university the next day. She told my dad a few days later.
     
  15. Blood Elf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2016
    Messages:
    369
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Silvermoon City
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    My mom and I were talking about depression and what not, and I mentioned that something has been wrong with me for most of my life. She somewhat guessed what it was and was fully accepting of it. So, that night, we spent over an hour walking down the street talking about it because she didn't have much knowledge on the subject so I explained everything to her. I still look back on it and can't believe I did it, but I'm glad that I did and the way it turned out.
     
    #15 Blood Elf, Dec 16, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2016
  16. Jolly Hermione

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2016
    Messages:
    595
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Switzerland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sadly I'm still not out to my father...

    But when I came out to my mom I told her, I was bi. For some reason I thought it would be not that worse than me telling here I am a lesbian.
    However, a few weeks after that I told her, I was actually gay. She even asked me if she should tell my father. So she's really supporting me, which I like ^^
     
  17. Dachs

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2016
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I came out to my dad as trans just under three weeks ago. I've been at uni and I was out to everyone there but I was not out at home/to my parents. I hadn't planned to come out to my parents before Christmas, and probably not for months or years after, but I knew I was ready to tell my dad at least.

    At dinner one evening, by chance I sat next to some people discussing coming out, religious families, acceptance, and various LGBT topics, and one person repeatedly emphasised that with family, love always wins out in the end. (This is obviously not always true, but it's what they believe and I trusted it to be true with my dad.) I kind of went to pieces after that, and after a few minutes I phoned my dad.

    It took me a while to get it out. I started by saying, "Bit of an odd question, but you'd never disown me, right?" Dad confirmed that no, he would never disown me, and then he said I seemed agitated. I told him there was something I'd been worried about telling him: I'm transgender. He was silent for a while, and then said he wasn't sure what kind of a reaction I was looking for, but it was okay. As far as I'm concerned, that's a great reaction, especially since I had had no idea what his reaction would be.

    I still haven't told my mum (I came out to her as bi several years ago, but being trans is a whole other thing). I might tell her sometime in February or March; I'm not looking forward to it. The thing is, it gets extra complicated because technically she knows/knew I identified as genderqueer, thanks to snooping on some stuff when I was 14, but we've never talked about it and I pretend she doesn't know. She might have forgotten anyway. Still, when I tell her I'm sure she won't disown me but she will be very hurt and she may well not accept it.
     
  18. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,385
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Outright told my brother.

    My parents found a fake breast of mine and then heard me say something on a phone they said I didn't hang up on when talking to my psychiatrist. Basically I was painted into a corner, not optimal but I was out.
     
  19. AnAtypicalGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2016
    Messages:
    515
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Gallifrey
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    If you're looking for encouragement, please don't read this. I came out to my parents as bi and then trans... Well, sort of. I came out to them as non-binary because I didn't want them to know about me being trans male. It's a good thing that I did too.

    I did a lot of preparation before coming out as bi, in other words I had to convince them that bisexuality was a thing that was actually real. I doubt they would have believed me if I hadn't done that before, but once I did come out they were both fine. Most of the time.

    As for coming out as NB, I was coaxed by my "supportive" sister into telling my parents (she always used to try and out me). Long story short, they were not accepting. The only way I managed to stop them from mistreating me (my dad even got physically abusive at times) was to convince them that I was indeed getting "carried away" (which is what they used to believe) and that everything I said were lies. So I guess I'm back in the closet again, which was where I wanted to be all along if I'm honest.

    Of course it's ok to hope for the best, but please also remember to prepare for the worst. After an okay-ish response to my coming out as bisexual, I figured that coming out as trans wouldn't be too bad. I was wrong. I could dive into a description of what my parents did, but what's the point?

    To conclude, just because your parents won't kick you out, don't assume that you'll be much better off indoors.
     
  20. Kodo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Messages:
    1,830
    Likes Received:
    849
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Like AnAtypicalGuy, my story isn't all too encouraging. But I will still share it because I think it important to know that, should your coming-out not go well, others have made it through bad experiences also.

    It was just about a year ago now. I had spent a really long time in months prior penning a coming-out letter to explain to my parents that I was trans. I delivered it to my mum, then she gave it my dad. Long story short it was a complete disaster. I sort if knew ahead of time that my very religious parents wouldn't accept it, but I was hinging on a 1% probability that they might care enough about me to help alleviate my suffering. Did not happen.

    They forbade me from presenting any way that sniffed of masculinity, including getting haircuts above the shoulders. I was denied internet access for 6+ months and put in therapy with a therapist they chose. I was "not allowed" to lift weights because they didn't want me bulking up. I ignored the last one. But for my own security resigned to following most of their demands.

    In my family, being born gay or trans is impossible. It is a sinful lifestyle incapable of love, unnatural, and damning. It is now clear to me that their minds will not change, let alone after they clearly threatened to disown me should I transition.

    I agree with the above poster in that you should think very carefully about the consequences that will ensue if or after you come out, while still living at home. I don't want to scare you off from it, I just want you to exercise caution. You know your family better than I, so do what it smartest in that regard.

    As for me, I am back in the closet and proceeding very tentatively forward. I will only begin transition socially and medically after I move out for college next fall. Until then I am working on my body, mindset, and mannerisms. Little do my parents know that they have a ridiculously stubborn son. But like Ed Sheeran said, "I love 'em from the skin to the bones, but I can't live in this home."
     
    #20 Kodo, Dec 18, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2016