There's a whole lot to my story, so I can't promise this will be short... I have been confused about my sexuality for a long time- I'm 24 now and throughout the years I've identified as straight, bicurious, bisexual and gay... at some points I was so confused that I just didn't label myself at all. But not being able to identify is honestly more confusing than anything. So, upon my recent discoveries, I've realized that I'm polyamorus-pansexual. I say both because I don't believe in monogamy (for myself, I believe it works for others) and I'm sexually attracted to personalities of all types of genders and sexual orientations. When I was younger I experimented with my sexuality a lot and it just left me feeling confused. I felt like a lot of people saw me as a slut for sleeping with lots of different people, and I thought I was fucked up for liking it so much. Ive had sex with straight and bisexual men and also straight/bicurious/bisexual/gay women, and lets not forget the many 3-somes. I've only ever been in relationships with men though, because where I'm from, most gay people are still in the closet. A little over 2 years ago, my dad was very mentally ill (I watched him struggle with severe bipolar my whole life) and he commuted suicide. I was relieved that his suffering and our familys' suffering was finally over, but I felt so guilty for thinking that way. It's been a really tough grieving process for me. My best guy friend was there for me over anyone else, and I developed a deep love and attraction to him and we started dating shortly after. Little did I know that he would be so unaccepting of my sexual orientation. After dating for 5 months, I found out he was a virgin and sexually abused as a kid, and his penis hurts in a certain way when he has an orgasm. Not sure if that's a psychological thing or a physical thing because he holds so much in, so I basically had to PRY those things out of him. He would have never told me if I didn't ask. So I told him what I was all about- that I didn't believe in monogamy and that I was bisexual (that's what I identified as at the time) and I damn near broke his heart. We almost broke up over it, but I told him I loved him so much that I would suppress those feelings for the sake of our relationship. We only have sex like 2 or 3 times a month and we both drink alcohol and smoke weed almost every day to "deal" with ourselves. Point being- supressing my sexual orientation and pretending to be straight and monogamous hasn't been working out so well for me. I wanted nothing more than to run away from the place we grew up and start a new life with him somewhere else. I wanted so badly to settle down with the man I love and start a normal life together. And that's exactly what we did- but I've developed severe anxiety and depression since we moved a year ago. We're on our own in a new city learning how to be adults, so that alone has been stressful as all hell. But my anxiety and depression goes so much deeper than that, and I didn't know why I was so mentally unwell until I had a maaaajor episode, so bad that I had to take a leave from work and go stay with my mom for a few weeks and she lives in a different state. Every time Ive been alone and away from my boyfriend, I wanted to cheat. To me, it doesn't feel like cheating. But I know it does to him, so that's why I don't. Ive hated myself for so long for feeling this way. I care about him so fucking much as a person and I really do love him, but I can't keep pretending that I don't want to be with other people anymore. I feel like my depression and anxiety would even go away if I just let my freak flag fly. So obviously, I'm afraid to tell him. I'm afraid of leaving the life we made together. I'm afraid of breaking both of our hearts. He is my best friend and I honestly can't imagine life without him, but we are just not compatible orientation wise. I need advice on how to tell him. I need to know that I'm not alone.
I don't know that I'll be much help seeng as I haven't personally come out to anyone yet but seeing as no one else has responded to you I thought I may as well try to be of assistance. If it were me, I would tell him. It probably will hurt one or both of you but continuing to live unhappily the way you are for the sake of maintaining a relationship with a person who may not fully accept you won't help you feel any better. No matter what you do there is the possibility of being unhappy. If you don't want to hide anymore then that's your choice and maybe he has to try and accept that because if he truly does love you, then he will love you for being you. It sounds like you've spent a long time trying to change for him; it might be time for him to make an effort for you too. It's not one sided and you've been put through hell to keep this side of you seperate from your relationship which is clearly upsetting you. If you are this distraught over it then it's not something you should keep bottled up. I've kept my fair share of secrets and had my heart broken majorly (I developed depression and anxiety shortly after) so I can understand the pain. Whatever you choose probably will hurt and by no means should you base your decision on what I have said but sometimes the right choices are the hardest ones. Remember: there is always the possibility of a positive and accepting outcome. I hope I've given you something to think about and maybe some good advice if you can manage to decipher my ramblings. I hope you get through this and come out the other side a happier person. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
