I'll Be Seeing You

I am going to be away from EC for awhile. I don't know how long exactly, but I won't be back for at least a month. A series of events have occurred that have left me with no choice but to deal with some really important issues. I'm going to ramble on for a bit, so if you don't feel like reading the full thing, I'll include a short summary at the bottom for your abbreviated enjoyment.

I have been in a really bad place for the last few months. I'm not sure if it's depression or SAD or whatever, but I have essentially lost the drive that once fueled me. When I was in highschool, I was determined and hardworking. I always got my projects finished on time and I graduated with the top average in my class, claiming the highest grades in Social Studies, English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology. But things have changed for me now... I haven't been going to classes or reading my school material. I got subpar marks for my three midterms and now, I'm faced with the possibility of losing my scholarship. While I'm not in a bad money situation, I don't think I could handle the added stress of losing 5000$ of income a year. I have let myself down and while my parents will never admit it, I have clearly let them down as well.

How about friendships? I was never very popular, but when I moved across the country a year ago, I expected that I would soon find a niche of friends. I did find friends, but the niche never came. I feel awkward and out of place in queer groups, I'm too young in my improv groups, I'm not studious or outgoing enough to make friends in class. I don't have that place to belong. I missed the ticket when everyone else was forming friendships in freshman year.

And how about my weight and body image? Well, to put it frankly, I have fucked up my body. My body is trash and my view of it is worse than that. I have been binging and messing with my food intake over the past two years. I have absolutely lost all athletic ability I once had. I use to train over nine times a week for competitive swimming and now, my body is so revolting that I find it difficult to even think about putting on a bathing suit. None of my clothes fit me. I went to Winners the other day to pick out some new clothes for a job interview and nothing fit. Everything just made me look like a whale. I gained over thirty pounds in two years. I used to feel sexy and now I just feel like dirt.

As for my job interview I had today, I was terrible. My emotions got the better of me yet again. I'm sure some of you know how little control I have over my tears. Well, apparently, not only do I cry when I am sad, angry, frustrated or scared, I also cry when someone asks me a simple question. Crying on the phone to your future boss? I bet I won't get the job. I am so fed up with my inability to control myself.

And of course, how could I forget my sexuality? After crying for a bit after my interview, I called my mom up and spilled the beans about everything you have just read. All of it just came gushing out like the snot from my runny, tear-streaked nose. And I told her I was bisexual. " Alot of girls your age think that..." I hung up. Twenty minutes later, she calls me back and I think we are good terms now. She says she believes me, but I know she just thinks it's a phase. I wish it were just a phase. I wish I didn't have to hear her say, "I want to have grandchildren some day." It hurts. I just ache all over. I thought I would feel better after telling her, but I just feel like I did something wrong.

I cut myself. Okay, I lied. I don't cut myself because apparently, I'm not good enough to get the job done properly. I scratch myself. Just enough to tear the top few layers of skin. Just enough to make it bleed and then scab over. I want to stop; I really do. I see how stupid and useless it is.

Here's the real kicker, folks. My problems? Yeah. They are not that bad. These are normal everyday problems that most people can deal with. It just goes to show how weak I really am. I can't fix my life. I can't fix myself.

SUMMARY: I'm failing at school. I feel like I don't belong. I hate my body. I hate that I'm bisexual. I cut myself. I'm pathetic.

There it is. That is where I am with my life right now. I'm not looking for advice or support. I just want to give you guys an overview of where I am right now.

This is why I'm leaving EC. I have to deal with these things. I have to study harder and finish this semester. I have to get a summer job. I have to start working out and eating properly. I have to stop cutting myself and being such an emo fuck-up.
I have to change.
Only I can fix this.
And I believe that step one is leaving for awhile.

I'm going to miss you guys while I'm gone. And I'm sure you are going to miss my quips.

(*hug*)

Peace out,

Corina

 

It happens. We each get a good round of this stuff at our age and stage in our life. As for cutting/scratching...find something more productive. Punch children, innocent passerbys, or do the normal thing--go to a gym and punch a punching bag. Throw your pillows! Put your face in one and scream your hatred for all you hate. But, goodbye Corina. I'll miss your savvy wit.

 

Don't feel weak, you'll be surprised to see how many of us get depressed by apparently minor things as the ones you mention.

I wish you the best (*hug*).